Fluctuations, Better..Worse..Better...Worser

I know worser isn't a word but it fits.

Mom is declining overall. Sleeps at least 20 hours a day. Harder to wake. The other day, she could not understand one word. I tried to ask if she wanted food, then just said "Food" or "Eat" while making a hand gesture. Not even that helped and she looked confused and said, "Yes, I'm cold." A few days later, she was up walking in the memory. care and highly agitated - sundowners. She can barely hold herself up. Then the next day, when I saw her, I thought she had passed away - she was in a deep sleep, mouth open and I thought she wasn't breathing.

She was breathing super deeply. I moved her mattress slowly because it was slid over and it wakened her and she tried to open her eyes but couldn't.

My heart hurts. I just want her to be at peace. When she's awake, she's anxious, confused, in pain and doesn't know where she is or why she's there. Now she can't understand me. We haven't had a real conversation in a long time and I miss her. We used to laugh every time we talked.

Yesterday, a good friend passed away. My brother died a year ago. Grief is swallowing me and tears just pop up.

Best thing today: took dog for a walk, found a turtle about to cross the road and took him to the pond in the pasture.