I hate what I've become

I'm already taking prescription meds for pain, including lorazepam and gabapentin. I also take prescription strength Alleve when I'm having a really bad day with my arthritis.
Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong to screw up our possible retirement future as badly as I've done. I worked my ass off to support my family, I always had at least 1 job. In my entire working career, I never collected a penny of unemployment in 35 years. Before we relocated from southern California to Washington state in 1994, I had a full time job and 2 part time jobs just to make ends meet.
When I "retired" in 2015, I was working 4 ten hour shifts, but in reality I was gone for almost 14 hours every work day. I got up at 4:30 am, left the house before 5:00, and didn't get home before 6:00 pm most of the time. I worked this kind of schedule for almost 17 years before my body started breaking down.

I know that you've had to battle with addiction, which just makes things even harder, and like you said, "one day at a time". I've never considered myself to be "normal" by whatever standard most people consider that to be. Besides being the only Atheist in my family, I'm also the only metal head, along with being a fan of horror films and literature. But I've also never consumed alcohol, smoked, or used any illegal drugs of any kind. According to our son, I'm a walking conundrum, based on the way I present myself in public. You'd think, at least I think this way, that my wife and I would be able to have a stable, normal retirement in out last years, but nope, I screwed that up.
I have no idea what our future is going to look like.

Reading your post was powerful. I got sick 3 years ago. I used to run every morning, worked two jobs and was finally sober after 35 years of active alcohol and drug use. I am 54 years old and when I got sober, I finally had a different kind of life. Since that time, I lost my father, both jobs, my mother has dementia, my sibling has mental health issues (lives with and takes care of my mom and their relationship is volatile), found my boyfriend of 25 years, dead in our house (that I had to move out of because he was still drinking alcoholically) on the floor a week before Christmas in 2023 and many other things. I was turned down for SSDI and before I got sick, I started working on a Masters of Social Work degree online. I have been living off student loans, finally moved back into the house and still sober. I try to live in the day. All I really have is right now. I do not know what the future holds. I do know that if I ruminate about the past and the future, I spiral and spin out inside my head. That does me no good. I have to bring myself back into the present. For all I know an asteroid could hit the planet and blow us all away in an instant and none of the fear of the future matters. My doctor (shrink) put me on Cymbalta due to my hopeless feelings when I was first waking up in the morning. It has helped and I believe it helps with some of my pain as well. I would suggest asking your primary care doctor or even a shrink (if you see one) about Buprenorphine with Naloxone (Suboxone). It is used to help addicts come off of opiates, and the Naloxone prevents opiate use and both help with cravings. I took it years ago when I was addicted to opiates. I found that I did not crave them and I also know that it helped with pain. Some states will use it for pain. Anyway, that is just a suggestion for pain management.

Another thing that helps me is to know that at this moment, I am not homeless, have food, clothes, people that care about me, a car, heat, air and remember that things can always be worse. I can not worry about my student loans and the money I owe. In AA, the slogan, "One day at a time," has saved me many times. That is all I have, truly. Hang in there and thank you for the post.