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The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business
I titled this discussion with tongue-in-cheek, but only part way. As this caregivers discussion group has begun I have been struck by the number of times the word 'guilt' is used by us caregivers. It is unfortunate, understandable, unnecessary, and, to me, more often than not, unwarranted!
I believe 99% of our guilt is so unwarranted we caregivers need a place to get rid of it. This gave me an idea....
So here is our Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster! Feel free to check in, and make a deposit anytime you want! The dumpster is big, it has no weight limit, 24/7/365 availability (since we as caregivers often live on that same 24/7/365 schedule), no fees, and the lid is now open! 🙂
I'll start.
More often than not, I believe a person is thrust into a caregiving role. It seems to just happen and we answer the call for some variety of reasons. Those who adopt the nickname of 'caregiver' obviously have accepted our call.
As we each know, caregiving comes with no employee handbook, no job description, no timesheet to clock in and out, and an awfully slim benefits package. I likened my initial feelings as a caregiver to those I had the first time I jumped into the deep end of a swimming pool. In over my head and trying my best to just not drown.
In the 14 years I was my wife's primary caregiver I had loads and loads of feelings of guilt. Heck, sometimes I would feel guilt before I even did something because I was unsure of my ability to do what she needed. But, thankfully, we always seemed to manage. Not always the smoothest of managing, but we did get to say 'mission accomplished'.
Yes, the 'mission' at hand would get accomplished and sometimes I would be repaid with a smile and sometimes with a snarl. While the 'mission' got done -- however my feelings of guilt often did not end. To fight the guilt, I finally began to use a mantra/image to help me through the guilt. Before I would start, I'd close my eyes for a brief moment. When I would reopen them I would say to myself "Well, Scott, no one appeared in this room to take my place for this task, so all I can do is give it my best."
This did help. I still had some, but at least less, of the guilt. My reality now is too much of those feelings of guilt still nag at me and hang on my shoulders like a weight. So I leave it here. Now. Today. In the guilt dumpster!
Feel free to have at it!
Peace and strength to all caregivers!
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@naturalebyjas breathing exercises help me. It sounds simple but it helps to focus on my breath. Inhale for four counts and exhale for four counts. I repeat to myself, I am doing the best that I can.
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5 Reactions@jc8 I do that all the time! I started many years ago when my children would do something that would send me over the edge. It has been such a help over the years to just stop and remind myself I am doing the best I can.
I took care of my husband when he was diagnosed with lung cancer until he died. I had a lot of anger after his death. "How dare he go and die on me? We were supposed to grow old together." That alone set my guilt at an all-time high. He didn't ask to have cancer and he certainly didn't plan to die at 60. When he was diagnosed, I took over and did everything for him. And I would do it all over again.
two years later I brought my parents south to live with me. My dad had Alzheimers and my mom's health was suffering. That was 14 years ago. My dad has passed away and now my mom has dementia. Daddy had always done everything for Mom. He took care of the bills, made all the decisions, etc. When I stepped in, I took over and took care of everything for both of them. I was thankful to have them here and that I was able to help my dad and take care of him in his last years. I love having Mom with me, we actually get along pretty well. Taking care of her has gotten more difficult, but we have managed.
I finally asked my brother to come stay with her so I could go to a retreat last December. That was the first time I had gone anywhere without her. It was wonderful! I had such a good time and felt refreshed. Also, felt very guilty for leaving her. I had left very detailed instructions to cover anything I could think of. I was already planning my next trip over the summer. I knew I needed that break to stay sane and to give myself room to breathe.
But now things have changed. Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer last week. She is not eligible for surgery or chemo. I am feeling overwhelmed and worrying about what's next.
We have a palliative care meeting this Thursday and I hope to get some answers then. We set the appointment before her PET scan so I'm not sure if that will still be an option.
I feel like a duck. All calm and serene on the surface and paddling like crazy below the water. I keep breathing, counting, and saying I am doing the best I can.
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8 ReactionsYou are an amazing person. I am sorry for the loss of your husband. It was incredible for you to become the caregivers for your parents after the death of your husband. I also moved my parents to live near me in 2004. Dad died in 2008. We are doing the best we can taking care of our mother. I send you my prayers.
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3 ReactionsThanks everyone for sharing. Makes me feel that I'm not alone. We're all trying to do our very best to care for our loved ones.
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5 ReactionsI didn’t think I’d be posting this as soon as I am.
My husband of 34 years passed on his 82nd BD March 3rd.
He is finished with this hellish wretched disease. He is at peace, and I vacillate between relief he’s not suffering and what in the world will my life be without him.
I think I did the very best I knew how to take care of him. He passed peacefully and comfortably and I am grateful for that.
Peace to you all.
I’ll be around if anyone needs anything!
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10 Reactions@nmrcdigman I am so sorry to hear this, I can feel your pain. While at Mayo with our son who had a liver transplant, my Mother required hospice's care. We came home 2 days before Christmas, she died 14 days later. Care givers take on more than we can ever imagine. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Teri Diaz
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5 ReactionsSorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.
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2 ReactionsThank you all for your sharing. It has helped me put my feelings into perspective. I am not comfortable sharing yet….but the topic of guilt was eye opening for me and led me to other topics for me to meditate on .
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6 ReactionsI think it’s a requirement to have some guilt, or a lot, and it comes and goes.
Remember, it’s just a feeling, it’s not bad nor is it good.
Be good to yourself.
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8 Reactions@sillyblone Hi. My husband has not been diagnosed with anything but Metabolic Encephalopathy. Jan 27 he had a fusion. He was pretty much perfectly normal, except for minor confusions at time, which I was told was typical for an 80 yr old. He had not been diagnosed prior to surgery, but doctors were told he could not tolerate drugs which we learned from a previous hospital stay. He had a red wristband indicating same. Somehow, he was given benadryl overnight, and then a muscle relaxer 2x, and no one could tell me who ordered this. The end result was a 3 day stay turned into a 10 day stay, and then when he was discharged, we had to see a neurologist who diagnosed him. Now, 2 months after surgery, his back is great, but he is showing many of the signs that you mention. What should I do? We have another neurology appointment this week. This all has happened since discharge. Any suggestions? I am trying to write down all symptoms for the neuro appointment.
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