Harmful to point out the gravity of my wife's memory problems?

With my father, I would write out the checks and then have him sign them. He still felt in control. I got a check book with "carbon" copies, so if he did write out a check I would know where it went and how much, in a NEWLY created checking account. I had to let the other old checking account stay open for 6 months, to see what might come through, he would write checks and not record them in the check register....

My wife was diagnosed with aMCI about a year ago and is on Donezipril which seems to help. Her long term migraines have completely ceased with this medication but I do know the same concerns you mention. She now has smaller headaches occasionally but when these occur her condition worsens noticeably. Months ago we agreed to add a "parental control" app on her cellphone so I could monitor when she may try to download inappropriate apps (which she had done). Yesterday she forgot we agreed to this and accused me of trying to control her life. I had to calmly explain to her the situation and told her the app name on her phone was insenstive; i.e. I'm not her parent and she's not my child. She seemed to accept this.. for the time being.

This is the same course that I had to take with my mother. As her memory loss worsened, she would then phone in her payments on her bills on the day they were due, but often were very late. She finally agreed that it was best that I act as her "bookkeeper" and take care of the bills. It has worked out OK for us.

An excellent source of information is" Teepa Snow's Positive Approach to Care - YouTube." I wish you the very best.

Overwhelmed by serious setbacks for my wife and myself, I thank you for this reference and I thank as well all those who have made helpful comments on my query. I read--and appreciated all, though lacking the time to reply individually. Three emergency room visits for my wife have underscored her courage while intensifying our bond. Even "virtual" support is resolve-strengthening. We shall overcome.

I'm so sorry for what you and your wife went through. My forty-year old niece has brain cancer and I'm worried sick about her. She has two young boys and I can't imagine the effect of this on her family. This site is great for advice, which is very helpful, but maybe it's greatest benefit is finding sympathy and understanding from others who know.

@1995victoria Sounds so like my father! Most places now won’t take cheques so my father has now given me a power of attorney to pay his bills out of his account by internet banking. He has a row of clear plastic tubs lined up on the family room table where he eats all his meals. They are all clearly marked with what’s in them. The end one closest to him has unpaid bills. He’s pretty good at putting his bills in there and I pick them up when I visit him (minimum 3 times a week) or another family member will photograph a bill and text it to me. I then bring back the invoice and a copy of the receipt and together we put it in his paid tub. We do need to go through the tubs regularly to make sure he hasn’t put something in the wrong tub and we also check next to his chair that he hasn’t kept something close by him! I take him to the bank so he can use his cheque to draw cash fortnightly for his personal spends. So far this system is working well. He still feels he is in control of his money and is across his finances.

He’s pretty good at accepting his limitations. We don’t make a big deal about them either. We want him to feel comfortable with where he’s at and not anxious.

He can’t drive any more (he would get lost very soon after leaving home) and his reactions are no longer what’s necessary. He was very good at choosing himself to stop driving after we’d been warming him up to the idea of taking life easy from the passenger seat some years ago. We are all his chauffeurs when he wants to go anywhere.

You're fortunate your dad is so cooperative. Best wishes to you and your family.

Welcome to the best forum for getting answers to this horrible disease. I’m in a similar boat (married of 55+ years to an independent woman) but over the years I’ve gotten to read her moods and actions pretty good. I make sure I tell her I love her at least once a day and if I see her confused, I ask her for a hug. That gets her to relax and lose the stress I could see building up. I’ve taken over her medications and when they are due, I ask her to do me a favor ( then she takes the meds) . I’ve taken over all cooking, planning for appointments and driving (she lost her license) . Her biggest issue is the lack of independence. However, when she starts focusing on her lack of independence, I ask her for a hug and reinforce the fact that I like being with her 24/7. I have to sleep with my arm over her in case she gets up at night to leave. The toughest thing for me is when she asks “where’s my husband?” . That gets to me😢
We try to go to tai chi once a week and the local museum has a dementia meeting one a month that we use to go to but my wife doesn’t want to go anymore because of “all the people with dementia “. It’s a tough journey for caregivers but just remember all the good times you and her have had over the years.

@pamela78 Thank you and the same to you and your family🙏

It’s not easy. Dad was extremely clever, and highly respected in his profession for his intellect so it has been extra hard seeing his decline. His colleagues from years ago greet him when Dad is walking with one of us in the shopping centre, but he doesn’t recognise or remember any of them. He still greets them and enjoys the exchange. They recognise where he’s at so keep greeting him. People can be so very kind and caring.

I worked in the same profession as Dad so I recognise some and will let him know the connection when we move on. He likes me doing that as it helps him remember those days. I do it casually like it’s totally normal he can’t remember them. Although he’ll quickly forget again, it’s a positive experience in his day and I’m sure that good feeling stays with him in some form.

Dad is fiercely independent since my mother died unexpectedly from small cell lung cancer 15+ years ago. We had to teach him everything Mum used to do for him (he still cooks his meals on a safety proofed gas stove). I think embedding certain routines has now helped him accept his dementia and mental decline (we never use that word with him). We have printed posters around his home to help him remember to do things (like shower and change his underwear on certain days). We remodelled his bathroom into essentially a wet room with a walk in shower, a seat and handrails and a counter with a mirror. He has a huge electronic clock on the bathroom counter with the day, date and time in big letters. He checks it regularly as he has lost all concept of time and won’t remember what he did in a day a short while later unless helped to remember certain things (like dogs he saw). We also have a big calendar on the table where he eats which as a family we all fill in. If it’s not in the calendar it’s not happening!! He’s learnt to check that and now gets enormous comfort from doing so, numerous times a day. The calendar also helps us as a family to make sure he doesn’t have blank days, to not double up and to step up. One of my young nieces and her fiancé both live with him, but both work. They do all his medications and make sure he takes them. We fill in around them. We all love Dad so very much. He’s been the best father and now grandfather. It’s our turn to have his back 🙏

I do think the way we interact with Dad has helped him and all of us cope with his dementia. I accept what works for him and us may not work for others.