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Parenting adult child with depression
After a series of disappointing life events, periods of unemployment and under-employment, combined with clinical depression, my son who is in his forties has, in my therapist’s words, checked out. Bottom line is that I support him financially in terms of keeping a roof over his head. He is compliant with his meds but is in need of a new therapist due to our move and to his therapist’s downsizing her practice. He is in grad school to obtain an MSW, edits online to earn minimal pay, and does some community activist volunteer work but, in essence, is not gainfully employed. The major manifestation of his illness is episodes of profound lethargy, e.g., sleeping all day. His seven year old son sees this and I worry about that though he does take some responsibility for his daily care. In summary, he’s like a teenager again in some ways. It’s as if being a student has brought him back to his late teens or early twenties. With the help of my therapist I have acknowledged that this all causes frustration and anger in me but due to his history of suicidal ideation in the past - and years ago he was in both residential and IOPs - I’m obviously reluctant to rock the boat, turn on tough love, or whatever. It’s not the money, believe me. It’s the concern that my support is enabling and that isn’t good in the long run. Any advice from either those of you with depression or those of you caring for a loved one with it would be appreciated.
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Thank you for such a candid response. Your comments are very helpful to me.
Having given it a bit more thought: there's more. Everyone has one thing or a few things that sort of soothe them. If you can get that or have it done, it helps. When I am soothed, I am less anxious, and that lessens the weight of the depression. It will be different things for different people. For me it is: my bed having been made in a certain way, a long soak in the tub (this one only works a handful of times), cotton clothing (if possible, freshly washed and ironed), dim lights, and open windows. Eating breakfast late at night also helps me.
If you could find what those things are for your son, you could do them for him. You don't have to do everything at once or do something each day, but on particularly difficult days or perhaps at random, you can do some of those things.
Please ensure you are also receiving some care as the caregiver, because you are very important, and needed, and valued.
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5 ReactionsPlease go to the support group. Gather whatever support you can, and use it.
May I also suggest that you do something for yourself at least once a week. It doesn't have to be something big, it can be as simple as taking yourself for coffee and just having some you time for half an hour or going to brunch or to see a movie.
Sending you love, warmth, light, and hugs.
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2 ReactionsI think the hardest thing for him - and for me to see him feeling - is his absence of hope that things will ever be better and his absence of any sense of success or accomplishment. I know - and at some level he knows as well - that these are the demons speaking. And frankly there are many times he’s tried something and failed. What do you do to regenerate hope?
He might want to look into getting Spravato treatments. It’s the only thing that really helped me in decades. It helped me have hope and feel more motivated. It only costs me $20 per treatment. I’ve also found that mindfulness meditation helps. I recommend that for you also. Insight Timer is a free meditation app that I like.
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1 ReactionOne adult recent post college child 22-23, has significant mental health challenges that have grown since 15, and trying to seek help( all college friends live away now , struggle to be social , purpose etc), - 22-23 yr old are closed off from other adult son 2 years older. and have significant reservations about the older brother - different views in world etc - (part of illness).
Both live at home for the time -older finishing a higher degree soon.
Should the parent share with older child that there are mental health concerns and we are trying to feign a little patience while help is being sought . It is not anyone’s fault or not much that older bro can do bc younger doesn’t even show acknowledgement - can do for him right now— I can tell older son knows something’s up but there is zero communication.
I wanted to address it akin to “it’s as if he had a car crash and needs help”, or “another health diagnosis and requires some significant help right now”.
I want to let older know, this is NOT personal and need him to continue his own life etc . If/when younger is ready , we hope more can be shared and communicated
Would that be violating some privacy for younger ?
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3 ReactionsPersonally, I would let his older brother know. It is hard enough for YOU to deal with what is happening with your younger son. Adding the stress of keeping a secret from your older son is just not worth it!
He doesn’t need to do anything, but it is his family and should be kept away n the loop.
That is what family is about. And you will need to have people to support you as you travel through this difficult period.
My thoughts, maybe wrong but I do find having people know, it has helped me a lot.
Thinking of you! Wishing you all the best.
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