Harmful to point out the gravity of my wife's memory problems?

@pamela78 Thank you and the same to you and your family🙏

It’s not easy. Dad was extremely clever, and highly respected in his profession for his intellect so it has been extra hard seeing his decline. His colleagues from years ago greet him when Dad is walking with one of us in the shopping centre, but he doesn’t recognise or remember any of them. He still greets them and enjoys the exchange. They recognise where he’s at so keep greeting him. People can be so very kind and caring.

I worked in the same profession as Dad so I recognise some and will let him know the connection when we move on. He likes me doing that as it helps him remember those days. I do it casually like it’s totally normal he can’t remember them. Although he’ll quickly forget again, it’s a positive experience in his day and I’m sure that good feeling stays with him in some form.

Dad is fiercely independent since my mother died unexpectedly from small cell lung cancer 15+ years ago. We had to teach him everything Mum used to do for him (he still cooks his meals on a safety proofed gas stove). I think embedding certain routines has now helped him accept his dementia and mental decline (we never use that word with him). We have printed posters around his home to help him remember to do things (like shower and change his underwear on certain days). We remodelled his bathroom into essentially a wet room with a walk in shower, a seat and handrails and a counter with a mirror. He has a huge electronic clock on the bathroom counter with the day, date and time in big letters. He checks it regularly as he has lost all concept of time and won’t remember what he did in a day a short while later unless helped to remember certain things (like dogs he saw). We also have a big calendar on the table where he eats which as a family we all fill in. If it’s not in the calendar it’s not happening!! He’s learnt to check that and now gets enormous comfort from doing so, numerous times a day. The calendar also helps us as a family to make sure he doesn’t have blank days, to not double up and to step up. One of my young nieces and her fiancé both live with him, but both work. They do all his medications and make sure he takes them. We fill in around them. We all love Dad so very much. He’s been the best father and now grandfather. It’s our turn to have his back 🙏

I do think the way we interact with Dad has helped him and all of us cope with his dementia. I accept what works for him and us may not work for others.

Your post is an inspiration. My husband is a Stanford graduate with an ABD in French Literature and an MLS in library science. He was a university reference librarian for 42 years and has always been proud of his brain, so I know how you feel about watching your dad's decline. My husband isn't quite as far along as your father, but he has many of the same behaviors. Lots of repetition, loss of words, loss of short-term and long-term memory. He knows, I guess, his diagnosis and has an appointment with a neurologist in a couple of weeks, but he doesn't seem to understand why our primary care physician referred him. He had some sort of test on his brain (scan, eeg?) about a year ago but I don't recall anything definitive from that. My understanding is that there's nothing that can be done, so I'm not sure what good pinning down a diagnosis would do. I know so may folks who have dementia these days. Their spouses cope and we all do the best we can. You have a great attitude that I shall try to emulate.

Hi, pcetng0202. Among my friends of my age (89) are a number with similar challenges from their spouses and partners. Their practice comes from a shared strategy that tries to avoid managing or controlling needs, necessities, or wishes of a partner who is descending into dementia. And it's not simple:

Use good and polite questions rather than complaints, directions, or accountability tricks; and do so with an understanding tone that life for senior citizens has become much more complicated for a lot of reasons, perhaps mostly because of digital tools and data bases that are now being employed at every level of conscious human observation, interaction, achievement, and celebration, but also because of thought pollution caused by artificial intelligence and almost daily new findings from scientific research that past practices and recipes are obsolete -- even hazardous -- and must be replaced now. Under the circumstances, continuous education is essential to us all to keep up with changes that must be made, and that also commends to us the importance of sharing information and ideas with as any friends as time allows, giving us the benefits of group insights and efforts to understand and share answers to newly vital challenges. Martin

@pamela78 It is tough and wishing you and your husband continuing happiness despite everything 🙏

My sister is a clinical nurse and is adamant that, as there’s nothing that can be done for Dad, we don’t get him clinically diagnosed because of what that entails if he’s hospitalised. Dad’s finances preclude him from receiving subsidised care packages so that isn’t a reason to get a diagnosis. He has continuing decades long health insurance which I ensure is paid each year! My sister talks to the hospital staff about his care on admission and so far his few stays have been fine for the staff, him and other patients.

Legally, we all ensure that we do not do anything with his finances other than what HE needs and what he gives the go ahead for (eg his roof was leaking so we organised for that to be fixed and paid out of his account). I talk him through these sorts of things before going ahead. He’s still capable of understanding and making his own decision in the moment.

I also print out his bank account regularly (transactions etc) so the family and my Dad can see exactly what I’ve done on his account with internet banking.

We have all agreed that as far as medical decisions are concerned if we family members disagree (eg whether or not he gets shingles, RSV or Covid jabs) what his doctor recommends prevails. Dad has trusted his doctor over the years who knows Dad well. Again I talk through things with Dad (including any family disagreement and what his doctor recommends) and again Dad is able to make the decision in the here and now.

With his consent we have cameras outside his house so we get notifications if he goes outside the house. He so far doesn’t go outside the front gate on his own. We joke with him about microchipping him!! We are looking with him at adding a GPS tracker to his medic alert. He has a medic alert inside the house which he never takes off. So far we don’t have any cameras inside as he doesn’t want them, yet. We may encourage him to let us put one in his kitchen soon.

Things may change and we will roll with that. He put in place a guardianship appointment if needed with a lawyer friend we all know, like and respect some years ago 🙏❤️‍🩹