Parenting adult child with depression

You are wonderful! Don't forget it!

Maybe, just maybe, and see what other people think about this suggestion-- you could ask him? Tell him that, yes, you are human and do get a little aggravated sometimes, but mostly that you love him and want to help. Ask him if he needs some more TLC or some tough love?

If he's in his 40s, I'm guessing that you are in your 60s? Maybe you could suggest that he be responsible for some of the house chores that you find difficult. You could suggest the ones that are hard for you and he could pick the ones that he thinks he can fulfill. Helping you might help him reconnect with the world.

I've had issues with depression and anxiety for a long time. They don't sound as severe as your son's, which is why I keep writing "maybe" everywhere. But when my mother got sick ( first a broken hip, then an aneurysm, etc.), it sort of snapped me out of myself. I wasn't really un-depressed but I was moving and functioning better, and it did last beyond her illnesses.

Bless you for being such a good, caring parent! I hope you get good advice and that your son feels better.

Hello,

Speaking of someone who has struggled with depression myself, I think my biggest question is whether your son has told you his thoughts on his current/past treatment for depression, and what are his goals (if any) he has.

I think trying to help a depressed loved one can be a very tricky balancing act. On the one hand, it's unreasonable to expect a depressed person to just snap out of it and pull themselves together. On the other hand, depressed or not, people in a bad spot in life must first be willing to take steps to help themselves. I haven't gotten as extensive treatment as your son has for depression (i.e. residential & IOP). However, I realized as supportive as my family and friends could be, it's still up to me entirely to talk to my doctor about my medication's effectiveness & my depressive symptoms, and to make an effort to have meaningful conversations with my therapist.

It's good he's compliant with his meds, but how often is he getting a follow-up appointment with his doctor? If he's been on this medication and dosage for a while, perhaps a change is warranted? Also, sometimes it can be the medication (instead of the depressive symptoms) that makes a person quite lethargic. Does your son feel like the medication is working at all?

I think the same question applies to therapy. Does he feel like he's making progress with his therapist? Does he have any goals (big or small) he would like to achieve? Is there small, achievable things he can do in the short-term to help make himself feel better?

Sleeping all day sounds like it could possibly have something to do with a physical cause. Has your son ever had his thyroid function thoroughly evaluated? How are his eating habits? Are his vitamin D levels good?
Or does he sleep all day because he stays up all night, either working or socializing or . . . watching movies? Those last two would be a bit irresponsible, in my view. If that's not the case, though, maybe there is a doctor who would be interested in finding out why he can't stay awake?

I wouldn't worry that your 'enabling' is handicapping him. There are a lot of people with problems like his who are simply on the streets because no one close to them can or will take care of them. It is especially helpful that you are giving your grandson some stability that he might not have otherwise.
Oh, I just saw in another thread that he is vegetarian. Has he had his iron and serum ferritin checked? Men can get low on iron, too, not just women, and low iron can sometimes be associated with fatigue, even if he doesn't actually have anemia.
So can sub-optimal levels of zinc, selenium, iodine, and especially the B vitamins.
I also saw in the other thread that your daughter-in-law is also living there? Would you feel comfortable approaching her with your concern about your son sleeping a lot? If she is also concerned, maybe both of you together could convince him to talk to a doctor about it?
I imagine they might both be slightly offended by any suggestion that their vegetarian diet could be contributing to his daytime sleepiness. What do you think?

Hi. He has been in transition with his health insurance - finally has it (we’re in California so it’s basically our state’s version of Medicaid since he is unemployed.) So I have been nagging him about getting himself to a new PCP. Comprehensive bloodwork sounds like a good idea. My “daughter-in-law” is in reality my ex DIL, that is, his ex-wife. I know it’s an odd situation but for financial purposes and child-rearing purposes we live together on a property that has two dwellings. So she’s not really in a good position to tell him to do anything!

All of what you say sounds so familiar to me! I've known quite a few couples living together after a breakup for the same reasons. Housing is so expensive and scarce! And I am also in California and also newly on medi-cal. I was actually concerned about my own iron when I had my first appointment and when I asked the gp about it, she asked if I had been anemic; when I said I didn't know, she asked if my hair had been falling out! She did not add an iron panel to my bloodwork-- and I don't think an iron panel is even that expensive. I started taking some supplements anyway, including a very cheap iron pill, and started to feel better.
The gp did add a vitamin D on top of the basic metabolic panel, which was something I hadn't thought to do. That was helpful because mine was just a little lower than the 'normal' range-- in sunny so-cal! She offered to write me a prescription, but since I already had some on hand that I was taking only sporadically, I started taking it daily or almost daily.
By the way, do you mind if I ask if your DIL and son are ovo-lacto- vegetarian, (including eating milk products and eggs in their diet), or 'strict' vegetarians (which excludes all 'animal products', even honey)?

Hi. They both are ovo-lacto and will also eat a few different types of fish. So not strict, primarily just no meat or poultry.

To those of you battling depression and anxiety, I admire your strength and resilience - I don’t have these conditions but my 43 year old son with whom I live does. And he has a 7 year old son who also lives with us and he struggles to be a good dad while feeling so terrible about himself and hating himself. A succession of failures in terms of jobs, etc., has exacerbated his feelings of worthlessness. Most recently he was feeling somewhat better and then his new doc started him on 40 mg of Prozac and his anxiety went through the roof - chest tightness, racing negative thoughts, etc. Years ago I had tried to take this med (during a very high stress period in my life) and had to stop due to similar reactions - it was a disaster for me so my Doc put me on Mirtazapine. So now he’s nose-dived and Doc told him stop Prozac and try Cymbalta, one drug that he was on previously with his former Doc (we moved across the country last year) . As a mom my heart breaks to see him like this and I don’t know what I should do. This morning I got him to come out and walk the dog with me just to get him moving although he did get himself up and shower and say goodbye to his son before school - which I know took great effort and which I feel was better than simply holing up in his bedroom. I’ve told him that he’s felt better in the past and so he can do so again and that this is totally not his fault nor even the Doc’s since no one can predict a drug reaction. If you feel like he does what helps you from your loved ones?

@marlenec I would say that what you are doing right now is most helpful to your son. You are showing him that you care for and about him. This caring attitude is more important (in my view) than most anything else. You don’t have to do anything else other than be « present » for him as you are already doing. Asking him to take a walk with you and your dog did get him moving and that’s a very good thing. Sometimes with depression and anxiety it’s just so difficult to move. Moving the body is a kind of reset to the nervous system. I found that my brother and I (like you and your son) had similar responses to one another with antidepressants. We are now both taking duloxetine (Cymbalta) and it’s working for both us.

When I have felt very depressed I didn’t like or want unsolicited advice. To me that wasn’t caring. It was an attempt to fix the problem from someone who didn’t understand how I felt and didn’t want to know how I felt.

I think when you remind your son that he has had so called good times and bad times is helpful. He hasn’t always felt this way.

Perhaps not today but someday your son will look back and will know and appreciate how much you care about and love him. If there is a depression support group in your community or online he may appreciate listening to others even if he chooses not to talk. Is your son seeing a mental health therapist?

Thank you. He has a therapist - finally recommenced therapy after a hiatus while securing new insurance after our move. I also have a therapist whom I see weekly because I struggle with how upset I get at seeing him upset but I also struggle to not show it since I think that will make him feel worse. He keeps saying he’s sorry and I keep telling him that he has nothing to be sorry for since this isn’t his fault. He drummed up the energy just now to go into work but I could see he was still fragile. He has a lengthy history - was in residential for a month six years ago followed by an IOP. In essence he’s done all the “right” things to address his illness but his illness still makes him feel so worthless. He’s unemployed because he cannot seem to get a job he wants; he’s in grad school trying to get another degree but I know he feels as if nothing he does is ever going to work out for him and all this affects how he feels as a dad. I am considering going to a NAMI support group for care givers. I was my late husband’s primary care giver for five years during his (lost) battle with lung cancer and it’s hard to keep having to assume this role.

The kind of help I need from my loved ones varies, and there are no hard and fast rules, it is not set in stone.
Sometimes I need space, meaning no interaction with others. However, that space has to be given for a limited time otherwise I fall too deep. Unfortunately, I can't give a number of hours that's suitable.
Sometimes (A LOT OF THE TIME), I need help with chores and errands. On this one, I need to be asked because sometimes it helps that I was somewhat involved in the activities, so I don't feel more useless as a person. Other times, I don't have the strength and those activities just make it worse.
Also, loved ones asking what I need, and listening to the answer(s) is crucial. Some of the things they may want to do for me to help can do more harm than good, so I value it when I am asked. You must help a person on their terms, not on the terms of the person giving the help.
Being reminded that I am loved and valued also helps. As does being reminded of the good that I have accomplished. Those reminders can help with the feeling of being useless as a person.
Basically, what I need from loved ones is "We love and cherish you. We are here for you, please show us how to take care of you. We will try to catch you or cushion your fall, whichever way you fall".
Sorry that this is not a very precise response.