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My Approach to ECT Amnesia
I know that ECT is often feared and misunderstood because of the potential side effects, amnesia among them.
When I took some time to reflect upon my experience with ECT and the resultant amnesia I realised I could shape the view I had. I first started calling lost memories my memory holes because I had learnt that with focus I could sometimes refill them.
At some point I saw my perspective on life change in that I was not dwelling on my past but relishing my present instead. At the same time I was looking forward to the future with hope thanks to ECT.
I wanted to pull this all together and so I created an image in my mind of where I was in life relative to ECT and amnesia. I see myself standing at the edge of a field beyond which are forested hills and mountains. In the field are numerous holes. However, the holes don’t matter because while they’re there, they don’t impede my view.
I believe that having a positive attitude like this regarding ECT and amnesia has made it easier to attend treatments and see success.
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I'm glad you have found a way to be positive about your amnesia. I don't have holes in my memory I lost about 90% of 40 years. What is left is fuzzy. My last shock was 5 years ago, I still struggle to make memories. The ones I do make are fuzzy. It's not just about the memories you loose, the lost history that destroys relationships It's also not knowing what you don't know that scares me. I have learned of awful things I forgot happened, I worry what else I don't know about. I did not have good results with ECT. It did not help my bipolar. My depression worsened, had more manic episodes, started hallucinating and became delusional. I have since been diagnosed with Major NeuroCognitive Disorder. I don't want to get into the cognitive impairment because this is about amnesia. I lost my sense of self. I grieve her even though I don't remember her.
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2 Reactions@ettrick I trust that more holes have been filled in over the last 3 years. I wonder how it affected your day to day life, and how it affected those closest to you. I'm considering ECT, but the doctor mentioned primarily short term memory loss which would return soon after treatment. Have you heard that longer term amnesia is common? My wife and adult children are very much opposed to ECT, but I'm tired of being depressed for decades, so am willing to face possible side effects. I already have holes in my memory, possibly in part from all the meds I've taken. I'm interested in your perspective.
Jim
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1 ReactionI’ve been through 5 ECT treatments and the worst I’ve experienced is a little confusion when first waking up. The depression is still full on. I wonder every day if or when the ECT might start working.
I already don’t remember most of my life, I believe from the dissociation and my memory button being jammed off, likely either when my mother broke my femur at 11 months or when she scalded my leg when I was 2. In short, I had to dissociate in order to survive but then never knew I needed to turn the memory button back on again, so it remains jammed shut. It’s weird but I never realized the memory loss until recently. I just never gave any thought to care about it.
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1 Reaction@suzleigh Don't give up on the ECT. It takes more treatments for some people than for others. Given the trauma you've survived, it's not surprising that you need more treatments (spoken as a fellow survivor, not a doctor). Some people have loss of memory of the bad bits of their past when they do ECT. There are some chunks of my life that I'd be happy to forget. But amnesia doesn't sound to be a side effect for you.
Keep going until you get a breakthrough.
Jim
@jimhd The doctor in charge of my treatments cur them off after 7 visits. Evidently, I am one of the 20% of so where ECT doesn’t work. The doctor said that ECT doesn’t necessarily work for my level of trauma and BPD. He suggested DBT, but I have my doubts about this form of therapy. I already radically believe I am seriously damaged and broken.
@suzleigh It seems that DBT takes a lot of commitment to really do the work involved. It's not a simple, quick fix, for sure. I think that much of the success depends on a good therapist.
My therapist is using some DBT methods, but I don't think it's the therapy that works best for me. I work in my woodshop most days and try to refocus from negative to positive self talk, but depression just doesn't let up. Perhaps if I were to work with someone whose main focus is DBT, I might make the connection. I wonder, too, if it would work better for me having a weekly session instead of every 2 or 3 weeks. Another thought I've had is doing it with a group. I've found groups to be helpful, but I haven't been able to find a depression/anxiety/PTSD group for more than 10 years. That's one of the drawbacks of living in a rural area.
Have you found groups to be helpful? What's your understanding about DBT? It hasn't always been very clear to me just what it is.
My psychiatrist has spoken of trauma therapy, but she's never suggested where I would find a therapist or a trauma therapy group. I hope to get some firm answers at my next appointment next week.
Jim