I hate what I've become

I'm already taking prescription meds for pain, including lorazepam and gabapentin. I also take prescription strength Alleve when I'm having a really bad day with my arthritis.
Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong to screw up our possible retirement future as badly as I've done. I worked my ass off to support my family, I always had at least 1 job. In my entire working career, I never collected a penny of unemployment in 35 years. Before we relocated from southern California to Washington state in 1994, I had a full time job and 2 part time jobs just to make ends meet.
When I "retired" in 2015, I was working 4 ten hour shifts, but in reality I was gone for almost 14 hours every work day. I got up at 4:30 am, left the house before 5:00, and didn't get home before 6:00 pm most of the time. I worked this kind of schedule for almost 17 years before my body started breaking down.

I know that you've had to battle with addiction, which just makes things even harder, and like you said, "one day at a time". I've never considered myself to be "normal" by whatever standard most people consider that to be. Besides being the only Atheist in my family, I'm also the only metal head, along with being a fan of horror films and literature. But I've also never consumed alcohol, smoked, or used any illegal drugs of any kind. According to our son, I'm a walking conundrum, based on the way I present myself in public. You'd think, at least I think this way, that my wife and I would be able to have a stable, normal retirement in out last years, but nope, I screwed that up.
I have no idea what our future is going to look like.

Reading your post was powerful. I got sick 3 years ago. I used to run every morning, worked two jobs and was finally sober after 35 years of active alcohol and drug use. I am 54 years old and when I got sober, I finally had a different kind of life. Since that time, I lost my father, both jobs, my mother has dementia, my sibling has mental health issues (lives with and takes care of my mom and their relationship is volatile), found my boyfriend of 25 years, dead in our house (that I had to move out of because he was still drinking alcoholically) on the floor a week before Christmas in 2023 and many other things. I was turned down for SSDI and before I got sick, I started working on a Masters of Social Work degree online. I have been living off student loans, finally moved back into the house and still sober. I try to live in the day. All I really have is right now. I do not know what the future holds. I do know that if I ruminate about the past and the future, I spiral and spin out inside my head. That does me no good. I have to bring myself back into the present. For all I know an asteroid could hit the planet and blow us all away in an instant and none of the fear of the future matters. My doctor (shrink) put me on Cymbalta due to my hopeless feelings when I was first waking up in the morning. It has helped and I believe it helps with some of my pain as well. I would suggest asking your primary care doctor or even a shrink (if you see one) about Buprenorphine with Naloxone (Suboxone). It is used to help addicts come off of opiates, and the Naloxone prevents opiate use and both help with cravings. I took it years ago when I was addicted to opiates. I found that I did not crave them and I also know that it helped with pain. Some states will use it for pain. Anyway, that is just a suggestion for pain management.

Another thing that helps me is to know that at this moment, I am not homeless, have food, clothes, people that care about me, a car, heat, air and remember that things can always be worse. I can not worry about my student loans and the money I owe. In AA, the slogan, "One day at a time," has saved me many times. That is all I have, truly. Hang in there and thank you for the post.

Reading your post was powerful. I got sick 3 years ago. I used to run every morning, worked two jobs and was finally sober after 35 years of active alcohol and drug use. I am 54 years old and when I got sober, I finally had a different kind of life. Since that time, I lost my father, both jobs, my mother has dementia, my sibling has mental health issues (lives with and takes care of my mom and their relationship is volatile), found my boyfriend of 25 years, dead in our house (that I had to move out of because he was still drinking alcoholically) on the floor a week before Christmas in 2023 and many other things. I was turned down for SSDI and before I got sick, I started working on a Masters of Social Work degree online. I have been living off student loans, finally moved back into the house and still sober. I try to live in the day. All I really have is right now. I do not know what the future holds. I do know that if I ruminate about the past and the future, I spiral and spin out inside my head. That does me no good. I have to bring myself back into the present. For all I know an asteroid could hit the planet and blow us all away in an instant and none of the fear of the future matters. My doctor (shrink) put me on Cymbalta due to my hopeless feelings when I was first waking up in the morning. It has helped and I believe it helps with some of my pain as well. I would suggest asking your primary care doctor or even a shrink (if you see one) about Buprenorphine with Naloxone (Suboxone). It is used to help addicts come off of opiates, and the Naloxone prevents opiate use and both help with cravings. I took it years ago when I was addicted to opiates. I found that I did not crave them and I also know that it helped with pain. Some states will use it for pain. Anyway, that is just a suggestion for pain management.

Another thing that helps me is to know that at this moment, I am not homeless, have food, clothes, people that care about me, a car, heat, air and remember that things can always be worse. I can not worry about my student loans and the money I owe. In AA, the slogan, "One day at a time," has saved me many times. That is all I have, truly. Hang in there and thank you for the post.

Thank you for your response, I've been taking 2 anti depressants for several years now, and have had counseling as well to help me deal with the situation as well. At one point I was extremely suicidal and needed help, luckily my wife and family were there to help.
Most days I feel like I'm 86, not 66 years old. My body began to break down at the age of 56, and I couldn't do my job any longer. My wife and kids kept telling me that I needed to retire and just walk away from my job after being there for almost 17 years, but I refused to do it.
It basically took an intervention with my wife, our son and daughter, and their spouses in our garage to convince me that I couldn't do it any more. This meant having to sell our home so we wouldn't lose it, and we had to move in with our son and his family until we could afford to rent a place of our own, which took 2 years.
I will always consider myself a failure for letting this happen to me. I'm supposed to work to support my family, not sit in the house every day, and continue to work until our house would have been paid off. But it didn't happen.
Now, my wife and I are the "poor" part of our family, we struggle to pay the rent and our bills every month. The one thing that every parent wants for their own kids is for them to be better off than they were as adults, and both of our kids have definitely done so.
Our son and our son in law started an IT company almost 20 years ago, and they have done very well. So well in fact, that our son sold his part of the company back to the other investors and walked away with a nice pay day. He just got burned out by the hours it required. Now he's working closer to home doing 2 jobs that he's wanted to do and is doing very well.
Our son in law runs the business now, and it continues to grow and be more successful, so our daughter is able to be a stay at home mom, a rare thing nowadays. They go to Hawaii at least once a year, Arizona a couple of times a year(all during our PNW winters), they just got back from Louisiana to visit family, and this Summer, they're taking the kids to DC.
The last time my wife and I were able to take any kind of a vacation of our own was in 2019, and it was a 4 hour driving trip to the Long Beach Peninsula/Oregon Coast.
After my older sister died in 2020, my youngest sister decided she was done with the PNW, and ended up moving to Bluffton, SC. a couple of years ago. My other sister and her husband sold their house South of us and bought one just a few minutes West of our place. Then they went to SC and bought a second house on the East coast very close to my youngest sister. It must be nice to have the fucking money to buy 2 houses when we can barely pay our rent most of the time.
Everyone in my family is moving forward and taking trips, and talking about future vacations when we have family gatherings, and all I can do is sit there and not say anything because we have zero chance of doing anything that they're talking about. We're supposed to be happy and excited for them according to my wife, but all it does is reinforce my belief in how badly I fucked up our future when I walked away from my job 10 years ago.
When our lease is over in 2 years, we have no idea where we'll end up living, probably in some shit hole apartment complex without a garage or any storage, or any kind of a yard/garden for my wife, all thanks to me.
I hate everything about our situation, but there isn't anything that's going to change it is there? And please don't bring god into this, the last thing I need or want is an imaginary friend, I'm a life long Atheist.

My friend let me tell you something you are not a failure you are a human being!!! You are a god given gift to this life.

@mrmacabre
I hear you about vacations. My son and I haven’t taken one since 2017. I also understand how it feels to not want to live anymore. Depression can rob your joy and identity. I am so glad to be out of that dark hole I was in for over a year.

My father is from the PNW and an atheist. He and his brothers moved to southern CA/Arizona. His sister from Alaska also moved to AZ. I wish I could say my father’s atheist existence made him happy but he has a family history of major depression, generational abuse/neglect, suicide attempts, foster homes, etc. He was always very frugal and often seemed miserable and angry. He wanted to control everything and everyone.

My mom took me to church growing up which planted the seeds of my faith. You may think the living God, intelligent designer/creator and savior is imaginary. He definitely is not. You just may not know Him. We each need to have an open heart and mind to be able to hear the Holy Spirit to be saved. Not everyone will be saved or have a relationship with God. It is free will and a choice. No one can force God on anyone.

I choose to have faith in God who gives me daily hope. I am at peace despite my disability and abusive/neglectful childhood and have been majorly blessed in my life. My home has been paid off and I started to invest in my 20s when I started my first corporate job. I would never be able to afford everything today on my SSDI alone. I am glad I was in a good place financially before becoming disabled. I never thought I would be disabled and not able to work into my 60s. God has helped me make good financial choices and blessed me with a child after years of infertility while married. I always lived below my means and have no debt. This has helped me be able to send my teen son to private school. God has been good to me and I am very thankful. He deserves all the glory. He has prepared me for where I am right now.

You are still valued and loved by God even if you don’t acknowledge Him. Happy Easter! 🙂

I have a long history of battling alcohol and drug addiction (although alcohol is what brought me to my knees). Treatment at 14, relapse, treatment at 19, relapse and then treatment at 30, relapse and again in 2011. So, my last relapse was 7 years long. I was an everyday liquor drinker, have been on antidepressants, seen therapist, psychologists for most of my life. At 47, I was living with my boyfriend of 22 years, (also an alcoholic, but more of a functional one), I had been put on a medication for opioid addiction and decided 11/5/17 that I was tired of being on that med. I had tapered myself down as much as I thought was ok to stop taking it. I stopped, cold turkey and I was really, really sick for weeks. The only thing that helped was the liquor. I ended up going to Florida, solo the week of December 7, 2017. I drank so much vodka, that I was drunk 24/7 that whole week. I had had enough treatment and A.A. that something inside me knew that I was going to die if I didn't stop. I just couldn't stop. I went to my primary care doctor and bless him, he medically detoxed me with valium and phenobarbital to prevent seizures. I went to A.A. on 12/16/17, picked up a 24 hour surrender chip and have not had a drink since. I went to meetings daily, sometimes twice a day and surrounded myself with other recovering people. I believe in a higher power of my understanding and know that power has also helped (it is within me). I found my boyfriend deceased in our house 12/18/23 from alcoholism. He could not stop and it killed him. I could not make him stop, although I tried my best. That is the most brutal experience and grief I have ever had. He just couldn't stop. The fact that I did not drink and have not had a drink during the last several years is a miracle. With the Long COVID, his death and other personal issues, I have not had to take a drink. I had to stop drinking for myself. I tried for my parents and others and it never worked. I had to make the decision that I wanted to change my life. There are other ways people get sober. Also, people do not have to stay drunk as long as I did. It takes what it takes. It is positive that you have a good relationship with your son. I do not know if he has been in an AA meeting or if he wants to get sober, but he has to want to not drink. I have to take things a day at a time. Today is a new day and I do not want to drink today. I can do that for one day and one day is all we have. I hope he decides to stop. I am assuming he is taking a benzodiazepine for anxiety? I see a therapist, for trauma, as well. Your son is young, however, I know many people that get sober young. I know a man who got sober at 19. He is now 56. A lot of people think AA is religious, but it is not. It is a spiritual program. Maybe get the book and for yourself, look at al-anon meetings or if not comfortable, look at their literature. You need to remain sane as well 🙂

I got sober in my 40s. It was the best decision I ever made. I went into treatment and then AA meetings for twenty years. I had to hit bottom and felt as if I was at a crossroad, one way going up and the other going down which meant losing everything. I am now 79 with many good years behind me. I have sponsored people and helped them which was very satisfying. I chose life. I wish you well.