Dying Well

Hi,
I'm sorry you are going through Alzheimer's. That must be hard on you. I understand your concerns. However in considering physician assisted suicide, you may be wasting your money. Only God decides who and when one dies. If it isn't your time, you won't die. That's just the way it is and always has been. I would suggest that you discuss all of this with God and ask for his guidance. Just talk to him like he's your best friend and he is! I will say a prayer for you.
I wish you the best.
PML

Although I appreciate that you have a deeply held belief, this is not the place to insist that yours is the only belief with value. I would never try to dissuade you from following your value system but would encourage you not to discount someone else's beliefs and values. Best of luck to you.

Why is it okay for there to be numerous opinions regarding assistant dying but one time someone mentions God and your feathers are ruffled. Why? It's another opinion. You call it a belief but it's an opinion to most.

This might sound strange but you might look into the services of a Death Doula. I'm working with one in Tucson. This person provides great reading and video materials along with questions that spark important discussions about death. She will also sit with people who are making the transition.

@pml @mablesmith @gravity3, this discussion is supportive and helpful. Thank you for sharing your opinions, as well as the values and beliefs that guide your choices in life and death.

Where opinions and beliefs may differ, it is important to acknowledge with respect as outlined in Mayo Clinic Connect's Community Guidelines https://connect.mayoclinic.org/blog/about-connect/tab/community-guidelines/

If you have any concerns about a post or the Community Guidelines, please contact the Moderating Team using this form: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/contact-a-community-moderator/

@cxcordon, what a great resource to add to this discussion - a death doula, also called end-of-life doula.

For anyone who isn't familiar with the term, A doula comes from the ancient Greek term and is a non-medical professional who provides guidance through a significant health-related experience. It is usually associated with pregnancy and childbirth - a birth doula. As in beginning new life, and end-of-life doula can help with the process of grief and understand the stages and process of dying.

Some of you may be interested in this Mayo Clinic podcast that explores "Sitting with the fear of death."

- What has helped you cope with death? https://connect.mayoclinic.org/blog/read-talk-grow/newsfeed-post/what-has-helped-you-cope-with-death/

@cxcordon, how did you find an end-of-life doula? How has she/he helped you face dying?

Thanks for good information!

Hi Colleen, thank you for explaining the services of the End-of-Life Doula (better than my name, Death Doula 😉
I was the caretaker for my parents and was with them as they were making their transitions. Without intending to be judgmental, I observed quite a bit of denial, fear of death and a reluctance to participate in the services available through Hospice.
I am trying to think ahead, get comfortable with the idea of death and have in place people who will help me make the transition in a peaceful, loving way. This is particularly important to me as I was an only child, do not have children or relatives who live nearby. My husband is a few years older than me and it's likely I will end up alone. Rather than engage in a pity party, I decided to be proactive and met with the End-of-Life Doula on the recommendation of a friend.
My husband and I have meet with her about five times to discuss the various aspects of death, from the practical (Medical Power of Attorney, etc.) to the spiritual. It can be a little unsettling to really contemplate one's death but I believe familiarity and accepance are the key. Having gone through this exercise, I feel much more "in control" in terms of knowing that I will have some kind people by my side to help me when it is my time.

Here is the information about the woman my husband and I are working with.
Billie Jo Vonhoff
Conscious Acts of Love
End-of-Life Doula and Coaching Services
Full Spectrum, Holistic End-of-Life Doula, Educator & Grief Tender
http://www.consciousactsoflove.com
971-404-4229
Billie Jo may know people who do similar work up in the Phoenix Scottsdale area. She may also be wiling to talk on the phone. Best wishes to all the folks on this thread. I understand the loneliness and hopefully we can all find the resources to help mitigate the sense that we are all alone.

There's a lot to unpack in your note, which is deeply heartfelt, so I'm just going to mention a few things.

I have a deep family history of dementia and have been seeing signs of early memory loss myself (heard a terrific talk the other day by a physician who specializes in this problem and is on the cutting edge -- he pointed out that these days, he uses people's self-awareness and the insights of their families as his primary pre-screen for stage 0/1 of dementia, because it's the most reliable very early indicator of someone who has more than just normal age-related cognitive issues of skipped stitches). Until recently, I was exactly where you are in my beliefs.

Now, however, I'm aware that a loss of interest in eating and drinking is normal toward the end, and the primary problem is that medical professionals and caregivers keep trying to override that loss of interest because it feels so cruel, as you put it. In fact, if your body is naturally shutting down, it works if you just let it. This requires, of course, being emphatic with everyone involved about your desires.

Also, we're not likely to solve the assisted dying issue for people with dementia any time soon. The big moral/ethical question is this: Right now, I am comfortable saying that I would like this choice to kick in when a medical professional or two rules that I am in stage X of dementia. But let's say that when I hit stage X, I no longer want to die. Which "me" should rule in that case? The original "me", or the "me" at that time? That's a problem that honestly has me stumped, although I'm working on it.

Secondarily, we are, as a society, not unreasonably tangled up about the whole "suicide" issue, and this isn't going to get fully untangled any time soon. Setting aside the religious and faith-based aspects of the question (and you can't really set those aside, of course, because they contribute to the norms we are talking about), we're stuck on the mental health aspects, including the fact that a reasonable fraction (I haven't looked for the actual statistics) of people who try and fail to commit suicide don't try again. Also, society generally considers that if you have tried (and succeeded or failed), it's a sign of a treatable mental health condition, and it's a slippery slope to facilitate suicide rather than treating the mental health problem if that's what's going on. If you have an untreatable "mental health problem", or if you have tried to treat it and have been unsuccessful, should society acquiesce and facilitate your suicide? It's a huge open question that we're not going to wrestle to the ground any time soon. And dementia "feels" like a mental health problem at a gut level, which I suspect may be part of the problem with end-of-life solutions for it.

The bigger issue, of course, is that medicine is moving too fast for our norms to catch up. As a result, too many of us spend too many years with a poor QUALITY of life, because Western medicine is mostly about QUANTITY of life today. Which is easy to say in the abstract, and really hard and frustrating to deal with when it comes to being one of the people it is happening to.

I know this is not terribly helpful, but it's what I have to contribute. We live in the world we live in, and need to take it into account when exploring solutions.

I don't think anyone here has mentioned "death cafes", which is something you might want to check out. I have a friend who has been attending one on a semi-regular basis, and it has been helping.