1. < Depression & Anxiety

My depression never seems to end

Posted by missy4396 @missy4396, Apr 26, 2017

I am new to this group, I just happened to find it today. I get the monthly depression online readings from Mayo Clinic. I turned 50 on Monday. I have stayed in denial. I know this may not seem like a bad age, however it is for me. I have been divorced for 15 years. I have never remarried. I have 2 beautiful daughters, they are 29 and 21. I rarely see either one of them. I am a recovering alcoholic as well. I do attend meetings, see a counselor, work with a sponsor and sponsor other ladies in the program. I see a psychiatrist and I do take a couple anti-depressants. I have been hospitalized two times in patient and several times in partial day treatment. I do work, however I haven't this week. I don't get paid if I don't work. So financially I'm messed up. I've been physically sick and should be going back to work tomorrow. I live paycheck to paycheck and I can't afford to even miss an hours work. I was sober for 17 years until my divorce. I started drinking very heavily again, my girls were 16 and 9. Neither one of them had seen me drink up until that time. I did a lot of damage as they were growing up. This is why I rarely see them or talk to them. I am very lonely and hat this life I live. I have a diagnosis of severe depression with recurring episodes. I have been in counseling for years. This is a horrible disease and I feel like I have had very little relief over the last 15 years. My doctor and I both agree that I don't respond well to antidepressants. I have tried them all. I am not suicidal by any means. But I feel like I have no reason to be here. I have no purpose....I'm so lonely and regret the past. I once had a very happy family...normal family. My girls are in contract with their day regularly. My youngest lives with him. He is also an alcoholic and I believe an addict. He is a functional alcoholic where I am not. I don't want to drink, not do I want to be so miserable any more. I don't know what else to do....feeling very hopeless and days I just want to give up!!! I am blessed to still have both my parents, I do feel like they are my only real family!!

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.

beemerw47 | @beemerw47 | Apr 27, 2017
In reply to @danybegood1 "@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10..." + (show)
@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, "well i guess there's no way to say it, your dad has passed. " My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

Jump to this post

My ex is similar.towards me..but children bond with dad because it is dad...the only thing you can do is love..and not trash him in front of the girls because it brings you to a bad light..like i said forgiveness is for you..a gift of healing..my brain injuries unfortunately led me to not have my kids full time..so I can see what it does to them..and the body reacts to stress so..I just went through a rash..but usually i go through psychogenic seizures from stress..all too real..anything can happen with stress build up..so look if meds changed..if anything is different if not it just may be stress..Epson salt baths and well biofeedback tapes are fantastic..Neuropsychologists are good even as psycologists because they see beyond the scope of the normal psychologists and they do not give meds..they are team with a psychiatrist only when it is recommended does the team decide a med comes up..the girls need to learn what a good man is compared to a not so good man for a good relationship

REPLY
Moderator
Justin McClanahan, Moderator | @JustinMcClanahan | Apr 27, 2017
In reply to @missy4396 "I am going back to work today, I don't have time to read everyone's posts this..." + (show)
@missy4396

I am going back to work today, I don't have time to read everyone's posts this morning. i will this evening. I feel better when I'm working. Wish me luck. 2 day paycheck this week is better then a 0 day paycheck. How do I follow people on here? and have people follow me? Thank you!!!

Jump to this post

@missy4396, like @danybegood1 said, if you are replying by email it is best to click on the VIEW & REPLY button at the bottom of the email so that you will be taken to the full discussion and will be able to see everyone's posts in order.

To follow a specific member:

- Click on their username
- You will then be directed to their page that shows all of a members posts
- Under one of the posts will be a + FOLLOW
- Click on that you will then be alerted of that members posts

REPLY
missy4396 | @missy4396 | Apr 28, 2017
In reply to @missy4396 "I am going back to work today, I don't have time to read everyone's posts this..." + (show)
@missy4396

I am going back to work today, I don't have time to read everyone's posts this morning. i will this evening. I feel better when I'm working. Wish me luck. 2 day paycheck this week is better then a 0 day paycheck. How do I follow people on here? and have people follow me? Thank you!!!

Jump to this post

Thank you Judy...that's what I'll do just view and reply. My mom has the itching symptom (it is worse when she is anxious) But it's not all anxiety, doctor says it's an allergy. Any way she takes over the counter Benadryl and that helps her. Maybe you could check with your doctor and see if there is something like that you could take. It also comes in a cream. Thank you Judy...Hope you are feeling better.

REPLY
Jamie Olson | @jamienolson | Apr 28, 2017
In reply to @danybegood1 "@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10..." + (show)
@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, "well i guess there's no way to say it, your dad has passed. " My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

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Hello @giggyg, Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! Your post didn't seem to go through. Would you like to try again?

REPLY
missy4396 | @missy4396 | Apr 28, 2017
In reply to @danybegood1 "@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10..." + (show)
@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, "well i guess there's no way to say it, your dad has passed. " My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

Jump to this post

@beemerw47 I don't know if I did this correctly to reply to you. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I do admire your outlook on life with all you have gown through. I did talk badly about my girls dad to them when we were going through our divorce. I do not say anyy thing about their dad today.

REPLY
missy4396 | @missy4396 | Apr 28, 2017
In reply to @danybegood1 "@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10..." + (show)
@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, "well i guess there's no way to say it, your dad has passed. " My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

Jump to this post

Not sure what just happened...when I put your name in I could only see the first 2 lines I typed?? I'm trying to get used to this. Seems like there is a lot of different posts to read and I feel a bit confused. So if anyone knows what I'm doing wrong, please let me know. I understand to click on reply and see the conversation, but I have like 9 notifications and I'm not sure if I need to click on each one, or if there is an easier way to follow. I have been dating this descent man for over a year. This is our third time around. We get a long very well. We live like 5 minutes apart. He has two pits, one just had her front leg amputated due to cancer. She has healed and did her chemo . She does have pneumonia right now. I love both of these dogs too. I am 50 and he is 47. He has never been married, lived with a women or doesn't have any kids. We see each other maybe once or twice a week. I talked with him 2 weeks ago about our future, that I didn't want to be with someone I don't have a future with etc....He agreed and we decided to stay together. However, nothing changed, again!! We never spend the night with each other. He doesn't leave his dogs all night, and if I stay there I have to sleep in the guest room by myself. The dogs sleep with him. Two big pits and him in a King size bed, leaves no room for me. Long story...Like I stated before I have been divorced for 15 years and I don't want to live the rest of my life alone. I just don't think his idea of a future and mine are not the same. He lives in a big 2 story home, with the 2 dogs. I live in a little apartment and struggle financially. My lease ends the beginning of July. I tried to talk to him again tonight about a future....if he is going to sell his house (he said he will downsized when something happens to his dogs) They have a nice big back fenced in yard. I understand that...then he started talking about he may buy a condo later or he may buy a house closer to his dad, when something happens to his dogs. It's always "he will buy" it's never us. Nor, has he offered for me to move him and his dogs. Oh my gosh, I feel like I am in competition with his dogs. He has pictures of them on facebook and on his phone, and he doesn't me. I'm so confused....I would love to hear anyone's input. He is a wonderful man, treats me good and we never argue. But I feel like I'm dating a kid!! I'm too old to waste my time....I've attempted to break up and got very anxious and depressed and changed my mind and decided to stay. HELP!!! I don't know how many people can see when I post things either?? I'm hoping everyone in the discussion can??

REPLY
danybegood1 | @danybegood1 | Apr 29, 2017

@missy4396, thanks missy, right back at you. Iam going to make an appt with an allergist. If ive been suffering for 15 yrs with this itching, and its just an allergy im going to kick myself in the butt. Lol. Talk to you later.
Judy

REPLY
4 replies
danybegood1 | @danybegood1 | Apr 29, 2017
In reply to @danybegood1 "@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10..." + (show)
@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, "well i guess there's no way to say it, your dad has passed. " My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

Jump to this post

@missy4396, hi missy, you say you've been with this man for a little over a year? I dont want to spend the rest of my life alone either. It sounds like this guy might be happy with the way things are. Does he ever bring the dogs to your house? I hate to get too personal but are you guys intimate at all? I dont think i like this guy. It seems he's not treating you well enough. If im over stepping my boundaries im very sorry. I can feel pretty protective sometimes. Thoughts from someone else? Am i overlooking something? Dont be a stranger. Love, Judy

REPLY
Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Apr 29, 2017
In reply to @danybegood1 "@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10..." + (show)
@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, "well i guess there's no way to say it, your dad has passed. " My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

Jump to this post

@beemerw47 You have given some helpful suggestions, thanks! Teresa

REPLY
beemerw47 | @beemerw47 | Apr 29, 2017

what i can tell all of you from learning about people..I was a Social Worker for years, brain injured now but i have learned to watch people..heck with my severe brain injury I woke up like a 4 year old so I literally grew up in front of my ex..which was his "excuse" or one of them for "falling out of love" with me...I have learned everyone is a gift, a bad experience, a good one..we take from the experience what we can..we have to learn not to repeat the negative or..haven't you noticed..it repeats..GOD's divine plan..you learn and it does not..we take the good..we change..See all we can do is change us, not others..and teach our children to look at people's hearts..not the outside, not the world, not what is going on in the negative..but the positive side..i am still coming back but the brain is extraordinary what dimensions..what capacity...one day at a time..and keep smiling..you are here now..You woke up which means you have a day ahead of you so what positives can you accomplish..that is why i journal the bad and keep the good...

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