Husband with dementia in denial

@celia16 I do have a deposit at a care center. Just waiting for the right time,

@edj1950 , it’s good to have that option for when it’s needed. We were surprised how fast the level of care progressed with my dad. We were trying to get respite care when that happened and it was not easy. We had been on a waiting list. I think if I could have gotten some respite time on a regular basis the last year, it would have helped the caregiver fatigue.

@celia16 I have deposit in at a nice care center in our town but haven't decided it was time yet. Would to care for her as long as I can.

My wife was diagnosed with MCI several years ago. We attended the Mayo Clinic HABIT Program three years ago. The two week program is superb and I recommended for any folks having to confront MCI.
One thing that was learned about a year ago was a particular supplement; Huperzine A has been shown to slow decline and even reverse symptoms. This was learned anecdotally from a personal contact with an Ahlseimers parent that was successfully treated with this supplement. Over the last year, my wife has been taking this supplement and coincidentally it is part of a slate I’ve been taking for several tears. I’ve noticed improvements in her principle symptom area of emotional control & wellness.

My husband has had memory loss for about seven years, stable, worsening only a little. His cognitive ability also is stable, but diminished enough that he is unable to make good decisions for important matters. He is in good humor, loves talking with family and people he knows well, but reluctant to interact with people outside is daily contact with friends and family.

Even at this level, caretaking is exhausting. I plan everything for him, including taking meds, doctor appointments, clothing care, meals, planning activities, and relaying information at doctor appointments about his symptoms - he has kidney failure and Myelodysplastic Syndrome and is always fatigued. Reading comments here makes me realize how fortunate I am that my husband is in an upbeat frame of mind, forgetting his own problems to such a degree that he still thinks life is good!

@edj1950, it so hard to be understanding and caring when you alone are on the receiving end of your wife's frustrations and anger. She likely isn't angry with you, but rather frustrated that her mind isn't working and you're the one that is there to lash out at.

@tunared was talking about a similar situation in this related discussion:
- How do you respond when your spouse keeps asking where her mother is? https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/how-do-you-respond-when-your-spouse-keeps-asking-where-her-mother-is/

You ask, "how do you know when you can't do it on your own any longer?" Being the sole caregiver is tough at the best of times. The time to get help for you is now. Do you have resources in your area that can offer respite care or programs to help you at home?

@colleenyoung I cared for my mother who had dementia for about four years in my home and then for another two years in assisted living in memory care facilities. In hindsight, which is always 2020, she would’ve benefited from an appropriate placement sooner. We ended up going through two separate placements, the first in a low level Elder care facility that could not deal adequately with her memory issues and the second was a memory care facility. In hindsight, I would’ve opted for a bigger facility so she could move from lesser care to greater care over the time. In hindsight, I would have placed her in a facility a couple of years before I actually did. Caring for her was difficult. She needed more care than one person could provide and I needed my own time and care to live a happy healthy life. Hindsight is always 2020.

One thing that I did do in the process, in order to be able to occasionally take a trip with my husband, is to take my mom to a senior care facility, willing to accept short-term stays. It often depended upon how many residents they had a given point in time, but there was almost always at least one room available for a short stay. Those respite stays were invaluable. In hindsight I should have done that much more frequently than I did. The toll on the caregiver is far greater than anyone can imagine, even the caregiver in the midst of it. It was only in hindsight as I looked back on a very long 3 to 4 years and caring for my mom how much of a toll it really took on me.

@tullynut , very good points. Most people have no idea the toll it takes on caregivers. My health has definitely suffered as a result. I would never recommend it to others. Even when the loved one is in a facility, the caregiver responsibilities are substantial.