Morbid question: I'm really afraid of finding my husband dead

Thank you for your understanding and kind words. I do have family but they are about 30 minutes away which isn't that far but they all still work. My mother lives on my property but she is 92 and still fairly healthy but I don't want to put this on her. We did not get to talk to the palliative doctor as no one called at 11:45. I called and the woman said she did not have an appt for him. She said it was for January 24. I thought I must be losing it also, but I found the card and it definitely said December 24, 2024. Then she said it had been cancelled and I told her we were never notified. The palliative care doctors are the ones that prescribed these pills for my husband. 80 mg oxycodone which I give him, 20mg of xtampa (oxycontin er9) and xanax two a day. Tonight I have been really sad. I am not really feeling this holiday and really did not want to do my small christmas dinner with some family, but I was worried that this could be his last christmas. I am doing it for him. He went to bed this afternoon at 4 and is still sleeping. He never sleeps well, so I don't want to wake him up. I just heard him cough so I know at least he is still alive. Sorry that was not very nice to say. Thanks again and have a very Merry Christmas!

No need to apologize. I know the feeling. When my husband sleeps during the day I frequently stand in the doorway and listen for a snore or cough. Sometimes that's the only thing you can do. I treasure the days when he sleeps. I can have some quiet time at last. Sadly, that usually means he'll be up wandering all night.

No Christmas celebration here but it's just as well, he's had a bad night and today is no better. Good thing I love football. That's how I'll spend the day. Actually, I'm OK with that though I do miss the fun Christmases of the past.

Good Morning. Well, we made it through another day. My mom, my two brothers and my sister n law all came to celebrate. They all talked to Joe. Joe did not have a good day. He stayed in his recliner and did not eat a thing. But he did talk to my family as they went into the living room to see him. He did watch the steeler game. He was up until about 7:00 at which time he went to bed. It was an exhausting day for me but nice. I was glad that most of my family showed up. This morning he is saying he is very dizzy and it is making him unbalanced when he tries to walk. He is trying to tough this out. But, I on the other hand, want to call the ambulance everytime he tells me that he is feeling worse. And he tells me not to. Last night a visiting nurse called and she is coming out today around 3 or 4. Thank God. So, how are you today? And how is your husband? I have never dealt with someone who had dementia but I know from reading it is a terrible disease. My friend's father had it and she has told me about his experiences and they weren't pretty. But finally she admitted them both to a nursing home because it became too much for her to care for them as she was working full time. She did have other family, but they left her to carry the burden. You must be exhausted. My husband gets confused a lot but is not too much of a bother as he spends most of his time in the recliner. I can surely understand why you take advantage of the time when he sleeps. When do you get to sleep? Do you have close family nearby? If it gets too bad, you might want to consider a nursing home. It comes to a point where we have to think of our own survival. But thinking of putting a loved one into a home is terrible. They are not always the nicest places. My dad was in one for a short while and I know some of the aides there really don't care about the patient. Saw it first hand. But my mom was 73 and my dad kept falling and she could not pick him up. She tried as long as she could but just could not do it anymore. AT the time she did not live close to me and I and my two brothers were all working full time. It is so hard. But if you ever decide to go that way, make sure you talk to an elder attorney first. I used to work at one of the many welfare offices in PA and I was an income maintenance caseworker. My cases were determining eligibility for nursing home help from the state. I have been retired for 12 years, but there are lots of rules. I know that they won't make the patient sell the home if they have a spouse still living there. But financial things can get tricky that is why I would recomment talking to an elder care attorney. I hope you have a good day and I hope your husband does too. Reach out anytime.

I'm so glad you got to have family for dinner. I hope it wasn't so stressful that it took the joy out of the day for you. In situations like that I figure my husband may not remember it but I will remember that I did everything I could to make the moments good for him. After my parents died I thought of so many things I could have done to make their lives better. I don't want to have those regrets when hubby is either in nursing care or gone from here.

I have been looking into skilled nursing and memory care in our area. It seems like he's not a good fit for either yet. He needs lots of nursing care for ailments other than dementia but also needs caregivers who understand the needs of a dementia patient. For now I just keep plugging along.

Wishing all the caregivers joy and peace in the new year ahead.

jehjeh

No need to apologize. I know the feeling. When my husband sleeps during the day I frequently stand in the doorway and listen for a snore or cough. Sometimes that's the only thing you can do. I treasure the days when he sleeps. I can have some quiet time at last. Sadly, that usually means he'll be up wandering all night.

No Christmas celebration here but it's just as well, he's had a bad night and today is no better. Good thing I love football. That's how I'll spend the day. Actually, I'm OK with that though I do miss the fun Christmases of the past.

I understand these “morbid” thoughts and feelings. I have the same or similar ones. I heard a comment that doctors treat and medicate the symptoms but they cannot treat the cause.

I am more and more ok with letting my spouse eat what he wants and even skipping his meds now and then- I have to force him to take them and sometimes it is just too hard. Honestly- sometimes I am too tired or too busy to remember the meds- but never more than once; we always get back on track.
Our senior dog is showing signs that her end may be near and losing her will affect both of us.

Side note- when my mother died at 90+ my sister and I both wished that we had let her eat as many sweets as she wanted. That might be morbid because she was diabetic, but she would have been happy. Or maybe just let her have desert every day…

My son is 19 he has had two heart transplants and three strokes the med thing is a real issue not to mention I hit menopause as well sometimes it’s a lot. What are you doing for yourself?

I understand these “morbid” thoughts and feelings. I have the same or similar ones. I heard a comment that doctors treat and medicate the symptoms but they cannot treat the cause.

I am more and more ok with letting my spouse eat what he wants and even skipping his meds now and then- I have to force him to take them and sometimes it is just too hard. Honestly- sometimes I am too tired or too busy to remember the meds- but never more than once; we always get back on track.
Our senior dog is showing signs that her end may be near and losing her will affect both of us.

Side note- when my mother died at 90+ my sister and I both wished that we had let her eat as many sweets as she wanted. That might be morbid because she was diabetic, but she would have been happy. Or maybe just let her have desert every day…

I agree about not restricting treats, except when there’s a specific reason. Like with my dad….he loves ice cream, which is fine, but eating too much every day will likely increase his weight to an amount that will make it more difficult for him to ambulate and for us to help him. If not for that, I’d have no problem with it. He’s 87. He forgets he’s already had dessert…twice.