Dealing with adult son with mental health: Parents want to share?

I called the police Monday because my son was threatening and physically fighting with us. 42 vrs 70. Over cleaning out my closet. He is basically doing a swedish death clean without my input. He is throwing out my stuff, upsetting the whole house by moving from project to project. If I say I want to go through it, he says I am a hoarder and I don't need it. I am not a hoarder, I have season things in a basement.
In recent days he has held a knife to his neck, first time I talked him down , second time I called police and they took him in. Now he calls me every 1/2 hr to bully me to tell them I lied and to get him released.
He scares us with his instant rage towards us, If a conversation doesn't go his way. I am hoping they don't release him today, and they are able to help him. I believe he will say what he has to do leave. They said not to answer his calls if they upset me, but I am trying to get him to understand my views, but he twists the truth to suit him. He calls to tell me he hates me, I say why are you calling me, your all I have. And he ends call crying.

This is truly a difficult and serious situation. He is/was a threat to you and himself. He can not be released until he is mentally stabilized and it sounds like there is a lot of psychiatric work to do on him to achieve this goal and this will take time. Do not accept him home and talk to his treatment team at the hospital to voice all your fears & confirm he will continued to be held in the hospital. At this point, he will NOT understand your views. Stop trying. The crying is a manipulation for you to feel sorry for him. It's sad to say, I know, but don't put any stock in this. I obviously don't know his history, is this "new" behavior or he has a long time history of unstable mental disorders? I am assuming he must have an outpatient psychiatrist and therapist if living at home with you. Did he stop his medications and this is a decompensation? The team is right, don't accept his calls as he remains unstable with hostility directed at you. If you do accept his calls and he becomes inappropriate with you kindly tell him so and "I am going to hang up now, you are being inappropriate with me" Did you have a treatment team meeting yet? Family members and his team to discuss his treatment plan. Reach out for help, you must have heard of NAMI or see what the hospital can offer. Usually they have support groups for the loved ones who are devastated and at the end of their ropes, with their hospitalized mentally unstable loved ones. You need to help yourself to cope and accept who he is. Hard as it is. Get yourself into therapy to learn coping techniques so at age 70 YOUR life can be has happy as possible. I know the heartbreak of a mentally ill son. But protect yourself...he certainly is dangerous. He can NOT be released until he is stable and this will take time...perhaps months.
A family member, a Mom (age 80) was living with her mentally unstable son...bipolar w/personality disorders. He would spit at her, frighten her, etc. etc. Finally after his brother and sister intervened again and again to protect their mother - he was placed in a group/nursing home. He is 62 now. He caused his mother grief for years. And since his placement away from Mom & the home, refuses to take her calls & never calls her. Of course, she is destroyed by this BUT is managing to live a life NOT consumed by this son, thanks to lots of emotional support. At age 42 your son is an adult. It is UNFAIR for you to live your life with him in terror. Discuss placement with his treatment team now. See what the options can be. I know you will never stop loving him...but when you think about it - his living at home with you in such a mental state is NOT helping him. And making YOU sick. Be loving, be supportive to him. You can NOT change him. He needs mental health professionals to do this. Let them and INSIST on it - despite what your son will say! Mental illness is so very sad. A terrible loss...for the parents, family, all loved ones and, of course, the patient. BUT even with his disability he can have a better life. Help is out there for him, however, HE must help HIMSELF. No one else. You/he just need to be pointed in the right directions. Be strong, pray for him. But DO NOT ignore your own physical & emotional well being. This is a very bitter pill to swallow, to accept. But you are not alone. Reach out to other parents who are going thru the same with their adult children. Believe me, there are plenty of us!
It is literally a day at a time. And should he resist all help?...there is nothing you can do about this, you can't control him - only yourself. Please help yourself, be well and reach out to other Moms who are exactly in your shoes. The very best to you!

I order for us together our son help, we did a 5150 and stipulated he could not return to our house as we were frightened he would hurt us, himself or do damage to our house which he did.
He went through a county program for 9 months and is stable and doing well.
He does have relapses but once back on his meds, talking to his Drs he has more control.
If he can get into a program there is hope.
I’m so sorry what you’re going through. We’ve been there for the past 16 years. It is heartbreaking to see, hear, and deal with psychosis and your loved one is not the same as before his illness surfaced. Get yourself a support group. NAMI is a great resource. So is Buckelew if they have that where you live.

Gosh my heart hurts. I divorced when my three boys were 7, 10, and 14. Now 27 years later, my oldest suffers with drug addiction, my middle suffers with alcoholism, and my youngest, although shows issues dealing with anger, is a well adjusted adult with a successful job, and family. He has given me my only grand baby. The divorce wrecked my kiddos and the older two have reminded me with every negative issue they experience, that all is my fault! They didn’t ask to be born! I wrecked their family by divorce! I am a whore! I am a drunk! I am an alcoholic! I am none of these things - I am a Gulf War Veteran with PTSD from Military Sexual Trauma. I have helped myself and have undergone extensive therapy. Still do. But my heart breaks with these boys and I feel guilty. I keep going back and I keep getting the same messages from them that I am at fault. They will not accept adult responsibility for any of their actions today now 30 and 33.

I understand exactly how you feel!

I live in center of country and my 40 yr old son lives in pacific northwest. He is gay, no current partner, no kids. He has isolated himself from family and friends. I’m the only one who connects with him on regular basis. I want to keep communication open so I do try to avoid certain topics. He won’t seek mental health services. He’s had bad experiences in the past. I’m so glad we still have good relationship but of course I am concerned. I have friends who criticize me for supporting him. I am not enabling him (in my opinion) I’m just try to listen and not judge. We have gotten into arguments but they don’t last long thank goodness. I don’t support him financially. He is independently financially secure, more than me. I feel your pain. I am so sorry that you and your son do not communicate at this time. I pray that will change. I have no answers for you but I understand. I don’t know about you but I have guilt about not being a better mom to him. I became pregnant at age 17. His father has mental health problems and has been in and out of institutions. I know you and are not alone but it feels like it at times. As moms we do the best we know how. So wish I would have made different decisions but we can’t change the past. I pray for us to see our sons have improved mental health and connect with family and friends in a positive way. Thank you for letting me express my feelings.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s very frustrating and painful seeing your child suffer no matter how old. How do they NOT see we’re trying to help but only get pushed away. My adult child ( who has PTST, AS, ADHD) & I had a blow up TODAY it hurts.

Hello. I'm not a parent with a child in your situation. I'm a child that has gone through years mental health issues and I have a master's in psychology. First, your son loves you. It sounds presumptuous, but he is hurting and so he is lashing out. It doesn't mean he doesn't still love you or need you, and I'd suspect he hates that his life is causing you stress and pain.

I was a straight A student and athlete in University when I had a breakdown. I became paranoid of even the fumes coming through the vent in my dorm room. I was a residential advisor at the time, helping others adjust, while I was silently falling apart. This started after major losses in my life - divorce and death of loved ones, but in all reality, due to trauma during my childhood, I had struggled with feelings of being alone, or lonely, even with others.
Eventually, I reached out for help after a drastic attempt to take my life. It was a pressure that built up in me so great that I couldn't handle it or cope. I'm now older and looking back. The only thing that my family or friends could do to help is simply be there, listen, and try to be as understanding and supportive as possible. It may be you can't reach him through rational means and common sense conversation -- and definitely not with the old school "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" speeches. My Dad was strict, military, and mental illness was simply weakness. I've since learned that's not the case at all.
What children experience during developmental stages of brain development does impact brain structure. Trauma can permanently change the brain - abuse, verbal and physical, stress, and so many things affect brain development. Sometimes, the trouble doesn't fully present itself until later in life. It may be a type of survivability where we are impacted by trauma and can only cope with it years later as adults. Children, although people say they are resilient, are sponges and the brain wires itself to survive.
Obviously, I don't know your son's history, but if he had a difficult time as a child, tried drugs, or other unhealthy coping mechanisms, it only compounded and complicates life when we try to fit into society as "normal" functioning adults later.
I would recommend continuing to just love him and listen to him without criticism or judgement. He is probably trying to fight through an inner struggle that he may not even be able to put into words.
Also, please don't only assume that depressive or irresponsible behavior is simply something a pill will remedy. I've tried so many medications and very few helped. One thing that is good is genesight therapy. It's a test that a primary doctor can order that will let him know what medications will work the best with his genetic makeup. That way he won't feel like a test subject while cycling through ineffective options.
I was recently diagnosed with Frontotemporal Dementia. This illness presents with behavioral problems, and it can be mistaken for mental illness. I was diagnosed bipolar (among other things by therapists who just really want to put a label on behavior and send you off with a pill). It may be an MRI of his brain would be helpful to see if anything more is underlying his emotional and behavioral difficulties. A neuropsychologist might be a good option for him. Frontotemporal Dementia can start at a younger age. I'm not saying this to say that's what it is or to cause you further concern, but to let you know there can be more going on in his brain that is causing behavioral changes, and it is worth investigating.

I hope he comes around soon to you to comfort you and let you know he loves you. Please realize that depression can suck you into a completely warped and self-absorbed world where you are simply struggling to survive each day, so it becomes harder and harder to be thoughtful of the needs of others because it feels impossible to add more to the load your already carrying. I'm not sure if I should send this to you because it's not really my place, but as a child whose been through hell, I can say I never stopped loving my parents. I just hated myself, my thoughts, my struggles, my anxiety, and the paranoia. Nobody wants to live that way or be seen that way, so we withdraw. However, your love is a strength to him -- even if he doesn't show it. It's not fair; it's difficult for both of you. Just please hold on and be there for him -supportive, kind, patient, and without judgement. I'm a Christian, so I will say pray for him, don't quit on him, it's a rough road, but you can make it through in time. I hope in some way this was helpful.

@suesea Thank you for sharing your perspective. My son is bipolar and I believe he is feeling everything your saying, but has never really told us. It is hard to watch your child suffering and feel helpless and to not be able to have a conversation about what we're all feeling. Your post has been so helpful to me. thank you for sharing!

That is so scary. I agree with the person who told you not to put up with this behavior. That's dangerously abusive. No one should have to put up with that. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, and I hope you all get the help you need to live a healthy life. ❤️