Dealing with a Spouse with a “Mild Cognitive Impairment”

Posted by tryingtimes10 @tryingtimes10, Dec 31, 2024

My husband was diagnosed with MCI in 2019. He is pretty independent, just forgetful of time, dates, location of places, anything electronic & events from our life together (we’ve been married 52 years). It’s all just getting to me. I find myself wanting to be alone so I’m not continuously reminded of these changes. Because my friends/family are out of state, working, or involved with their own families, I really have no one to talk to so I’m seeing a therapist twice a week to deal with the sadness, anger, grief I have over his condition. I just wonder if other women find themselves in this position & how they are dealing with it.

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@meitsjustme

Please feel free to use this as a "woe is me" site if you need to vent some steam. We're all human, and we've all been there.
My husband seems to be in the same general state as yours with MCI. He has few memories of our lives together, is relatively independent but gets lost, can't work his phone, etc. I'm handling it so far by trying to maintain my other relationships while I'm still free to do so. I know that when his dementia worsens I'll be a lot more limited. I intend to care for him at home as long as possible. So, I walk a few miles a day, exercise a bit with weights at home, and do stretching exercises. Endorphins are good. I try to befriend new people so I'm not so lonely and maintain good relationships with family, but we don't have many relatives nearby. Basically, I suggest exercise and friendships...and this site.

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I also understand having not many relatives nearby. We have one son who lives on the west coast & I have a brother in the southwest west. He has a brother here but I don’t think he is aware of the extent of the impairment. He also has a cousin who lost her mom (his aunt) to AD so she is aware of the struggles & I keep in touch with her.

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@maryvc

Yes, there are many of us dealing with IT. You can read some of my posts. My husband was officially diagnosed in early 2023 but changes were apparent before that. We will be married 52 years next year. This is sad to see our husband lose his ability to think for himself and engage as the partner we once had.
I savor the good times, forgive myself for exploding at times, and hug him at least once a day no matter what.
Good that you have a therapist. I have one for me once a week and my husband has a neuropsychologist who calls him once a week. I get in on those sessions and it’s often marriage counseling.
Hang in there and stay connected here.
I found this sight when one day I was taking a walk and just sobbing. I searched “my husband has MCI..” and found this to be soothing and helpful.
I hope you find some peace in knowing there are many of us with you in the same boat.

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Thank you for your kind responses. It sounds like you are dealing with the same issues I am. I was desperate to find a site where others were also dealing with spouses with MCI & punched in a similar search term & this one came up. I’m so thankful to be in touch with others who are dealing with the same thing. How they are keeping their sanity, dealing with a marriage that really isn’t anymore, etc. My therapist suggested bringing out photo books. I haven’t tried that yet. I’m just so thankful for this site & for all the sharing. Thank you!

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I'm in the same boat as you. Make sure you are practicing self-care, that helps me a lot. I keep a journal where I can safely vent, here too.
Even though our children don't live close by, I gave them blank books customized that are titled, 'Questions for my Dad'. I let them know they should start writing down things they want to know from him, while he can still answer. He responds when they share the questions with him.
My hobby (baking, and watching baking shows) helps relieve stress, too.
Virtual hug!

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@judimahoney

I'm in the same boat as you. Make sure you are practicing self-care, that helps me a lot. I keep a journal where I can safely vent, here too.
Even though our children don't live close by, I gave them blank books customized that are titled, 'Questions for my Dad'. I let them know they should start writing down things they want to know from him, while he can still answer. He responds when they share the questions with him.
My hobby (baking, and watching baking shows) helps relieve stress, too.
Virtual hug!

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I, too, do a lot of journaling. I find it very helpful. Great idea of having your kids ask questions! Thanks for sharing!

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I’m a writer and journaler also. I have journals since 1987. I seldom look back but I want to go back and see the good, the bad, and the ugly. This is a chapter I never thought we would have.

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@tryingtimes10

I’m sorry to hear what you had to go through. What a blessing you were to your wife.you are correct life is not fair. As a Rabbi wrote in his book “When Bad Things Happen to Good People”, there is no one above sprinkling fairness dust on us all, or something to that effect. I always try to keep that in mind. The minister who married us is cared for & lost a wife to brain cancer & talked to us about that. He said being a minister did not protect him or his wife from these things that happen & talked to us about prayer. At the time we felt bad for him but it didn’t really sink in at the time. Thanks again for sharing your story.

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I have a similar situation, though no actual diagnosis besides short term memory loss and definite mood changes. We have been happily married for 55 years, so I really empathize with your feelings of loss, sadness and grief as you realize things are changing. The hardest part for me is not knowing what to expect for the future. I also went to a therapist and that helped me a lot. Sending you my caring thoughts for you.

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@tryingtimes10

Thank you for your kind words. My decline has been multifactorial but the icing on the cake was certainly my husband’s MCI I’m dealing with. I don’t know that I will ever be the person I was pre-pandemic & my husband’s pre- MCI. Both changed my life tremendously & not for the good. I’m sorry for complaining & it’s not my intent to use this as a woe is me bitch site. I’m interested in knowing how others deal with what feels like a slow loss of the person they were married to.

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@tryingtimes10 You can always use this site as a crying blanket or pity party. Other members will join soon and give you their experiences and helpful tips. Being married 52 years is so momentous that you really do want to share and it’s hard when there’s no one to share with. Just do the best you can.
Do you ever think of moving to assisted living ? You don’t need but he may and it will take some of the burden off you.

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@maryvc

I’m a writer and journaler also. I have journals since 1987. I seldom look back but I want to go back and see the good, the bad, and the ugly. This is a chapter I never thought we would have.

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That I can certainly understand. It was never anything that entered my realm of possibilities.

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@elm123

I have a similar situation, though no actual diagnosis besides short term memory loss and definite mood changes. We have been happily married for 55 years, so I really empathize with your feelings of loss, sadness and grief as you realize things are changing. The hardest part for me is not knowing what to expect for the future. I also went to a therapist and that helped me a lot. Sending you my caring thoughts for you.

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Thank you. Yes, dealing with the unknown is difficulty. I’ve noticed some days are better than others & can only hope the good outweigh the bad. I find it best to take it one day at a time.

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@becsbuddy

@tryingtimes10 You can always use this site as a crying blanket or pity party. Other members will join soon and give you their experiences and helpful tips. Being married 52 years is so momentous that you really do want to share and it’s hard when there’s no one to share with. Just do the best you can.
Do you ever think of moving to assisted living ? You don’t need but he may and it will take some of the burden off you.

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Neither of us are ready for that at this time. Physically I’m having trouble keeping up our place. He actually does more than I do. My endurance is poor & I tire easily . I’m trying to weed out as I can so we can hopefully move to a small condo if I can ever get him to agree.

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