1. < Caregivers: Dementia

Stubborness & Resistance to Help

Posted by ret2tus @ret2tus, 6 days ago

My husband has always been a stubborn man. With Alzheimer's, he's gotten worse even though he knows he should be doing some things for his own good. For example, his memory is bad enough that he can't remember his address or my phone number--bad news if he should fall, get lost, or confused even more. I bought him an ID bracelet that, ideally, he should wear 24/7. But he doesn't want to wear it at night or in the shower. OK, but he supposedly has agreed to wear it at all other times. Once again this morning, he went out to walk the dog, was gone for a half hour, and came home not wearing it. Not surprisingly, I was exasperated and said he had promised to wear it. He began making excuses, so I raised my voice and got angry. Then, per usual, he said I didn't have any right to get angry and basically put the blame back on my shoulders because I wasn't his boss. He'll probably come to me later today and apologize and say he'll try to wear the ID bracelet. But I'm sure it will happen again because, basically, he doesn't want to. This is the same type of behavior that occurs with some other activities. Should I just give up, even though this is a safety issue?

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ret2tus | @ret2tus | 5 days ago
In reply to @dlydailyhope "@ret2tus Does he take it off because he is embarrassed to wear it or in denial..." + (show)
@dlydailyhope

@ret2tus
Does he take it off because he is embarrassed to wear it or in denial of his diagnosis or both?

Alzheimer’s and stubbornness is a terrible combination. My mother in law had this combination (had early onset) before she passed. It was really hard to deal with (she wouldn’t take her medication and would hide it in the couch, wandered and got lost, would forget to turn things off like the stove, said she didn’t have Alzheimer’s and was 24 years old when she was over 80). It is very stressful for caregivers so I feel for you. I have to deal with this with my teen son’s father (60) who is my ex but he has no one in his life that will be there to help him and my son is too young to deal with it.

Have you thought of somehow putting/hiding things in your husband’s clothing, jackets, shoes, hats, wallet, dog leash, etc. that has information if he gets lost/found (tag with phone number/name/address)? An Apple Air Tag on key chain or in shoes/pockets?

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I just think he doesn't want to wear it. We don't have iPhones, but I think a Tile is similar to an Apple Air Tag. I use Tile to locate lost luggage on trips or to find my wallet. So I could maybe slip one on his key chain or in his shoe.

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ret2tus | @ret2tus | 5 days ago
In reply to @pamela78 "I have an appointment with our lawyer to go over our documents and make sure everything..." + (show)
@pamela78

I have an appointment with our lawyer to go over our documents and make sure everything is as it should be. I want to remove my husband from being my POA and I understand I don't have to tell him about that. It's entirely up to me. I don't like to be duplicitous, but I'm planning to visit the lawyer without telling my husband. Is this fair? He hasn't accepted that he has Alzheimer's and thinks he's just the way he's always been. He isn't, though he can still do lots of things. I'm also going to get a financial advisor, again without telling him. I feel bad about this but I don't know what else to do. Thoughts?

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If you have a trust, our estate attorney suggested it would be a good idea to have my husband, who does accept the fact that he has Alzheimer's, resign as a trustee. Otherwise, one has to go to court to do that. I would talk to your lawyer first before hiring a financial advisor. This is especially true for you since your husband hasn't accepted the fact he has Alzheimer's.

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steilacoomcaregiver | @steilacoomcaregiver | 4 days ago
In reply to @dlydailyhope "@ret2tus Does he take it off because he is embarrassed to wear it or in denial..." + (show)
@dlydailyhope

@ret2tus
Does he take it off because he is embarrassed to wear it or in denial of his diagnosis or both?

Alzheimer’s and stubbornness is a terrible combination. My mother in law had this combination (had early onset) before she passed. It was really hard to deal with (she wouldn’t take her medication and would hide it in the couch, wandered and got lost, would forget to turn things off like the stove, said she didn’t have Alzheimer’s and was 24 years old when she was over 80). It is very stressful for caregivers so I feel for you. I have to deal with this with my teen son’s father (60) who is my ex but he has no one in his life that will be there to help him and my son is too young to deal with it.

Have you thought of somehow putting/hiding things in your husband’s clothing, jackets, shoes, hats, wallet, dog leash, etc. that has information if he gets lost/found (tag with phone number/name/address)? An Apple Air Tag on key chain or in shoes/pockets?

Jump to this post

I have placed a "Tile" tracker in wallet and on keys. It is searchable by both my phone and his. Used almost daily to locate things. The wallet tracker is just like another credit card. Key tracker is a fob. Phone tracker is an app.

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maryvc | @maryvc | 4 days ago
In reply to @maryvc "I bought my husband an air tag necklace. He wears it all the time. I also..." + (show)
@maryvc

I bought my husband an air tag necklace. He wears it all the time. I also tell him to take his poke but he is losing his ability to use it and lately he has lo it. I also use Find My for his phone, his wallet etc. E does not drive anymore but does go out and walk.
Also I agree the arguing. Goes nowhere but occasionally I’ve cried and yelled and it is like a lightbulb went off and has led to cuddling and a good discussion.
Can’t put this disease in a box. Hugs to you. This is hard

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I meant his phone not poke. He does not mind wearing the necklace but I was in a shop with him and a woman commented to her friend “ he has an AirPod on his neck.” I looked at her and told her he has cognitive impairment. 😉

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jbur | @jbur | 4 days ago
In reply to @dlydailyhope "@ret2tus Does he take it off because he is embarrassed to wear it or in denial..." + (show)
@dlydailyhope

@ret2tus
Does he take it off because he is embarrassed to wear it or in denial of his diagnosis or both?

Alzheimer’s and stubbornness is a terrible combination. My mother in law had this combination (had early onset) before she passed. It was really hard to deal with (she wouldn’t take her medication and would hide it in the couch, wandered and got lost, would forget to turn things off like the stove, said she didn’t have Alzheimer’s and was 24 years old when she was over 80). It is very stressful for caregivers so I feel for you. I have to deal with this with my teen son’s father (60) who is my ex but he has no one in his life that will be there to help him and my son is too young to deal with it.

Have you thought of somehow putting/hiding things in your husband’s clothing, jackets, shoes, hats, wallet, dog leash, etc. that has information if he gets lost/found (tag with phone number/name/address)? An Apple Air Tag on key chain or in shoes/pockets?

Jump to this post

Amazon also has an ID tag that you can slip onto a watch band if he still wears a watch.

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teacher502 | @teacher502 | 4 days ago
In reply to @ret2tus "My daughter suggested this when she was visiting, but she has an iPhone and my husband..." + (show)
@ret2tus

My daughter suggested this when she was visiting, but she has an iPhone and my husband and I have Samsung Galaxies (and his is an older model that he doesn't want to upgrade). Is there an Android app that would work in a similar fashion for our phones?

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Life 360 worked great on our androids and his phone is an older model. However, that has all changed as he can no longer be left alone anywhere - not even in the house - but we have progressed where safety is more important than independence. Life 360 has a free app but we purchased an upgrade that was faster and had better tracking for about $10 a month. Good luck and God bless! This is the most difficult, heart wrenching journey and it takes a toll on everyone that is willing to be there for someone with dementia. Enjoy the good days and fully prepare with knowledge for the difficult ones that are coming.

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pamela78 | @pamela78 | 4 days ago
In reply to @wascaly "I absolutely feel your pain. My husband’s memory loss/Altzheimers is so bad he cannot remember from..." + (show)
@wascaly

I absolutely feel your pain. My husband’s memory loss/Altzheimers is so bad he cannot remember from 5 minutes ago. He, too, is stubborn - so much so he denies there’s anything wrong with him!
I pray constantly for patience. So far, not much has been forthcoming. I get so angry that all this has happened to topple our world….i just can’t tell you.
I also have health challenges, which also stresses me to the max.
Everyone keeps “cheering me up” (sarcasm) by reminding me he’ll gonna get worse. At times, I just want to get on a Greyhound and head to parts unknown. I know I sound selfish and heartless, but I’m not seeing a light at the end of my tunnel.
I won’t stop praying and I urge you to do the same. Between the two of us, the Lord will surely hear us!
God bless you and all us (reluctant) caretakers!

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I understand your anger. I feel it too, and I have a friend whose husband is very difficult and hard to manage. She, too, has lots of health issues and is over 80. I'll soon be 80 and have an ascending aortic aneurysm, so, yeah, lots of anxiety. I wouldn't get so angry if my husband were the least bit compliant but, no, there's nothing wrong with him. He blames the doctors for his diagnosis and doesn't understand that he won't always be able to do the things he does now. Yes, I get angry. I want to take care of him and make his life as comfortable and pleasant as possible but it's like trying to hang wallpaper with one hand tied behind my back. No one who hasn't been in this situation really understands the immensity of it. It's not just a visit for a couple of hours or a weekend but constant tribulation 24/7 and, yes, it's only going to get worse. I want to scream at the universe. I'm glad you have your faith. I don't. No one is listening and no one can help. We're on our own here. It's hard to have a partner who isn't a partner anymore and who wants everything to be the same as it always was. This too shall pass?

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1 reply
deniseheart | @deniseheart | 4 days ago

We had to place my mother in assisted living due to her acute stubbornness. She insisted on living alone and refused any and all suggestions for assistance and medical help. ie, cleaning service, visiting nurse, aids for personal care and on and on. Stubbornness to the point in resulting in self harm is a horrible thing to watch. Now she is supervised but still has her privacy. Your husband is very lucky to have you close.

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1 reply
pamela78 | @pamela78 | 3 days ago
In reply to @deniseheart "We had to place my mother in assisted living due to her acute stubbornness. She insisted..." + (show)
@deniseheart

We had to place my mother in assisted living due to her acute stubbornness. She insisted on living alone and refused any and all suggestions for assistance and medical help. ie, cleaning service, visiting nurse, aids for personal care and on and on. Stubbornness to the point in resulting in self harm is a horrible thing to watch. Now she is supervised but still has her privacy. Your husband is very lucky to have you close.

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I'm trying to get my husband to agree to moving his bed downstairs so he wouldn't have to go up and down the stairs every night. I also want to get a wash-and-fold laundry service so he wouldn't have to go up and down the basement stairs to get to the washer and dryer. He refuses to make any of these changes and said he'd find another place to live. I said, You'd rather move out than move some furniture? He's always been stubborn and in many ways he's still completely himself, but any little change is like putting up a wall that he won't break through or climb over. I've started taking on more and more without discussion, but some things need his cooperation. In general, he's very helpful and sweet, so I realize I'm luckier than many of us in this group are.

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1 reply
ret2tus | @ret2tus | 2 days ago
In reply to @pamela78 "I'm trying to get my husband to agree to moving his bed downstairs so he wouldn't..." + (show)
@pamela78

I'm trying to get my husband to agree to moving his bed downstairs so he wouldn't have to go up and down the stairs every night. I also want to get a wash-and-fold laundry service so he wouldn't have to go up and down the basement stairs to get to the washer and dryer. He refuses to make any of these changes and said he'd find another place to live. I said, You'd rather move out than move some furniture? He's always been stubborn and in many ways he's still completely himself, but any little change is like putting up a wall that he won't break through or climb over. I've started taking on more and more without discussion, but some things need his cooperation. In general, he's very helpful and sweet, so I realize I'm luckier than many of us in this group are.

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Maybe give in about the laundry service or add that to your growing list of chores. But if I were you, I'd hire someone to move the bed downstairs if you can arrange it for a time when he is out of the house. He'd have to adjust pretty quickly or end up sleeping on the floor!

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