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Husband doesn't recognize me: Struggling to keep him safe
I've been lurking here for quite a while, just reading posts and gathering information. I am literally in tears on a daily basis as his dementia symptoms seem to just progress and multiply every day. He is diabetic with hypertension and Stage 3a CKD. All of these issues were being well managed and under control for the past 8 years.
About 3 years ago, my darling man began getting lost while driving familiar places, misunderstanding words, and occasionally mis-speaking, calling everything a whatchamacallit or people whatshisname. As it began happening more frequently, I spoke to the doctor about it. He denied any difficulties and put it down to being 73 years old. Our PCP said to keep an eye out for changes and report back as necessary. At this point, we were doing 6 months check-up and all was relatively well, including his blood work.
This past April he began having a problem using the TV remote control. Then he started getting dressed and going to church on random days of the week. Doctor advised him to stop driving, but he refuses. Extremely belligerent and verbally aggressive when anyone mentions it, especially the safety of himself and others.
I fo all housekeeping and financial tasks because he can't remember how to use microwave or stove or washing machine or any electronics, including his cellphone at times.
He uses a catheter because he has a hypotonic bladder. Last week he asked me what these things were for. I told him they are for urinating and he asked me to show him how to use it. Yesterday he said he can't remember how to do it, so I do that every 4 hours now.
On Sunday he got up at 4am, packed some shirts and told me that he was leaving and going home. He refused to believe he lives here and that I'm his wife.
He said his wife has been gone 3 days and he's not staying here. I persuaded him to stay and just wait for her to come back, that she may have had an emergency or something happened with her family out of town, but he's really upset that she would just up and leave him.
I've been here with him, all day, every day, but he just thinks I'm some woman taking care of him until she returns.
This not knowing who I was happened previously about a month ago for about a week, then one day he asked me a question using my name, and I said, You know who I am? He said, Of course I do, you're my wife. Why are you asking me that?
So all seemed well until Saturday night when he said Sheila put my socks away and I don't have any clean socks. I just looked at him and got the clean socks. Since then, he keeps asking where she is and when she will be back. All of his other conversations and behaviors are for the most part, our new normal.
I am just at a loss as to what to do that would be most helpful and to cause him the least amount of agitation and distress.
We live alone, but he does have adult children who have been less than helpful in the oadt, and actually cause him to be more agitated and distressed.
We have an appointment with his PCP on Monday, but I'm really struggling here to keep him safely indoors until then.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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@carolreid I actually have an update on that. Yesterday, he had a hearing with an officer of the medical compliance unit and he failed to answer 4 basic questions: home address, high school, phone number, current president?
Of course he was disqualified, but not without having a hissy fit first. Unfortunately, the hearing officer had to answer his questions as well, so now the doctor and I are back stabbers and traitors because we reported his driving habits. I had no idea the doctor wrote "his wife reported he frequently gets lost and has hit the mailbox twice and has gone through traffic lights on numerous occasions ".
It's hard, but I do feel both he and the public are safer in the end.
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8 ReactionsI am sure you are right. I had no idea that was the process. I'm sorry you had to be the bad guy. You are dealing with enough without that.
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3 ReactionsNeedless to say, I was quite shocked when the hearing officer read the letter. For some reason, I thought the report would be anonymous, but apparently, it wasn't. In any case, what's done is done, so I'll just have to take the heat until he cools down. I knew it was going to be a huge disappointment. Losing his independence is a big deal and I know it may take some time for him to adjust to the new normal.
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3 ReactionsWe tried to get friends and family to take daddy for a drive after he wasn’t able, but that rarely happened. Turns out I did almost all of his drives. He really enjoyed getting out for just a little while. Eventually, his mobility got so poor I wasn’t able to get him in and out of the car.
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3 ReactionsI can relate totally. Ours has been a slow progression, getting lost and finally our kids intervened when he was 100 miles away and we had to get state patrol to intervene. He was also tested and cognitively he did not do well. He also thinks I am someone else --due to Faceblindness which 30% of Alzheimer's patients have. He lived a double life which I found out about so I at first thought I was his side chick but I have learned from professionals that cognitively he has difficulty with people but a separating emotions, It was 5 years ago I discovered this. I used to cry all the time but realize how much is the disease. I can't undo what happened and we had therapy but I feel cheated as the last couple of years the dementia. He has good days and bad days. Hang in there as I know it's not fun. I have lots of support with friends and family.
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6 ReactionsI should share--my husband has trouble with remote and even can only sign a check. I have learned to sometimes deter him to different conversation but when he can remember most everyone but me and I do everything for him
including manicure and pedicure and he is incontinent as well so I have to help as he puts his pull ups on backward even though I mark them. I keep my sense of humor. I purchased a transport wheelchair and things to assist at home. Even though I am turning 80 and am 125lbs I can do most things because I have trained with a trainer since I was 40. It has been the best investment in my own health. I want to stay in our home which is large but We love it.
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7 Reactions@sr5367sh
Yes, my husband was very unhappy and in denial, but I had to persevere for everyone's safety. Having him upset with me is better than the alternative of having an unsafe driver on the road.
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5 Reactions@lulululu
Hi, you wrote that he signs checks, and that made me wonder if he should be signing checks.
I checked with my lawyer; since I am my husband's Power of Attorney it is ethically and legally incorrect to have someone with mental incapacity sign anything they do not understand.
My husband didn't even sign our tax forms this year.
All the best to you. 🌻
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3 Reactions@sr5367sh Fortunately our kids were the bad guy. He tried to get any documents to see who said what. Our Dr wrote as well. He gets mad periodically but then lets it go. I said I would take him for test if he can make an appointment. It won't happen. This is not easy.
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4 ReactionsI appreciate everyone sharing as I can we all have similar issues. My husband still has many good days and even remembers things I thought he would forget. However, it is off and on. Do most of your spouses still remember family members? They say my husband is middle stage but he still remembers others. Most of his confusion is with me. I have been told it has to do with the double life and the Face Blindness.
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