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The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business
I titled this discussion with tongue-in-cheek, but only part way. As this caregivers discussion group has begun I have been struck by the number of times the word 'guilt' is used by us caregivers. It is unfortunate, understandable, unnecessary, and, to me, more often than not, unwarranted!
I believe 99% of our guilt is so unwarranted we caregivers need a place to get rid of it. This gave me an idea....
So here is our Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster! Feel free to check in, and make a deposit anytime you want! The dumpster is big, it has no weight limit, 24/7/365 availability (since we as caregivers often live on that same 24/7/365 schedule), no fees, and the lid is now open! 🙂
I'll start.
More often than not, I believe a person is thrust into a caregiving role. It seems to just happen and we answer the call for some variety of reasons. Those who adopt the nickname of 'caregiver' obviously have accepted our call.
As we each know, caregiving comes with no employee handbook, no job description, no timesheet to clock in and out, and an awfully slim benefits package. I likened my initial feelings as a caregiver to those I had the first time I jumped into the deep end of a swimming pool. In over my head and trying my best to just not drown.
In the 14 years I was my wife's primary caregiver I had loads and loads of feelings of guilt. Heck, sometimes I would feel guilt before I even did something because I was unsure of my ability to do what she needed. But, thankfully, we always seemed to manage. Not always the smoothest of managing, but we did get to say 'mission accomplished'.
Yes, the 'mission' at hand would get accomplished and sometimes I would be repaid with a smile and sometimes with a snarl. While the 'mission' got done -- however my feelings of guilt often did not end. To fight the guilt, I finally began to use a mantra/image to help me through the guilt. Before I would start, I'd close my eyes for a brief moment. When I would reopen them I would say to myself "Well, Scott, no one appeared in this room to take my place for this task, so all I can do is give it my best."
This did help. I still had some, but at least less, of the guilt. My reality now is too much of those feelings of guilt still nag at me and hang on my shoulders like a weight. So I leave it here. Now. Today. In the guilt dumpster!
Feel free to have at it!
Peace and strength to all caregivers!
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Mine is similar; he did the laundry, garbage, dishes, filled coffee, some housekeeping and napkins, showers, dressed himself, looked after the garden and did most of the cooking until about a week ago. He no longer does the coffee, and there is almost no cooking or housekeeping, so I am waiting for the next shoe to drop. I have stenosis and a lung condition, so it is difficult for me to take over the tasks. We do have volunteer organisations and our government health organisation that will help. I do know it is a progression ...
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5 ReactionsYou never know what the next day will bring? We just have to take a deep breath, not disagree or have an opinion. Sometimes I think I am going mad that I will eventually believe what he is saying and not what I believe is right?
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5 ReactionsWell, today, I believed him when he said that my appointment today was at three. I did not check and was a day early for my appointment. He got the time right!
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2 ReactionsYesterday, we had a reasonable quiet day until my asthma turned bad, trip to urgent care steroid shot, treatment then for x ray and to Costco for prescription. No pneumonia thanks goodness. On heavy steroids 😁 we did stop and get lunch to go though 😂 This morning as I am having a coughing attack m6 husband said you should go to the doctors.. Bless him. By the way I don’t tell an6one else this what would be the point? Thanks for listening. Have a good day.
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3 Reactions@strongsurvivor, like @royce said, you are not alone in sharing these feelings of guilt. It's easy now to cast blame on yourself and ask why you couldn't be more patient, have taken more time, etc. But the now is not what your reality was while you were actively caring for your husband that this dreadful disease had dramatically changed.
It's impossible to be patient 24/7 when the behaviors and stresses were constant, your sleep was likely irregular, and you able to do little if anything for your own health and self care.
Remember your husband as he was, the fun times, the things that bring a smile to your face (even with some tears), but without guilt. Imagine that you are your best friend right now. What support, kindness and forgiveness would you give to your friend who might be in your shoes? Would you want them to feel guilty?
Be kind to yourself.
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3 ReactionsI am dumping again. I am so tired and drained at times because of my spouses Parkinsons. I only get to sleep at night. Usually 6 hrs. I feel like I am losing him in slow time. He is doing his best and so am I. I am pretty sure he does not realize how much I give and how little he appreciates it. Honey , I need this or that. Day by day. I don't want to feel this way..but he is always needing something. I try to be gracious..but not always successful. Life goes on just like time. In the back of my mind I wonder will he be here tomorrow? Tears flow and than he calls out for me..Just another day and another problem with this or that. Hugs to all on this site.
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7 ReactionsI am a care partner with all the expectable feelings (love, tenderness, anger, closeness, distance, exasperation, coldness, warmth, affection, alienation, faith, despair, self-pity, hope, disillusionment, fear, exhaustion, etc). I am about through feeling guilty & thinking I should feel some other way than the way I do or should act in a more constructive manner. Most important to take care of self, striving for acceptance of what can't be changed, taking steps to change what can be. I try not to act out but put my feelings to positive use, and don't criticize myself when I'm not my better self but rather redirect my activities to change my experience in the moment. Sometimes I just start laughing at the ridiculousness of it all, & that helps.
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7 ReactionsI was self centered yesterday and pushed my wife to do what I wanted even though she was clearly tired and needed her nap. She became angry and upset needlessly because of me.
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6 ReactionsThank you for calling attention to the thing that is driving me crazy lately. Every minute, he seems to need something (a pencil, a phone number, a paper towel... one thing after another. I barely sit down and he needs "one more thing". I'm worn down today because our Tuesday/Friday caregiver wasn't here this week so I haven't had a break. I try to be gracious and kind but I know i sometimes fail. Doing our best is all we can do. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
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6 ReactionsAmen!
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3 Reactions