Respite dilemma

Your son has generously offered you a way to go on vacation with your family, and this is also respite from your caregiving responsibilities. Take the offer and go. If possible, you could arrange for some other family member or friend your husband knows to look in on him while you're away. Regardless, you should not allow your cognitively impaired husband to hold you hostage.

Go and take care of yourself
Your husband probably cannot grasp the burden on you as the caretaker and does not appreciate the importance of taking care of yourself in order to take care of him.

I had a similar situation. My husband was more furious than I’d ever seen him as I took him to a small group home, but within minutes he was talking and laughing with residents. While I was away I got a few phone calls asking me to reassure him, and then he’d be okay again. Once I returned home he forgot the whole thing. GO!!!

It might not be very restful for you to leave your husband home with others checking in on him. Do you have family members who could take turns staying in your home for the duration of your respite care or take him to their home? You might consider finding a caregiver or two NOW to sit with him while you run an errand to introduce the routine of someone else in the house. Perhaps even spending a night periodically so some semblance of a normal routine can be established. Then the caregiver(s) would be in place for a more restful time away for you and less confusing, scary and stressful change for your husband. The money your son would spend on a short-term memory care facility stay could be used for "home" care. Finding reliable private duty caregivers can take time so you might need to initiate this soon. Family or friends could schedule visits to give you peace of mind. I found with my husband that completely unfamiliar stays away from home are very disorienting. And while it is true that he may not remember the change after returning home there is some level of "emotional" memory that can endure after an unsettling experience. My personal goal is to do what I can to help him feel safe and contented without damaging whatever connection we have with each other.

It is wonderful that you have this opportunity and that your son is in a position to pay for respite care. The time with your son's family sounds like it will create memories and closeness that you will all treasure forever. For this reason, and for the health benefit for you as a caregiver, it seems to me that you should assume going and focus on finding the best solution for respite care.

I would suggest choosing the care situation that involves the smallest amount of disruption in your husband's life. Early last year, just a brief stay in a hospital following a fall left my husband affected negatively for over a month. A couple of months later, I had a sudden acute medical issue and he had to go to a memory care facility. We enhanced that by having family visit him every day, and having him continue to attend the day program that he was then attending. He seemed ok with the memory care facility at first ( month or so), but then he started getting anxious and fearful. Thank goodness I recovered and was able to get enough caregiver help at home to bring him back home.

I don't know how far along your husband is in memory loss or how social he is. If he is very social and likes new places and you have personal references to enable you to tell that it is the kind of place that suits him, he may do fine in the memory care setting. Although it will take more work, if he is timid or very attached to doing things at home, the alternative of hiring in home caregivers and trying them out ahead of time might be the safest choice in that it involves the least amount of change.

You mentioned that he is furious. It would be good, of course for both of you, to get him to a less concerned state about you going. If he remembers that the trip is happening and expresses anger, then listening calmly, sympathizing and expressing love for him when he raises the topic may be all you can do. (I try to remember one of the basic rules of communicating with dementia --don't try to reason with them.) If he forgets about it, I would not raise the subject. When needed, at the time of the trip, you can be very calm about the good things about what he will be doing. If his dementia is quite advanced, could you tell him that he is going to a senior vacation spot?

If his condition can accommodate it, you might talk to your doctor about a mild anti-anxiety medication for him for use if needed during the time you are gone. Our doctor prescribed one for us (Trazodone) when we were still traveling, to take the edge off of the airline travel days.

(For a future trip, it may be helpful to use a "Fiblet", perhaps tell him that you have to go take care of a friend who is not well, etc. This might take away the sting of being left behind. Since I did not want him to know I had been sick, m cover story for why he was in memory care was that something had to be fixed at the house.)

Please go, you need a break, a chance to relax and decompress, time not to be “in charge”. My husband has vascular dementia and we caregivers are always on “alert”, monitoring nearby or from a distance. A break is wonderful.
Does your son live nearby or coming nearby to pick you up? Have him drive your hubby to the facility, he won’t give your son as near as much grief as he will give you.
My husband was angry when told by the hospital MD he needed to go to an assistive living for “now” to get stronger, get some PT, get his diabetes under control (he got into the “You’re not the boss of me” mode at home, landed in the hospital). Although fully ambulatory, I paid for a medical transit van to take him to the AL ,as I was afraid he wouldn’t get out of the car. Our kids are out-of-state.
The facility said not to come visit for some days, give him a chance to settle in. When I went, he had been welcomed into a group of guys, made friends with 2 other Navy vets (found them himself through them wearing Navy ball caps). He was teasing and laughing with the young staff. He was fine!!!!
I did get a wall calendar and marked out in red the day he entered and the days I’d be back to visit, left a pen so he could mark off the days. I also bought a 24”TV and a moveable stand and “simple” universal TV remote on Amazon, also Amazon has “calendar clocks for seniors”- it has the date, time, and “time of day”- morning/afternoon/evening. My husband sleeps at variable times, the clock really helps him stay oriented.
I would also highly recommend a facility with private rooms, with bathroom.
Once the plan is in place, go ahead of time without him and get the room set up, make the bed- I bought twin sheets and a comforter I thought my guy would like, the facilities provide them, but he might get flowers. Get the TV set up. I bought a smaller fridge at Walmart, stocked it with his favorite soda and water. Favorite snacks can go in the bedside table. If you can do it without him seeing you, pack his things for the vacation time, and some extras, mark tabs with his initials, set up the drawers and closets. Buy new toiletries he uses and set them up. Towels are provided, but his soap, shampoo, etc can be put in place.
On the day he needs to go in, your son or someone other than you can drive, stop at drive-through Dunkin for a coffee, off to the facility. He won’t be happy, but there won’t be a meltdown. My husband was famous for volcanic meltdowns, the presence of the other person, the welcoming staff, the familiar items and set-up, the extras, will smooth the way. Don’t stay very long, the staff will want to do “their thing”, it’s better for him to get into the flow.
If this seems like a lot, it’s really not. Anything you buy can be put away for that day your hubby needs a higher level of care. It took 8 years of home caregiving for mine, but it may happen.
Good luck and GO, enjoy the time, best wishes always 😊

@centre Forgot to mention, the day of, take his bed pillows with, the familiar feel and smell will help with him feeling safe and comfortable.

I am in the process of getting the Medicare Guide Program. It’s a process but seems like it will be worth it. Information help and some financial help for respite. Good if you have Medicare A & B, but does not accept Medicare advantage, yet. The program started in July of 24 & is an 8 program.

@gpingley477 I'm also starting the GUIDE program - so far looks like it might help me keep my head above water..

I agree with these responses. You need to go. You will regret passing up these types of opportunities and become resentful. No one will benefit from that in the long run and it will only make your responsibilities harder to face. Think of how many things you already either pass up or have to approach differently. I have family who will come in to help if I want to travel and I do not ask often. May be twice a year. On a day to day basis I have given up so much already. I can leave my husband for an hour or two but he will often call me several times while I am out and the big outing us usually the grocery store or some other needed errand. I cherish the times I can get away with help for him. You need to go.