1. < Loss & Grief
Profile picture for jo55

Decision to let sick person go

Posted by jo55 @jo55, Feb 16 5:43am

I had to make the hardest decision in my life. My husband of 50 years was suffering from multiple autoimmune disease + bone marrow neoplasm for the 16 years. Last year where constant hospital admission with nearly every organ affected. I was watching him slowly being more and more sick, but his will to leave was strong. I become his carer, but for me it was privilege not a chore. Recent hospital admission, he suffer from multiple organ failure, I have seen him in some much pain and distress, that I ask doctor to help and make him not suffer anymore. He did not suffer, everything stopped, and I stay with him every second, every hour, every day till his end.
Now I am crying all the time, have that massive guilt, that maybe was something else to be done, and I let him go.
We love each other and have been together all the time, and now?
Its so soso difficult and empty.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.

Profile picture for Dolly Jane
Dolly Jane | @dollyjaneprenzel | Mar 21 4:54pm
In reply to @crabby55 "When my mother was dying from ovarian cancer, I was fortunate enough to have clients that..." + (show)
Profile picture for crabby55 @crabby55

When my mother was dying from ovarian cancer, I was fortunate enough to have clients that shared some personal stories. I always remember one woman who said hind site, she wished she would have let her mother go. She realized she continued different forms of medical treatment more for herself than her mother. That has always stayed with me.

Jump to this post

@crabby55 should my ovarian cancer return, I will not treat it. Peace. Dolly

REPLY
Profile picture for jo55
jo55 | @jo55 | Mar 22 5:25am

Thank you very much. It has been six weeks since my husband died, and I know that no matter what I chose at the time, he would still be gone now. I simply chose what was easier for him. But I am still very, very upset, and angry at myself. I keep thinking — maybe one more day together, maybe one more hour? But I also knew the reality, and that the way he went was kinder for him. It just doesn’t make it any easier for me.
I still talk to my husband every day, even though it’s only one‑way now. I have sudden bouts of crying over the smallest things, and sometimes I cry for hours. I hope it will become easier with time, but right now it isn’t. I went through our wedding anniversary alone, and his name day, and I still have his birthday ahead of me… It’s all just very, very difficult. Thank you for your kind words.

REPLY
1 reply
Profile picture for Randy Shields
Randy Shields | @randallshields56 | Mar 22 9:08am
In reply to @randallshields56 "@jo55 the book is a nice touch i like it. it took my mom 10 years..." + (show)
Profile picture for Randy Shields @randallshields56

@jo55 the book is a nice touch i like it. it took my mom 10 years to come to terms that were manageable when dad passed away. i still talk to him and that's been more than 30 years ago. life can be cruel so you find distractions or a craft you might like to try, when i have a problem i put in gods hands at night and usually have an answer by morning most the time anyway. thank you for your kind words and wisdom. comes with the territory, like life we learn from the past and present place. today is my brothers birthday he would have been 68 today he didn't make it past 39. an accident. i don't let the guilt eat at me now because of the brain surgery twice and its tolerable now. i was angry for sometime till i figured i could have not done anything in the time given. I'm taking up sign language and would like to learn Spanish. those for now are my goals. so here is a prayer for strength to care on the things that mean the most to you, compassion for yourself because you need that now and not guilt and lastly the love of family and friends that wish you only the best support and health.================sent. Have a blessed day and hear from you again.

Jump to this post

Thank you for the hug.

REPLY
Profile picture for Randy Shields
Randy Shields | @randallshields56 | Mar 22 9:09am
In reply to @randallshields56 "@jo55 the book is a nice touch i like it. it took my mom 10 years..." + (show)
Profile picture for Randy Shields @randallshields56

@jo55 the book is a nice touch i like it. it took my mom 10 years to come to terms that were manageable when dad passed away. i still talk to him and that's been more than 30 years ago. life can be cruel so you find distractions or a craft you might like to try, when i have a problem i put in gods hands at night and usually have an answer by morning most the time anyway. thank you for your kind words and wisdom. comes with the territory, like life we learn from the past and present place. today is my brothers birthday he would have been 68 today he didn't make it past 39. an accident. i don't let the guilt eat at me now because of the brain surgery twice and its tolerable now. i was angry for sometime till i figured i could have not done anything in the time given. I'm taking up sign language and would like to learn Spanish. those for now are my goals. so here is a prayer for strength to care on the things that mean the most to you, compassion for yourself because you need that now and not guilt and lastly the love of family and friends that wish you only the best support and health.================sent. Have a blessed day and hear from you again.

Jump to this post

Thank you for the helpful and like. have a blessed day.

REPLY
Profile picture for joetex
joetex | @joetex | Mar 23 9:13am
In reply to @jo55 "Thank you very much. It has been six weeks since my husband died, and I know..." + (show)
Profile picture for jo55 @jo55

Thank you very much. It has been six weeks since my husband died, and I know that no matter what I chose at the time, he would still be gone now. I simply chose what was easier for him. But I am still very, very upset, and angry at myself. I keep thinking — maybe one more day together, maybe one more hour? But I also knew the reality, and that the way he went was kinder for him. It just doesn’t make it any easier for me.
I still talk to my husband every day, even though it’s only one‑way now. I have sudden bouts of crying over the smallest things, and sometimes I cry for hours. I hope it will become easier with time, but right now it isn’t. I went through our wedding anniversary alone, and his name day, and I still have his birthday ahead of me… It’s all just very, very difficult. Thank you for your kind words.

Jump to this post

@jo55 I’m seven months out from the death of my wife of 58 years and I can say that six weeks means you are in the raw state of grieving. The crying and difficulty with the anniversary dates are very hard. It sounds like you did a very loving thing for him by letting him go when you did. Don’t be hard on yourself for that. I found that having a grief counselor and a grief support group has been very helpful. Like you say, it’s very difficult and takes time to go through. I wish you the best.

REPLY
1 reply
Profile picture for jo55
jo55 | @jo55 | Mar 23 11:34am
In reply to @joetex "@jo55 I’m seven months out from the death of my wife of 58 years and I..." + (show)
Profile picture for joetex @joetex

@jo55 I’m seven months out from the death of my wife of 58 years and I can say that six weeks means you are in the raw state of grieving. The crying and difficulty with the anniversary dates are very hard. It sounds like you did a very loving thing for him by letting him go when you did. Don’t be hard on yourself for that. I found that having a grief counselor and a grief support group has been very helpful. Like you say, it’s very difficult and takes time to go through. I wish you the best.

Jump to this post

@joetex Thank you. I know only time can help. It's just very unfair from life, that I did not go first. Fighting with everyday life it's so difficult at times. I miss him so much.

REPLY
Profile picture for kjoed53
kjoed53 | @kjoed53 | Mar 26 5:02pm

I am so sorry for your loss. Guilt is the curse of a caring and loving person that feels deeply and loves wholly. I've had two experiences in my life of letting go. We had a daughter born premature that we had to make a decision to let go because her lungs weren't developed and it was only machines and nurses keeping her alive. I held her and rocked her until her heart stopped beating. It was the right choice.
The second was when my mom suffered a stroke, which was her biggest fear. She didn't want to live that way and I knew it because she always talked about it. I held her hand and told her that I loved her but I understood if she wanted to let go. She passed away a few hours later. Both were difficult decisions but they were the right ones. You made the right decision out of love and the doctors agreed with you or they would have protested the choice. Keep him in your memory be proud of who you are!

REPLY
Profile picture for jo55
jo55 | @jo55 | Mar 26 6:38pm

Thank you so much and so sorry for your lost.
I think this guilt will stay with me for a long time, even though I know the other option was letting my husband suffer. Maybe it would have given us a few more hours, but at what cost? I still cry every day and I talk to my husband all the time. I even read a chapter out loud from a book he had but never had the chance to read.
It’s such a sad and empty space for me. I miss him terribly.

REPLY
1 reply
Profile picture for yram
yram | @yram | 6 days ago

Don't feel guilty. No one wants to suffer or see someone else suffer. He is at peace now. And I am sure he appreciates you letting him go. You are a good person

REPLY
Profile picture for jej55555
jej55555 | @jej55555 | 5 days ago
In reply to @jo55 "Thank you so much and so sorry for your lost. I think this guilt will stay..." + (show)
Profile picture for jo55 @jo55

Thank you so much and so sorry for your lost.
I think this guilt will stay with me for a long time, even though I know the other option was letting my husband suffer. Maybe it would have given us a few more hours, but at what cost? I still cry every day and I talk to my husband all the time. I even read a chapter out loud from a book he had but never had the chance to read.
It’s such a sad and empty space for me. I miss him terribly.

Jump to this post

@jo55 I am so sorry for your loss. Our son, age 50, passed away 3 years ago after 7 weeks in intensive care. We miss him terribly but know he is not suffering anymore. Our heart has a hole in it, talk to him everyday, and she’d tears… all of that is ok to do. You will meet him again. Hang in there. ❤️

REPLY
View MoreView Less
Please sign in or register to post a reply.