A plan in the event spouse/child outlives you

Hi @bobbcmcc

First, Good thinking! An I would urge other community members to consider this soon, even if you are much younger. Last March, perhaps exactly a year ago, I was writing a message to someone and foudn that I coudl not type the words correctly. Long story short, I had a massive "subdural hematoma" -- large bleed in my head that was squeezing my brain. It is miraculous that I survived and am fully recovered. Things like this can happen to any of us at any time.

I have done a few things:

1. Set up care for my Husband. I have established who will take over in terms of overseeing my husband's care. His sister has graciously offered to do that and I trust that she will do a wonderful job. If she were not available, I would have a hard task of piecing together a realistic and acceptable plan. There are several time frames to be considered. The longer term case is easier, but what if you are immediately out of the picture ( e.g., pass out and get whisked to the hospital, etc)? Who gets notified, who takes care of your wife's physical needs, who takes care of the emotional needs? I had made a start on that before my illness: memory care facilities often offer respite care. I had met with two memory care facilities nearby to discuss whether we could set things up ahead of time so that if something happened to me, my husband could be moved there immediately. The idea is to bridge until his sister to come and during the time it would take her to devise the longer term care solution. Even with those meetings I had ahead of time, when I realized I had to go to the ER, I had to do a lot of scrambling to set up the immediate activities. I now have live-in help which gives me great comfort. The two young ladies who split the week are both wonderful and very trustworthy. I am serene that if something happens to me suddenly, they will continue to take care of my husband as I and he would want.

2. Documented the key processes and facts of our life. I have compiled an folder on my computer that has all the information that other people need to run our lives in my absence. It took a while to populate it but it helps me many times through the year when I need to look ups someothing, and I know now it would be invaluable to someone else stepping in. I try to keep it up to date when credit card numbers change, new financial accounts are opened, when the way I pay a bill changes, when we buy major appliance or products with important serial numbers, etc. I have let a few key people know where to find it etc.

3. Password Manager. Digital access is essential for so many things. When a friend's husband died it was nightmare getting into the many accounts that were in his name. For example, he had a spreadsheet of passwords, BUT the "passwords" in it weren't the actual passwords: They were shorthand clues to the actual passwords. Using one of the established password managers is really valuable.

4. Trust, Will, POA, Durable Medical POAs. We have these and they are up to date. What I realize now that I have not considered is how the POA and Med POA will get transferred to someone else.

5. Emotional and Physical Care Documentation. I have not done this recently, but it is a document that lays out the person's routines, likes, dislikes in terms of food and activities (Type of music, walk routes, etc). Of course, medication lists, doctor contact info, medical records. For the time that my husband had to be in memory care, I wrote a one pager on him, so that the staff could get to know him as person though he is not able to talk much.

An important gap. As I thought about the future, the other question that arises, of course, is: Who will take care of me if I get Dementia? In my case there is not going to be anyone. In my research I found that most functions can be handled by professionals. Financial/accounting entities can take over paying your bills, etc. Care facilities and caregivers may be able to help you live as comfortably as possible. But the service that nobody provides is overseeing the quality of your care. That is a gap and a scary one. I mention this because if something happens to yo and there are no very close relatives or friends who live nearby, then this will be a gap to fill for her safety and well-being. There may be trustworthy people for hire for this. We were introduced to a psychologist who took this on for my father in another country. She was a godsend.

You mention that you will be making your plan with several children. I have a relative on the "child" side of this kind of discussion and I have a few suggestions based the issues she is facing. Please, as the father, make clear and equitable decisions based on having everyone really think very specifically about what will have to be done and what it will take to do it. Think about your children's relative strengths and divide up the responsibilities accordingly. If one of them has a hard time making decisions, assign them areas that will not require that. Some tasks that will take a lot of time and effort. Try to identify those upfront and establish reasonable compensation from the other siblings. It may n ot be totally comfortable, but getting specific now will avoid a lot of issues for everyone.

Finally, I think it is useful to recognize that there are really two plans -- one if we are ill for a time, and one if we pre-decease our spouse.

Congratultions on thinking about this kind of planning. I hope some of the above is useful.

Hi @bobbcmcc

First, Good thinking! An I would urge other community members to consider this soon, even if you are much younger. Last March, perhaps exactly a year ago, I was writing a message to someone and foudn that I coudl not type the words correctly. Long story short, I had a massive "subdural hematoma" -- large bleed in my head that was squeezing my brain. It is miraculous that I survived and am fully recovered. Things like this can happen to any of us at any time.

I have done a few things:

1. Set up care for my Husband. I have established who will take over in terms of overseeing my husband's care. His sister has graciously offered to do that and I trust that she will do a wonderful job. If she were not available, I would have a hard task of piecing together a realistic and acceptable plan. There are several time frames to be considered. The longer term case is easier, but what if you are immediately out of the picture ( e.g., pass out and get whisked to the hospital, etc)? Who gets notified, who takes care of your wife's physical needs, who takes care of the emotional needs? I had made a start on that before my illness: memory care facilities often offer respite care. I had met with two memory care facilities nearby to discuss whether we could set things up ahead of time so that if something happened to me, my husband could be moved there immediately. The idea is to bridge until his sister to come and during the time it would take her to devise the longer term care solution. Even with those meetings I had ahead of time, when I realized I had to go to the ER, I had to do a lot of scrambling to set up the immediate activities. I now have live-in help which gives me great comfort. The two young ladies who split the week are both wonderful and very trustworthy. I am serene that if something happens to me suddenly, they will continue to take care of my husband as I and he would want.

2. Documented the key processes and facts of our life. I have compiled an folder on my computer that has all the information that other people need to run our lives in my absence. It took a while to populate it but it helps me many times through the year when I need to look ups someothing, and I know now it would be invaluable to someone else stepping in. I try to keep it up to date when credit card numbers change, new financial accounts are opened, when the way I pay a bill changes, when we buy major appliance or products with important serial numbers, etc. I have let a few key people know where to find it etc.

3. Password Manager. Digital access is essential for so many things. When a friend's husband died it was nightmare getting into the many accounts that were in his name. For example, he had a spreadsheet of passwords, BUT the "passwords" in it weren't the actual passwords: They were shorthand clues to the actual passwords. Using one of the established password managers is really valuable.

4. Trust, Will, POA, Durable Medical POAs. We have these and they are up to date. What I realize now that I have not considered is how the POA and Med POA will get transferred to someone else.

5. Emotional and Physical Care Documentation. I have not done this recently, but it is a document that lays out the person's routines, likes, dislikes in terms of food and activities (Type of music, walk routes, etc). Of course, medication lists, doctor contact info, medical records. For the time that my husband had to be in memory care, I wrote a one pager on him, so that the staff could get to know him as person though he is not able to talk much.

An important gap. As I thought about the future, the other question that arises, of course, is: Who will take care of me if I get Dementia? In my case there is not going to be anyone. In my research I found that most functions can be handled by professionals. Financial/accounting entities can take over paying your bills, etc. Care facilities and caregivers may be able to help you live as comfortably as possible. But the service that nobody provides is overseeing the quality of your care. That is a gap and a scary one. I mention this because if something happens to yo and there are no very close relatives or friends who live nearby, then this will be a gap to fill for her safety and well-being. There may be trustworthy people for hire for this. We were introduced to a psychologist who took this on for my father in another country. She was a godsend.

You mention that you will be making your plan with several children. I have a relative on the "child" side of this kind of discussion and I have a few suggestions based the issues she is facing. Please, as the father, make clear and equitable decisions based on having everyone really think very specifically about what will have to be done and what it will take to do it. Think about your children's relative strengths and divide up the responsibilities accordingly. If one of them has a hard time making decisions, assign them areas that will not require that. Some tasks that will take a lot of time and effort. Try to identify those upfront and establish reasonable compensation from the other siblings. It may n ot be totally comfortable, but getting specific now will avoid a lot of issues for everyone.

Finally, I think it is useful to recognize that there are really two plans -- one if we are ill for a time, and one if we pre-decease our spouse.

Congratultions on thinking about this kind of planning. I hope some of the above is useful.

I can't thank you enough for posting this. As it's been on my mind now for months. I finally contacted our attorney. My husband has MCI and I'm thinking through what happens if I die first. Even more complicated when it's a blended family. and some major communication issues with 2 of our kids. I meet with the attorney in the next two weeks. But I'm going to start to draft a plan and when I do, I'll show my model. I just have to think through it. I did pull up the NPR article you are referencing. Is that the one by Kat McGowan March 28, 2026 as I had not heard about that article before. Also, I'm reading, someone prepared a guide book for her father with dementia, I believe and I wonder if Dr. Natali, Careblazers, has something like that. Thank you so much.

@kjc48
Yes, the npr article was the one by Kat McGowan

We already did our trust. I think what will happen if I die first probably from stress? I have a list on the cabinet of who to call but my main issue is my husband does not know how to use his phone anymore and I am not sure he would go to the neighbors to get help?
I guess the next step would be to get a life alert necklace, that being said, I think he problem wouldn’t want to wear it. My best girlfriend lives in Texas and she said if anything happened to me, she would come and get my husband and he could live with her. I have mentioned it to him and he is not very happy. It would also take her two days to get here. What I need is to find someone for those two days and I am contemplating whether I should find a type of memory care locally but then he would be on his own and wouldn’t know anyone? I am absolutely torn as to what to do? Either way he will be in a place he doesn’t know yanked away from his happy surroundings. What he would need is live in help as someone mentioned, it’s hard to find that.