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Respite dilemma
My husband has vascular dementia with FTD. His dementia was caused by a hemorrhagic stroke 11 years ago . He is ambulatory and can shower and tend to personal needs. He has a stiff right leg and drags his foot. He has fall 5 times in the past 2 months. He refuses a walker, speech help and will go to physical therapy once a week. I have an opportunity to go on a 3 week vacation this summer with my son and grandkids, but my husband absolutely cannot go. He has gone on 2 previous trips and it was very hard. My son has offered to pay for a stay in a really nice Memory facility that doesn’t accept insurance. My husband is furious and I don’t know what to do
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Your son has generously offered you a way to go on vacation with your family, and this is also respite from your caregiving responsibilities. Take the offer and go. If possible, you could arrange for some other family member or friend your husband knows to look in on him while you're away. Regardless, you should not allow your cognitively impaired husband to hold you hostage.
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6 ReactionsGo and take care of yourself
Your husband probably cannot grasp the burden on you as the caretaker and does not appreciate the importance of taking care of yourself in order to take care of him.
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4 ReactionsI had a similar situation. My husband was more furious than I’d ever seen him as I took him to a small group home, but within minutes he was talking and laughing with residents. While I was away I got a few phone calls asking me to reassure him, and then he’d be okay again. Once I returned home he forgot the whole thing. GO!!!
It might not be very restful for you to leave your husband home with others checking in on him. Do you have family members who could take turns staying in your home for the duration of your respite care or take him to their home? You might consider finding a caregiver or two NOW to sit with him while you run an errand to introduce the routine of someone else in the house. Perhaps even spending a night periodically so some semblance of a normal routine can be established. Then the caregiver(s) would be in place for a more restful time away for you and less confusing, scary and stressful change for your husband. The money your son would spend on a short-term memory care facility stay could be used for "home" care. Finding reliable private duty caregivers can take time so you might need to initiate this soon. Family or friends could schedule visits to give you peace of mind. I found with my husband that completely unfamiliar stays away from home are very disorienting. And while it is true that he may not remember the change after returning home there is some level of "emotional" memory that can endure after an unsettling experience. My personal goal is to do what I can to help him feel safe and contented without damaging whatever connection we have with each other.