Caregiving: Anyone else doing this alone?

I am the sole caregiver for my husband who is dying from stage 4 terminal lung cancer and advanced COPD. We have hospice coming in, but they only come in twice a week, take his vitals, ask how he is doing, then they leave. They do take care of all of his meds. But my husband is also an addict. When he runs out of his pain meds and his xanax, he goes into panic attacks. The only reason he runs out is because he takes more than prescribed for a day. Yesterday was horrible. He was sobbing, shaking and then began screaming at me. He had me in tears and I did not know what to do so I gave him 3 of my xanax. He kept saying that he felt like killing himself. I did call a priest to come give him his last rites. His family is catholic but not practicing. He hasn't been in a church since he was probably 11 years old. But if I mention my minister he goes into a rage that he will only talk to a priest. After he screamed at me yesterday to get out of the room and take my God crap with me, I did. I will never mention God to him again unless he asks. Of course I will continue to pray for him. Then here comes this priest and tells him that evolution was real and that we evolved from animals. Sorry, I don't believe that for a second. But everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. OK, enough of that. But his sister lives in Pittsburgh and that is about an hour away from us and the traffic is horrible down in pittsburgh. So, they don't offer help. He wouldn't let them if they did. His other sister lives out of state. He does not want anyone coming to sit with him or help him bathe or anything. He hasn't showered in over a month and he won't let me help him either. He can be such a rude person and stubborn to the point where no one wants to help. I found out that he was very rude the last time one of the hospice nurses came and he was screaming at her. He, of course, did not tell me any of that. I will be home today when she comes. They don't deserve that kind of treatment. They have a hard job to do and thank God they are willing to do this kind of work. So, YES, it is hard to be the sole caregiver. Prayers for you.

@denise96 Oh my goodness 😱What a totally dreadful situation. I feel sorry for your husband’s terminal illness and pain, but even sorrier for what you’re going through. It’s truly amazing how good you are to your husband, despite everything. You don’t say what he used to be like as that might be what’s helping you to put up with all this unbearable abuse.

My mother died from small cell lung cancer nearly 20 years ago and what a totally different experience we had. I cannot begin to imagine how my sister and I would have coped (my brother took off on Mum’s diagnosis and didn’t cope) but at least we did have each other and my father to support each other.

Mum like your husband wanted to stay at home and was fortunate her wish came true to pass in her own bed.

Mum was also very mindful of our feelings and we had to convince her she wasn’t a burden and that it was an honour to look after her. We also had to persuade her to take her pain meds as she didn’t want to take them. She chose to bear a certain amount of pain. She had always been incredibly stoic with any health issues (not many over the years but included sporadic back pain from a horse riding accident, tick fever, a hysterectomy, a broken arm and flu) and would soldier on.

I wonder what causes such a big difference in similar circumstances.

Presumably your husband would refuse to see a therapist to help his mental state? Being high might submerge the pain, but it doesn’t deal with the fear and anger.

I wonder whether cbd gummies would help if legal where you live? Unfortunately there were no such thing when my mother was dying.

I am currently in remission from stage 4 appendix cancer after extensive treatment. Mum was my inspiration during treatment.

I also hope and pray I’m more like my mother when the cancer comes back (it’s not curable) and when treatment stops working and I get a terminal diagnosis.

Given everything - including his addiction and abusive behaviour - I can’t help wondering whether the kindest thing for everyone is to put him into hospice 🥺💔🙏

Sending you both hugs and prayers 🙏❤️‍🩹

Thank you for your response. Sadly, my husband passed away on Sunday Feb 23 at the hospice Good Samaritian House. I drove him there on Wednesday, got to visit with him on Friday and we were planning to up on Sunday when I got the call that he had passed. So I never got the chance to tell him good bye. I knew before he went there that he was nearer to the end. I did not want him to die at home and I wasn't able to give him the care he needed. The Good Samaritan house were able to give him more pain meds to keep him comfortable, and they could bathe him and he had to have a catheter in. This place had 10 beds but he was the only patient there at that time. So he had the undivided attention of the nurses. They were so kind and had a wonderful faith in God. He could not have been in a better place. We had the funeral yesterday and it went well. As well as a funeral could go. Today, I am just sitting in my pajamas feeling rather numb. I know there will be lots of paperwork but with the Lord's help, I will get through it. Thank you again.

Thank you for your response. Sadly, my husband passed away on Sunday Feb 23 at the hospice Good Samaritian House. I drove him there on Wednesday, got to visit with him on Friday and we were planning to up on Sunday when I got the call that he had passed. So I never got the chance to tell him good bye. I knew before he went there that he was nearer to the end. I did not want him to die at home and I wasn't able to give him the care he needed. The Good Samaritan house were able to give him more pain meds to keep him comfortable, and they could bathe him and he had to have a catheter in. This place had 10 beds but he was the only patient there at that time. So he had the undivided attention of the nurses. They were so kind and had a wonderful faith in God. He could not have been in a better place. We had the funeral yesterday and it went well. As well as a funeral could go. Today, I am just sitting in my pajamas feeling rather numb. I know there will be lots of paperwork but with the Lord's help, I will get through it. Thank you again.

@denise96 I’m so very thankful (for both you and your husband) that your husband was in such a great caring place towards the end of his illness and when he passed 🙏♥️ Such a shock though still when the end comes, and a relief he’s no longer in pain and struggling.

Sending you big hugs and prayers while you navigate this next difficult stage. I’m glad you have such a strong faith to support you through it 🙏❤️‍🩹

So sorry for your loss. 🫂

Usually, hospice will come to your home. Have you explored this? Also there are hospice volunteers who will come to your house to help with menial tasks. Do you have access to Visiting Angels? Does he have long term care insurance? if so, they will pay for Visiting Angels.

Forgive me, but I don't think I responded to your post. Hospice did come to my home to assess my husband. But he was declining so quickly that last wednesday they suggested that he go to a good samaritan house which is a part of hospice. it was a wonderful place. They had 10 beds and when we took him on last wednesday, he was the only patient they had. He got all of their undivided attention and care. I could have never given him the care he needed. So he died comfortably and peacefuly there on Sunday the 23rd. Medicare paid for all of it.