Dealing with a Spouse with a “Mild Cognitive Impairment”

@tryingtimes10 So difficult reading all of these posts. My mom passed away almost 20 years ago from cancer. My dad is now nearing 91. His brother closest in age recently passed from alzheimers.

Dad has mild dementia. He’d get lost if he walked out of his front gate. He can’t remember what he did an hour ago. He doesn’t recognise people who used to revere him in his career and are kind enough to still greet him when we’re out. He remembers the distant past clearly. He says the same things frequently (currently fixated on yellow cars, and how few sedans there are any more)

I really don’t know how we’d cope if we didn’t have the whole extended family helping out.

My heart breaks for all of those carers doing it without the support we have and with the heart breaks of losing their loved one in the here and now 💔😪 It’s not supposed to end like this 😰♥️

@rubyredkate
I just keep telling my husband that, when he thinks I'm contradicting him, that I love him and for that reason, I'm just trying to include more details/facts. Glares or no glares, I think as a caregiver we have to speak the truth, as painful as it may be, even though they may not like hearing what we have to say.

@kjc48
Thank you! My gut totally agrees with you but then i will doubt myself. Many experts say to never correct them so that gives me doubt. Im going to begin with your words “because i love you”. Thank you again, we can feel very alone sometimes.

Yes, I think when we come from a place of love and compassion, and they see it whether they remember it or not, it matters. I remember at the doctor's that day, telling him "because I love you, and at the same time, leaning into him and holding his hand....I don't have all the answers, but what I do know, is we have to figure out a loving, caring way to deal with them in their progression of what is a very scary disease. I think this Mayo connect is powerful because when I type a response, I don't feel so alone......I know you all are there.....and for that I'm grateful.

@kjc48
Thank you so much for your compassion. I don’t feel so all alone.

@rubyredkate @jeanadair123 @ocdogmom
I’ve read and reread your comments the last several days. I like your advice about Dr visits, your thoughts on DH’s thoughts, understanding questioning yourself, etc., etc
Today we went to an elder lawyer for the first time. Oh what a can of worms that was! Our grown daughter went with us, she’s helpful to not lose it with his (DH) nonstop questions and explain more patiently than I. On the way home he and I were driving alone and he was angry, says I’m secretive, I discount him and just generally treat him differently. I had to just sit there and take it, it is so unfair. Is this my karma? I’ve always tried to be a good person, I feel like I spoil him in so many ways…. It just hurts, all of it. Just venting…

You are alone. I understand. We did the same back in May and even though we had talked about it before we scheduled and he agreed to all of the necessary changes, I still felt like my husband was thinking I was just trying to set everything up financially to my benefit. I try to reinforce to him every time he brings up the issue of our finances that everything I do I do for him so I can ensure he will be protected and cared for always. My husband cannot carry a wallet or keys any longer and I only give him money to carry if he is going out for a meal with his brothers or with friends. He hides everything he considers of value and then forgets where they are hidden. This crazy disease can make them so distrustful of anyone, especially the very one who is trying so hard to take good care of them. Believe me, I wish my husband was still capable of handling all the business that comes along with living our lives together.

@lkbous I think you are wise to vent here on this page. It is a way to express our fears and frustrations with what dementia is doing to our loved ones. We all can understand what you are feeling and offer our support. Above all you need to take care of your physical and mental health. Taking your daughter with you to the lawyer was a good move on your part. You will need her help on this journey. My daughter has been my rock. It is so hard for us to accept that our husbands are no longer who they were and adjust our expectations of their behavior. My husband has cognitive processing issues due to his brain failure. That means that he needs more time to process what has been said. If the conversation moves too quickly for him, he is lost and may ask the same question over and over or say nothing and just not get what has been said. You are a good person, never doubt that. Your being there for your husband regardless of his negative behavior is proof of that. I have found that trying to take it one day at a time and not go down the "what if" trail has saved me much emotional pain. I just try to make it through one more day doing the best I can with what I have physically and mentally at that time and hand the rest over to God. God bless you and your husband.

@labrown sorry, I meant to type “you are NOT alone”…

We have home care and they have been very good. I am doing the push antibotic and so far I'm doing okay. My husband sometimes thinks I'm someone else, his sister, his cousin, a "a very short woman" etc. etc. --when I tell him, no it's me, your wife...he gets angry. Then in about an hour or two, he seems fine, seems much like himself, knows me. When he gets delusional, I ask him "Who do you think I am? his answer is "What name do you call yourself?" When I give him my name, he gets angry and then tells me "No, that's not you." Today, he grabbed the keys to the car as if he was leaving...which, thank God, he did not...very scary. So I have no idea what is physically going on in his brain. Blood flow? the inflection? My plan is to see what happens when the push antibotic stops in about 7 days, then back to his neurologist if it continues. I looked at his MRI and it doesn't seem bad. I had taken him to neurologist before we knew it was blood inflection. That DR. who had just seen him 2 months ago, did not see much of a change. But clearly, something is not right. Regardless of what this is, I need a plan on what to do when his "You are not my wife" thing happens. Any suggestions?