1. < Depression & Anxiety

My depression never seems to end

Posted by missy4396 @missy4396, Apr 26, 2017

I am new to this group, I just happened to find it today. I get the monthly depression online readings from Mayo Clinic. I turned 50 on Monday. I have stayed in denial. I know this may not seem like a bad age, however it is for me. I have been divorced for 15 years. I have never remarried. I have 2 beautiful daughters, they are 29 and 21. I rarely see either one of them. I am a recovering alcoholic as well. I do attend meetings, see a counselor, work with a sponsor and sponsor other ladies in the program. I see a psychiatrist and I do take a couple anti-depressants. I have been hospitalized two times in patient and several times in partial day treatment. I do work, however I haven't this week. I don't get paid if I don't work. So financially I'm messed up. I've been physically sick and should be going back to work tomorrow. I live paycheck to paycheck and I can't afford to even miss an hours work. I was sober for 17 years until my divorce. I started drinking very heavily again, my girls were 16 and 9. Neither one of them had seen me drink up until that time. I did a lot of damage as they were growing up. This is why I rarely see them or talk to them. I am very lonely and hat this life I live. I have a diagnosis of severe depression with recurring episodes. I have been in counseling for years. This is a horrible disease and I feel like I have had very little relief over the last 15 years. My doctor and I both agree that I don't respond well to antidepressants. I have tried them all. I am not suicidal by any means. But I feel like I have no reason to be here. I have no purpose....I'm so lonely and regret the past. I once had a very happy family...normal family. My girls are in contract with their day regularly. My youngest lives with him. He is also an alcoholic and I believe an addict. He is a functional alcoholic where I am not. I don't want to drink, not do I want to be so miserable any more. I don't know what else to do....feeling very hopeless and days I just want to give up!!! I am blessed to still have both my parents, I do feel like they are my only real family!!

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.

Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Apr 29, 2017
In reply to @danybegood1 "@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10..." + (show)
@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, "well i guess there's no way to say it, your dad has passed. " My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

Jump to this post

@missy4396 Thanks for posting about your fear of being alone. Sometimes fears can put us in very difficult places, can't they? Often when we fear we seek relationships that we hope will provide protection from our fears, but sometimes they don't do they? They often create more fears. It seems you have fears about staying with this man. Have you talked with a counselor regarding your fears? If not, I would urge you do so. Keep in touch with Mayo Connect and let us know how you are doing. Teresa

REPLY
missy4396 | @missy4396 | Apr 29, 2017
In reply to @danybegood1 "@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10..." + (show)
@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, "well i guess there's no way to say it, your dad has passed. " My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

Jump to this post

Thank you Teresa!! Yes I am seeing a counselor and we are working on this issue. I have a fear of breaking up and being more depressed or staying with him and not being in a fulfilling relationship. This is always been my past...even my divorce. I feel like I want to break up or divorce, I go through with it and then I regret the decision. Then I romance all of the good times, not the real reason we are not together. That sounds crazy!!! I will be on here, I love this group. I feel blessed that I found it. God does work in my life!!

REPLY
missy4396 | @missy4396 | Apr 29, 2017

Thank you!! I love your positive outlook on life. You have been through so much and you have came out on the other side a winner. God Bless You!!

REPLY
missy4396 | @missy4396 | Apr 29, 2017
In reply to @danybegood1 "@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10..." + (show)
@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, "well i guess there's no way to say it, your dad has passed. " My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

Jump to this post

No not at all Judy!! I put my life on here for positive or negative feed back. You sound like all of my friends in AA, my family and my counselor. Intimacy is very limited, maybe once a week and never an over night thing. No, he has never brought his dogs here. You are probably 100% spot on!! He is very comfortable with the way things are...it works perfectly for me. WOW.....I don't think it's intentionally either, I just think it is the way he is. He is a wonderful man and has a lot of great qualities. Truth is, just not a wonderful man for me to be in a relationship with. I have a lot of decisions and praying to do. Making decisions has been so hard for me since I've been sober this time, almost 4 years. I can't decide where I want to eat sometimes. I think all of you on here are amazing!! Thank you!! I'm going to a belated birthday lunch with my daughters today. Haven't seen them in a while. Wish me luck!! I do get a little anxious around them. I just don't know what to say or how to act. If I ask questions about them, I'm being nosy. If I share my life with them, I'm being dramatic and negative. I'm sure there is truth in the drama and negativity. It's a hard habit to break and I'm working on it. Some days are better than others!!

REPLY
georgette12 | @georgette12 | Apr 29, 2017

Thank you beemer for your positive attitude. You have gone through so much and are still positive. Many hugs

REPLY
Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Apr 29, 2017
In reply to @danybegood1 "@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10..." + (show)
@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, "well i guess there's no way to say it, your dad has passed. " My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

Jump to this post

@missy4396 I am glad that you are in counseling and I understand how difficult it is. I'm glad that you found this group as well! You encourage us with your sharing. Stay strong! Teresa

REPLY
missy4396 | @missy4396 | Apr 29, 2017
In reply to @danybegood1 "@missy4396, thanks missy, right back at you. Iam going to make an appt with an allergist...." + (show)
@danybegood1

@missy4396, thanks missy, right back at you. Iam going to make an appt with an allergist. If ive been suffering for 15 yrs with this itching, and its just an allergy im going to kick myself in the butt. Lol. Talk to you later.
Judy

Jump to this post

Your are welcome!! Keep me updated. My mom't itching does get worse if she is under a lot of stress. But that is not the root cause.

REPLY
danybegood1 | @danybegood1 | Apr 30, 2017
In reply to @danybegood1 "@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10..." + (show)
@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, "well i guess there's no way to say it, your dad has passed. " My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

Jump to this post

@missy4396, of course Missy, you could think long and hard about this. I know you are a great person, i can tell. But you know, until you make up your mind you could still go out maybe with friends, a few girlfriends. Not be so available to him. Treat him the way that guys treat us sometimes? You know out of sight, out of mind? You might find out how important you are to him. And really go out. Go see a movie or something. Wish we lived closer. Am i way off base here? Love, the instigator. Judy

REPLY
mari | @mari | Apr 30, 2017
In reply to @danybegood1 "@missy4396, thanks missy, right back at you. Iam going to make an appt with an allergist...." + (show)
@danybegood1

@missy4396, thanks missy, right back at you. Iam going to make an appt with an allergist. If ive been suffering for 15 yrs with this itching, and its just an allergy im going to kick myself in the butt. Lol. Talk to you later.
Judy

Jump to this post

20 years ago - I got stack of papers re products I CAN USE. soaps, makeup, detergents, shampoos everything -etc. I cannot find an allergist in L A area that provides this.
I went to allergist - got tested - now she expects me to go around -every time I shop, look up ingredients and figure out it i can use. OR, Buy$, put smear in plastic bag - drive down, get tested, wait, drive back see her - see if i can use that product - Ridiculous solution.

REPLY
danybegood1 | @danybegood1 | May 1, 2017
In reply to @danybegood1 "@missy4396, thanks missy, right back at you. Iam going to make an appt with an allergist...." + (show)
@danybegood1

@missy4396, thanks missy, right back at you. Iam going to make an appt with an allergist. If ive been suffering for 15 yrs with this itching, and its just an allergy im going to kick myself in the butt. Lol. Talk to you later.
Judy

Jump to this post

@mari, boy that sounds like a lot of work. I think doctors today are kind of worn out. Just think of how many patients they have to see after ObamaCare. I guess it made it a lot easier for people to see the doctor and get taken care of. This is a good thing. My brother is finally able to get some care. I almost lost him before Christmas, severe Pancreatitis. I just hope they dont try to take a fast track with their patients and miss something. I think we know how the wrong medicine feels. If i have an allergy i bet its my dog. The last two dogs ive had had bad yeast infections. oy vey. a yeaster
See ya later gator, Judy

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