~ Flat out at the bottom: so many bills to pay, not sleeping, worry ~

You are very welcome my dear! I understand "floundering" within your faith. I was in that position last September. God knew I needed some help because of the financial, health and emotional struggles i was having. A friend invited me to a women's conference. I didn't want to go since I didn't know anyone but her. I made myself go & it was the best thing I did for myself. I made 10 new Jesus friends, God made himself very real to me & I have a completely new outlook on life.

You got this girl! Just keep talking!

Hi abby, just jumped in to read this. Have not been here to keep track. I will catch up. But i have to just send a SUPER GIANT HUG THIS INSTANT. Do not give up. If you feel like it...post something ASAP. OR CALL WHOEVER OUR SMART MODERATORS SUGGEST. WE ARE ALL WITH YOU!

georgette12 ..... thank you so very much for your kind thoughts. I did see my therapist and psychiatrist (for meds.) last Tuesday, and that always helps. Now, I just need to sell my condo in Frederick, so I won't have to pay the mortgage and HoA fee when my tenant moves in June. It would be impossible for me to pay the mortgage on that, plus my rent where I'm at now. I desperately need to find a church, and I know that. I have been here over a year and not found one. This is not like me at all. Since 1968, I've always been part of an Evangelical, and sometimes Charismatic church, until about 12 years ago I was led to join the Western Orthodox Church .... I love it .... the peacefulness, calmness, contemplative sense during the worship and Communion really ministers to me. But, there aren't any of them down this way unless I want to drive almost 2 hours. So, I have gone to two different Eastern Orthodox Churches down here and while they believe the same, the worship is not at all alike. It's not something I can easily adjust to ..... I mean no disrespect, truly, but it feels rather frenetic to me. So, here I am in a place I never thought I'd be spiritually ..... watching one of my old church's service on-line.
It just seems like everything I try to do goes south. Maybe I should never have moved down here ..... maybe that's it. I don't know, but whatever it is, I wish I'd know so I could change it. My 3 kids have been wonderful through this horrible transition. They all have totally "stepped up to the plate" and done whatever was needed to help. I am blessed with them, for sure, and I know that. That's why I moved down here ...... my 2 daughters live down this way (both Geriatric Social Workers), and my son lives outside D.C. in Alexandria where he is a Patent Lawyer.
Sorry I babbled so long .... just so much to think and pray about ....... and I'm still waiting for an apartment to open up in those low-income apaartments ..... that will really help my financial situation.
abby

Dear amber...you are definitely absolutely not babbling.
Actually i think it's really helpful that you touch on all sorts of stuff like this because it helps you to see all the stuff you are dealing with at one time...which...to me...is good...because seeing it all right there in front of you can help in some way to sort it out. Actually for me, once i see all i'm dealing with...then i SEE THERE IS A GOOD REASON I FEEL SO BAD! So that's kind of a sideways view of helping me feel better.

And then when i read what you and others are posting and see all the myriad things you all are going through...then i know i'm not alone.

So anyway you look at this....words and words and words and words are really good!

Yes, you're right. I do a lot of journaling. Here's another example of my inner voice telling me "you're always wrong." I went to a pine car derby yesterday as my little grandson had a car in it. I was with my daughter, sil, and the 2 kids. My X-husband came which I knew he would (he is a good grandfather), and while we get along pretty well now (it's over 10 years - we were married 40), he just looked so old to me, his hair is all white, he's got himself so thin that he's almost gaunt (that's intentional as he's not sick), and he's sort of humped over from his neck ..... he looked pathetic. Everything in me screamed "you did this, it's all your fault!". My "head" knows that's not true - I never wanted a divorce, but he gave me no choice ...... he has a personality disorder - Narcissism - and would not even begin to look at his part in our marriage problems. It was like beating my head against a brick wall. My Psychologist told me one Friday that "if you don't get out of there, I am going to have to admit you to ___________ (name of private Psychiatric Hospital) ..... you cannot keep living like this." I kept feeling that if I just tried enough, prayed enough, he'd come to his senses, but no, that never happened I left, but the final straw was when I finally convinced him to see a marriage counselor .... the Psy. asked us each to say several positive things about the other. I had no trouble with that because, even with all his narcissistic mindset, he was a good Dad, provider, worker, etc. When it came to be his turn, he sat and thought awhile and said, "she's a good Mother." The Psych. asked him, is that all? He nodded and said yes. With that, I got up, and walked out and filed for divorce the next day. It's not easy to get over 40 years of being with someone, and I probably never will, especially since I instigated the divorce. But, it is what it is, and I'll continue to survive. But, down here ...... after being uprooted from Frederick where I'd lived for 30 years, I doubt I'll ever really be happy. Just something I have to learn to deal with.
abby

Hello all...i kind of end up just going through my email and hitting view and reply to whatever strikes me. I used to try to be orgainzed and do it by date or exact topic. I officially have given that up! So many posts that i want to see and reply...my new plan is to look at all my mail and what jumps out first is what i click. I know i miss a lot. I now count on the moderators to maybe move some of my stuff or let me know wherr else to post.

So i need help please. I guess some of you know my story...and i think the way this works is you can look under my name to catch up.
I never mentioned that my husband of 34 years is an alcoholic. Since i have been trying to recover from everything...i see i am not getting better. I have never used substance...but my mother was an alcoholic and my two sons and others. My children are not his...so he is not traumatied by their loss.
I finally, yesterday, told him he had to choose alcohol or me. He chose alcohol.

I'm sorry. It would be very hard to get out of a 34yr marriage, but if you are able, it would probably help you. If he doesn't want to change, he never will. You either need to accept this or leave. Wish there was help, but I don't know what it is. Have you been to AL anon?

Oh, @georgette12, I am so sorry to hear that! What a courageous step for you to take. I will pray that you will both have peace and understanding and most of all hope! Blessings my friend. Teresa

@liz223 Alanon is a good suggestion for anyone who is dealing (or has dealt) with alcoholism in their family. Teresa