Dealing with a Spouse with a “Mild Cognitive Impairment”

@pamela78 I realizeI’m reading this several months after you posted, but I feel I should look for more of your posts on here, as our lives seem to be running a parallel in this area at least. I am still at the “annoyed” part tho…when my husband of 52 years meets me at the door, or, more recently in the garage or even when I pull in the driveway. I like a few minutes to just breathe before coming back in the house. I need to be thankful that I still CAN get out by myself, even if only for an hour or two.

2Me Things have changed for us over the past three-plus months. After
a bad fall, my husband spent two weeks in the hospital, two weeks in rehab,
and is now living in a senior living residence where he has the care he
needs. It's independent living with care, so we can adjust things as we go
along. The transition was very difficult for both of us and we're still
working things out, but I believe we're settling in and both of us are
doing okay. My husband seems to be accepting his situation, more or less,
and I'm doing so much better. I'm not annoyed with him now. I see him
virtually every day--yesterday was the third day "off" I've had in over
three months--and I can easily be with him for a couple of hours. On
Sundays, when the facility doesn't serve dinner, we go out or I bring
something in to his small apartment. Our Thanksgiving day plans fell
through so I ate at his place with the other residents. The turkey dinner
was great and I enjoyed the experience very much. I was glad things turned
out as they did, and my daughter's family were healthy enough for us to go
to their house for a big dinner on Friday. I was going crazy before and
hated the way I felt. Now I can be consistently nice and look out for
things that come up, which happened last week. If I hadn't caught
something, I don't know how things would have turned out, but I was able to
advocate for him. It was exhausting and involved driving all over the city
but he got what he needed. Not everyone can afford to find a good place
for a loved one with dementia, but for us it's made all the difference.
For me, absolutely. Hubs has Alzheimer's so this isn't going to get
better, but he's in a good, safe place with everything he needs and a staff
that is incredibly kind.

If you do have the option of residential care, I'd encourage you to take
it, assuming the facility is a nice place for hubs to be and for you to
visit. The tension has drained out of our relationship after years of
increasing frustration. You must make the decision and don't feel guilty
for what you choose to do. You have a right to life, you know, and you
don't have to throw your husband under the bus to have it. Things can get
better but you have to take the reins. I know I've grown a lot because of
this experience. I'll soon be 80 and there's still life to live. All the
best to you and yours.

Question: What type of therapist does one look for when dealing with a spouse with MCI?

@murkywaters if looking for a therapist for yourself, I’d recommend one who is a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW). Maybe one who has worked in a hospital. When I was looking, i asked multiple people for recommendations. I had been a nurse in the hospital so I knew how excellent the social workers were. The woman I ended up with is very good, friendly, and helpful. She usually doesn’t have earth-shattering advice, but just talking to her is a great help.
Finding a good therapist is well worth the effort! I wish you the best.

Hello All
This is my first comment on this site. My husband was diagnosed with MCI one year ago. He also has orthostatic hypotension, which causes him to faint pretty often. So my frustration today was due to the snow that fell in our area. Hubby has always been the one to shovel and clear the pathway and driveway. But because of his fainting, he shouldn't be shoveling. But he was defiant, got dressed and proceeded to shovel. I kept asking him to come in because I hired teens to shovel tomorrow in the AM. He just kept at it until I could tell he was feeling unwell.
He finally came in to my relief. But when he does his own thing, it stresses me immensely because I have to deal with the faint, which comes with seizure like activity and vomiting. Then he doesn't remember it happened.
What do other wives do when their husband has MCI, but think they are invincible and do not heed a loving wife's advice?

@ladybugcarebear that is a hard situation to deal with, especially when being defiant or sticking to his guns can cause him harm. It seems to me that @tunared shared a story a while back about his wife using the stove and leaving on the burner. Another situation that causes the caregiver distress and can do harm to the person with MCI.

So what does one do? That's a tough question to answer. But I'll try...forgive me if my suggestions are off-base.

I wonder if your husband might be taking issue with phrases that focus on him and what he should and shouldn't do. It's so tempting to say things like "You shouldn't shovel." Or "the doctor said with your heart you're not fit to..." "You can't..." etc.

Instead, focus on others. "Isn't is great to see young people willing to help their neighbors and shovel..." or "I'm thankful that we can pay these young people to shovel the driveway and they're off their phones for a bit..."

I get that his actions cause you stress. That's a lot to handle on top of everything. How are you doing today?

I just joined this group and this is my first comment. I'm glad I found others that have experienced the same frustrations and emotions that I am having now. My husband was diagnosed with MCI about a month ago. His impairment stems from his condition of Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus. NPH means he has too much cerebral fluid. The treatment is to have a shunt inserted in the brain to drain the fluid. He had that done in 2023 and had a brain bleed 3 months later because the shunt drained too much fluid. Neurosurgeon was able to drain the fluid with no brain damage. He needed an adjustment to the shunt late February this year and again the shunt drained too much fluid, causing another brain bleed in April. The shunt is not suitable for him. The NPH causes gait issues, dementia, and incontinence.
In the last six months since the brain bleed he has become a different man. He has the gait of a much older person and has been diagnosed with MCI. Incontinence is beginning but not regularly yet.
I am experiencing grief, anger, frustration, constant sadness, depression. I want to cry all the time. We live in our two-story home of 40 years and I'm looking for a place with bedrooms on first level. He cannot help me sort out the collection of "stuff" we've gathered over many years, and it's an overwhelming task. I'm making financial decisions without him because he doesn't care. With finding a new home, making financial decisions, paying bills, taking care of car maintenance (I cried at Valvoline because I couldn't pop the hood!) and handling bill payments, yard care, etc., I'm at my wits end. We've always enjoyed regular evenings out with friends and do use alcohol. He is now obsessed with going out and drinks more beer than he did before. He is also obsessed with his reading articles on his phone and does so even when we're in social situations.
I am going to talk to my doctor and am glad to have found this place to talk with others in my shoes. I've read helpful comments here and feel like I might find some commiseration and suggestions. Thank you.

@snedakerj I am right there with you. My husband and I have almost identical experiences as you are. However my husband thinks I am at his service 24/7. He needs me constantly whether it is questions or asking me to get something for him to yelling questions when I am in a completely different part of the house. I too am taking care of a 2 story home and paying bills. Everything is so overwhelming I almost think I am the one who is sick. How do we make it through all of this?

@snedakerj I am right there with you. My husband and I have almost identical experiences as you are. However my husband thinks I am at his service 24/7. He needs me constantly whether it is questions or asking me to get something for him to yelling questions when I am in a completely different part of the house. I too am taking care of a 2 story home and paying bills. Everything is so overwhelming I almost think I am the one who is sick. How do we make it through all of this?