"You're not the only one dealing with issues!"

i would point out two things. first, we live in an era of people selfishly taking offence over the silliest, petty things. it's a shame to see this but it's real.

the second thing is that folks who have never dealt closely with alz/dementia patients have no real idea what it's like and how difficult it is. your friend really has no idea what you are going through. i was like that until my mother developed dementia in her late 70s. when my parents were 81 and 80 yrs old, my father went into the hospital and i stayed with my mother for 5 days. that's when i discovered how much i didn't know about the difficulties of caretaking for this disease. nobody who has never done it has no idea how hard it can be to explain a complex situation 50 times or more in one day. and the deal with my mother was that you had to explain it to her every time or risk her going into one of her rages. if she got angry, it was possible for her to, literally, stay in a rage for 2-3 weeks. hard to believe but it's true.

so after dealing with my mom, when my wife developed dementia, i at least had some idea of what i was doing. those of us who caretake for dementia learn skills and develop expertise that the rest of the human race never knows about.

Yes, the doctor said it’s very common with dementia BUT it’s much worse with men when family members and/or female caregivers are the helpers. That pulls in big emotions from decades of being “in charge” and “the man of the house” and accelerates quickly to the “you’re not the boss of me” attitude and angry refusal to cooperate.
By the time my husband was discharged from the hospital to assistive living, he had not showered, changed clothing, or brushed his teeth in over two months, becoming furious with my attempts to encourage or help with any personal hygiene. BUT at the assistive living, he takes two showers weekly (with a full clothing change), allows his shirt to be changed daily (but not socks :/), and brushes his teeth with encouragement from the male aides. He sleeps in his clothes, socks, and shoes (won’t allow shoes to be removed). He wears adult incontinence briefs, doesn’t like them wet or soiled, will take them off while sitting on the commode. I have a bin of briefs next to the toilet, he changes independently. The key for him is a helper who is not related and a guy.
When I was working in Home Care as an OT, it was a rule of thumb that if caregiving was needed by a family member, an adult grandson got the best results if you have one available. I think again, with a son, the big emotions are too close. Perhaps call a home health nursing agency or caregiving business and see if they have any male aides. Or try a female and everybody else leave the room. Some men with dementia would let wives help, but a lot wouldn’t.
Another method I saw used on a dementia unit I worked on, is to do (what in our rural county is called a “farmer’s bath” or a “spit bath” ). Men tend to laugh if you say, “ Come on, we’re gonna wash the stink off ya!”). Prepare ahead of time- clean clothes, a smaller towel, at least five of the large washcloth-size disposable wipes you buy at CVS/Walgreens, warmed in the microwave, a nice cup of coffee ready, quiet music. Pointing out the coffee and gesturing to his kitchen chair (turned sideways with a hand towel placed on it) is cueing in on a familiar behavior and may elicit cooperation. Keep up chit chat. Once seated, pull the arm not holding the coffee out of his shirt and wash quick with one of the washcloths, apply deodorant, then the next arm, flip the shirt quick over his head and quick put the clean one on just one arm and pull down, reach under to wash his front and back, changing wash cloths as needed, then the second arm goes in. The idea is to limit the time he is uncovered and will feel vulnerable/“not right”.
Next have him stand, quick pull down his pants and underwear, have him sit and quick place the smaller towel over his lap. Take off shoes, socks, pants, underwear. Use a new washcloth on each leg. Put on fresh underwear, pants (hope you’ve gone to sweatpants), and socks, put shoes back on. Have him stand- new washcloth for privates front, new for privates back, pull everything up and he’s good to go. If he allows time for lotion, that’s all to the better- offering a back rub and foot rub gives a chance to get some on. The great thing about the washcloth wipes is that they do not have a soap product so there is no problem with drying residue. If he will allow a shower or wash-up at the sink, the product “Cetaphil” also isn’t soap-based, no need to worry about thorough rinsing. For the face and neck- a lot of people like to and can do this on their own. You can offer that cloth while getting busy with other body areas. When seated again, dry shampoo for hair once weekly, electric shaver if he’s willing. At home, my husband stopped shaving and wouldn’t allow help, so he soon looked like Grizzly Adams 🙂 For haircuts, I still take him to Walmart- he is willing to get the haircut because afterwards we always walk around and he loves Walmart- the tool section, the electrical aisle, plumbing supplies- you get the picture 🤣🤣
Hope this is helpful 😊

Two ways to find out who your friends are. Be sick or your spouse is mentally or physically. The other is to go broke for one reason or another.
Experienced with both.

OMG...it was Bill not Scott....please forgive me!

My wife was diagnosed with degenerative dementia in 2015 , she was still doing well after her mother died she changed after that as the years gone by 10 years, Change depends, medicine, cook food, shower. She hates to get in the shower. I work full time also, being a caregiver has its good days bad days . My wife is latino i am white when we first met she spoke English but as the dementia started she speaks a lot of Spanish. I understand a lot but sometimes when she speaks to fast i use translate i try to keep the same routine every day when i get home , She hates when i take her depends off , fusses bangs me on the head . I speak clam to her. She feels better when they are off My wife used to be very smart, when dementia started she hated me dressing her, still does. I think because she doesn’t understand what happened to her . She was used to doing so much her self, now she has to rely on me. As far as family goes hers thinks she is my responsibility, My family passes her on to her family. I used to get mad about it . Not anymore the cavalry is not coming. I am getting better. I do it for the love of my wife. Thats my story.

You have had a bad experience with people who don't know how to relate to or understand just what we deal with 24/7. Each one of us has the same basic issues with care giving but the details run the gamut. First let tell you that each of us on this forum know and understand what you have been thru.
Hopefully, I can help a bit. The people who responded in a very inappropriate manner can not be considered friends if they later realized how unkind they were. They should be removed from your thought processes. You have enough to deal with on a daily basis without taking on their lack of empathy or even a willingness to listen and try to understand. You don't need this distraction or guilt load. Don't spend time or use your energy to figure out where they are coming from, Use your time and energy to help your wife and to take care of your needs too. It's okay to spend your valuable time and energy where it is needed the most...on your wife and yourself.
I, too, have not hd time, energy or stamina to return to the things I loved doing before my husband began to go into Dementia a few years ago. He is 94 and I am 89. His daily physical being runs from the top of a roller coaster..a good day, then drops to the bottom of a pit and lasts from one to three days.
There are multiple medical problems along with this Devil Dementia..his and mine. I will tell you that my typing is often terrible due to failing eyesight so please overlook the errors. I try to correct them but I miss a few.
Right now, he is off food, we are looking for things to give him but he has lost his taste buds and food has no taste other than that of plywood....at least he says this is what it tastes like. His energy has fallen into the pit, balance if okay with the help of walkers and rollatores and our team of round the clock help, our daughter, son and myself.
We have found that a dense of humor..lots of it...get us thru terrible days. Even on his worst days, we look for things to laugh about.
Our team is like family. Try to find...by trial and error...people he can talk to, share memories from whatever period of time your wife can remember. You may have to start the conversation, but she might pick up on something and begin to share.
we have c.g.s ranging from 40 into 70s. Even if he doesn't do a lot of talking when they relate stories, he laughs and let's them know he is aware of it all. Most of time he chimes in and then shares something of his life. There is always laughter.
They call him "The Boss" and he loves it. He pushes back at times but they know how to cajole him into doing what needs to be done.
Don't spend all the time you could use doing things you enjoy. Start splitting it...I have found that this helps the Mr. as much as it does help me. Even if he isn't feeling like talking a lot, he does listen as I tell him what I was able to do with my time. He actually thanked me for looking out for myself. The care givers willl leave the room when I ask them t, this give he and I tme alone to just talk listen to music or even take cat naps together, he in his char and I pull up a box foorstool, jut the right height so I can rest my head on he shoulder and we hold hands, Touch is important and makes the separation time better because he looks forward to the together time. He actually asks them when I am coming back It's almost like a date.
As you can tell, when he is at the top of the roller coaster, he can think logically, speak about things pretty well. It is the current things that he forgets.
Music is a huge help in giving me time to do my work or find some down time. We also play soft quiet instrumental music when we go to bed. It is very soothing to him
Nutrition is a major problem here. We are working hard to find things he will eat, knowing full well he wont enjoy any of it as his taste buds are shot and the only things he can taste is sugar. You would be amazed at what we feed him with a dash of extra sweetness on it or in it.
I talk about details with friends and extended family only when they ask the right questions that let me know they are interested and want to help in some way. they don't realize that venting is a tremendous help but most people are kind enough to ask and listen. I have been amazed that people I hardly know ask about him and often ask if they can pray with us before they leave . There are good people out there who really care and as I write this, I'm thinking that perhaps some who have been insensitive to your situation, probably don't know what to say or what to do. So...it comes out as being very insensitive.
At my age, I've learned to read body language and facial expressions very early on in the conversation and I say "Thank you for asking, we're doing as well as we can expect:", then I move on to to something else.
Finally, I can tell you that my greatest help in finding peace, comfort and strength over the past five years, is to sit down and pour my heart out in thanks for all the positives we see each day...albeit my husband's physical stepping stones or the down times...and let Him know how grateful for everything. We know Heis with us on this journey and He will give us all the strength we need and guide us on the path to His Will
We need to listen, trust Him and follow His guidance. We are at peace and we are strong...what a blessing.
I pray that you will find peace and that things begin to settle a bit for you. I sense strength in you.
Remember, you have Friends right here who will share your ups and downs so that you feel the thoughts and prayers we send your way.
I too am dealing with some new major issues in the new world and I will be looking to this forum for help very soon. I look forward to the input from people who know and understand how much it means to "talk" to people who truly understand.
Blessings

Welcome to the forum rxw1853. You are in a good place for support with your situation.

First, bless you for working so hard to care for your wife!
As many other full time caregivers here can attest to, it is an ABSOLUTELY consuming and exhausting job, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Second, I am so sorry you’ve had a friend speak to you this way. Perhaps, do to their own problems, they were just upset at the time and they didn’t mean to come across so harshly. Also, maybe they were not aware of how ill your wife is and thus, how consumed you are by it. Often times, people simply can’t imagine and don’t understand how consuming caregiving is unless they’ve been there; and even more so when it’s a loved one and/or you’re the primary caregiver. If it was a genuine stab at you personally, I say: shame on them!
Your wife is obviously (and rightly) your first and most priority in life. It sounds like you’re someone who perhaps your friends can and have relied on in the past. That’s wonderful and unfortunately, hard to find these days.
But, someone is only a true friend to you if they can be supportive or at least try to understand and cut you some slack when you are enduring such a hardship in your life.

If you feel this friend was just upset or not understanding, maybe try first explaining that you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but your wife needs you immensely right now and you just don’t have time for much outside of that. Maybe then tell them they are important to you and you would still like to enjoy time together. Ask them how you two might keep in touch in a more brief way. Leave the ball in their court.

Unfortunately sometimes when we’re in dire distress (as you are now) is when we find out who truly is our friend. I really hope they come around.

Food for thought:
“ A true friend shows love at all times And is a brother who is born for times of distress.”
(Proverbs 17:17)

Also, I really hope you can find some answers and help for your wife. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too, physically and mentally. You can only care for her if you are well.