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Decision to let sick person go

Posted by jo55 @jo55, Feb 16 5:43am

I had to make the hardest decision in my life. My husband of 50 years was suffering from multiple autoimmune disease + bone marrow neoplasm for the 16 years. Last year where constant hospital admission with nearly every organ affected. I was watching him slowly being more and more sick, but his will to leave was strong. I become his carer, but for me it was privilege not a chore. Recent hospital admission, he suffer from multiple organ failure, I have seen him in some much pain and distress, that I ask doctor to help and make him not suffer anymore. He did not suffer, everything stopped, and I stay with him every second, every hour, every day till his end.
Now I am crying all the time, have that massive guilt, that maybe was something else to be done, and I let him go.
We love each other and have been together all the time, and now?
Its so soso difficult and empty.

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Phyllis D. | @pmdel | Feb 17 8:42pm

You did nothing wrong! You were with him, cared for him, loved him. He knew you loved him and did what your heart knew was best for HIM. Letting him go was not easy fir you. And sometimes it is very difficult to do what is best for someone you love. You are strong and brave. It is very hard and empty and lonely right now, but you’ll be fine in time, I promise. When you realize that deep down that you thought of someone above yourself and did the hardest thing in your life! You let him go so he would feel no more pain, even tho it broke your heart. God bless you, comfort you and give you peace.

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jo55 | @jo55 | Feb 18 4:33am

Thanks for your kind words.

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jo55 | @jo55 | Feb 18 4:40am
In reply to @mir123 "I can really feel for you and what you are going through. When my husband Robert..." + (show)
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I can really feel for you and what you are going through. When my husband Robert and I were courting he said something very odd and unromantic-sounding to me. He said: "If I am ever in a coma, I want you to be the one to pull the plug." He was 22 at the time. Fourteen years later he went into a coma, after surgery meant to cure his colitis, and was brain dead and on life support. You can imagine how that earlier comment came back to me. I told the doctors "I have to pull the plug." I must have sounded insane, but after some conversation when it became obvious he would never recover any function, he was taken after the respirator.
I tell this story not only because it relieved any guilt I might have had but because I think this unromantic statement was the most romantic of all. We can end up trusting our spouses completely in matters of life and death. So I really hope you can let go of the guilt from a selfless and loving deed. I did have some survivor's guilt, though. For a long time I felt weirdly guilty to be alive when he was dead, couldn't eat his favorite foods, etc. Luckily this passed off--with help from a therapist and a grief group. I guess I found other ways to honor his memory rather than doubting myself. I wish you all the best with this difficult journey. My loss was 30 years ago, and I have mercifully been able to move forward--I think in large part because I knew he'd want me to. Sending you my best thoughts. Thank you--this is an important topic.

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@mir123 We were together for fifty years, and that never felt like enough. He could understand me before I even spoke, and now there’s no one who can fill that space. The place beside me is empty, and I know I have to keep going, but right now it feels so hard. Thank you for your support.

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Miriam, Volunteer Mentor | @mir123 | Feb 18 7:53am
In reply to @jo55 "@mir123 We were together for fifty years, and that never felt like enough. He could understand..." + (show)
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@mir123 We were together for fifty years, and that never felt like enough. He could understand me before I even spoke, and now there’s no one who can fill that space. The place beside me is empty, and I know I have to keep going, but right now it feels so hard. Thank you for your support.

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@jo55 I don't know if you like to write or draw or keep a journal. But I did write down many memories that were shared by just the two of us to feel that they hadn't been completely lost. Whatever you do, it is still a terrible blow. Do keep in touch with us.

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jo55 | @jo55 | Feb 19 5:40am
In reply to @scottrl "This is a terrible situation. Please accept my condolences on the loss of your husband. That..." + (show)
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This is a terrible situation.
Please accept my condolences on the loss of your husband.

That being said, you absolutely made the right decision. Subjecting your husband to further suffering would not have been kind, and would not have changed the outcome.

Clearly, you are a devoted, loving, and unselfish person.
Your husband is at peace. Now allow yourself to be at peace also.

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@scottrl Thank you .

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jo55 | @jo55 | Feb 19 5:43am

Today marks one week since my husband passed away. Everything is still raw and I’m still crying. I know me decision was the right one. But I’m still carrying a massive sense of guilt. I feel so conflicted and so sad.

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phylc | @phylc | Feb 19 12:34pm

I believe it is your longing to have him alive and well beside you to hold and love him that makes you question whether you made the right decision to support his leaving without suffering more pain. Your reaction is normal and common. Your wish to have him here longer with you had to give way to your love which recognized that he shouldn’t have to suffer longer. The truth is, no amount of additional time with him would have been enough before saying goodbye. I wish you healing and peace of mind. My own belief is that he is in heart and in Heaven thanking you for loving him so much.

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phylc | @phylc | Feb 19 12:48pm
In reply to @jo55 "Today marks one week since my husband passed away. Everything is still raw and I’m still..." + (show)
Profile picture for jo55 @jo55

Today marks one week since my husband passed away. Everything is still raw and I’m still crying. I know me decision was the right one. But I’m still carrying a massive sense of guilt. I feel so conflicted and so sad.

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@jo55 I think you could feel some comfort and relief by sharing your feelings with a Mayo Clinic therapist or your doctor who can support you during your time of grief. You are fresh into your grieving period, so crying and sadness are expected. I also recommend surrounding yourself with family and friends who can offer support. Do not put unreasonable expectations and time restraints upon yourself as to your grief.

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gently | @gently | Feb 20 5:03pm

Jo, letting him go is the most selfless, kindest, loving act of your lifetime.

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igygom | @igygom | Feb 20 6:35pm

Jo, it would speak very differently of your heart if you did not have these feeling for your husband, You did the absolute right thing in cautiously deferring to his agonizing wishes. He too, quite surely weighed in your path without him and still needed the freedom from pain to peace for himself ,,, and you, presumably. Wishing you all the encouragement to get through this time and hope you can move on in the best way possible as he would want this for you.

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