Anyone else doing this alone?

I am, but I don’t resent my siblings for not volunteering. It’s just not right, imo. We all have jobs, health conditions, personal lives, etc. Helping out with various projects is one thing, but when it’s hands on daily care…..to me, it’s not feasible.

We recently got some home health care. Hopefully, that will work out. Is that something that you might be interested in?

@nhbfan: It’s scary having health problems, unreliable mental clarity, needing help doing ordinary things! Aging isn’t for wimps!
We don’t want our family’s help. We decided 9 1/2 yrs ago to move into a Continuing Care Residential Community (CCRC) where we live independently until we need additional help. We are with residents who have made this decision who we have much in common. Holidays are all celebrated with gusto and our environment is very luxurious. By agreeing to a Lifetime Guarantee the owners will take care of us for the rest of our lives, regardless if our funds run out. The peace of mind, lovely environment, activities and friendly neighbors have proved to be best decision we could have made. We continue to simplify our life more every year! Best to you… Bette

@nhbfan I understand your envy. I'm taking care of my dad alone. My mom and sister passed away over 10 years ago (my mom first; my sister two years later). My daughter lives in another state. I also work full time. Luckily, I am a remote worker. Working from home gives me flexibility that I wouldn't have going into an office every day. My husband helps where he can (for example, takes my dad to get his hair cut). My dad has VA benefits that allow us to get a home health aide several days a week, which helps a lot. But the management of everything falls on me. And the management seems to be harder than it should be. Multiple phone calls to get one thing resolved while you're trying to work, take care of a household, have a relationship with your spouse and daughter, and have something like a life. My husband and I have tried to go on vacation three times. I don't want to say it was "disastrous" - that's a little hyperbolic. But, we didn't get to go. It's putting a strain on our relationship. We both feel trapped. But, I keep working on finding ways we can have alone time. When it comes to the point where my dad's care becomes overwhelming and requires more time than I can commit too, I'll have to find a group home or memory care facility for him. Dementia seems to run in our family - my grandmother and at least one of her siblings; my dad and one of his sisters. I've told my daughter that I'll prepare as best I can for the possibility that I'll end up like my dad so I don't become a burden on her - an only child.

I can relate to your situation. And for me, it’s not just the duties required, but my dad often calls my name for any and no reason….like to take a cup he used to the kitchen, hand him his newspaper, go to the mailbox 20 times a day, bring him water when he already has a glass, empty his waste basket, pick him up more handkerchiefs, etc. His requests are nonstop, even when I’m having dinner. So, focusing on remote work is challenging. I have an office and plan to start using it more next year, if he’s still in the home then.

My hubby constantly calls for me for no good reason. Sometimes for no reason other than "oh, I didn't know where you were". Sometimes it's urgent so I don't dare ignore him. It's a lot to deal with. This was one of his problems with skilled nursing recently. As soon as they left his room he would think of something he wanted and immediately push the call button again. Eventually, they would respond slowly and often find a toileting mess.

My husband and I looked into a CCRC near Lebanon, Ohio. I was gung-ho about moving there at first, but then I started worrying that moving him now is only going to make things worse. Usually people with dementia do get worse when their routine and familiar environment is changed.

We currently live on private land inside a national forest, surrounded by beauty and amazing air, so that doesn't help make the decision to move. We have neighbors—none of whom are right next door, but all of us are friends. We help one another, and most are older, although we're the oldest. Living in the woods ten miles from a county road with dementia sounds dangerous, but actually it's the opposite. I think if we were in an urban environment, even in a CCRC, I'd have to watch my husband twice as much as I do now. I'd probably be afraid to even get in the shower!

If we had moved before it became evident, that would probably have worked, but we never wanted to move from here so we didn't. If we had already lived in a town, we'd have moved immediately to the one we looked at, but leaving this place is just so hard to do.

@celia16 That sounds exhausting and frustrating. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that. My dad will open the door and walk into my office, so I hang a "do not disturb" sign when I'm in a meeting. But, if your dad is calling out to you, a sign won't help. I didn't have any good suggestions, so I asked the ChatGPT AI agent for some. You might have tried these things or are already doing them, but this is what it gave me.

Create a routine where you proactively attend to his needs at set times (e.g., bring him water, empty his wastebasket). Let him know, “I’ll check on you every hour to see what you need.”

Respond calmly but assertively to non-urgent requests: “I’ll help with that in a little while, Dad.”

Use a timer or clock to show when you’ll return to help.

Place commonly requested items (water, handkerchiefs, newspaper) within easy reach.

Use a basket or organizer for items he frequently asks for, like glasses, pens, or snacks.

Great ideas. I appreciate your time getting them. The thing with dementia is that even if the items are within his reach, he often won’t notice. I think time boundaries for nonurgent tasks is necessary. Thank you.

I’m glad you shared this. Does your spouse have dementia and are they able to enjoy the independent living? My husband and I are moving into a new Independent Living apartment in Aug 2026. This is a new part of the same kind of CCRC with all levels of care including rehab. He has Moderate cognitive impairment but by then I’m afraid it will have progressed to full on Alzheimer’s. I’m just hoping he can move in with me and enjoy the apartment. We are doing this because we need support and he may need Memory Care. I want to be on the same campus to be with him as much as possible without having to maintain a bigger home.
Two of our children live nearby and one out of town. They are all working and busy with their lives and are glad we are making the move but they are going to have to help with Dad via visits, days out, etc until we get there.
Right now I’m his 24/7 guide for all things and we do need to hire help to give me a break. I’m doing my best but am learning to ASK for help.

@maryvc: I’m glad to learn that you have found the CCRC living style. Since these corporations are owned separately I can only share my experience. We made this decision over 9 yrs ago and I have been aware of a handful of couples where one of them had memory problems. They enjoyed activities, trips together and participated with us as independent living residents. The spouse was full-time caregiver. The challenged individual moved into the special care building on campus when their needs necessitated change. Many of my neighbors visit the care facility daily/weekly or occasionally. Our care building offer lots of activities, dining room, library, game areas and large assisted-living rooms; a skilled nursing wing, rehab therapy, and some CCRC ‘s offer locked memory care wings. Each CCRC administration offers different special care levels and conditions. I hope you have learned the specific levels of care in your CCRC choice and that they can provide your anticipated needs.
None of us can see into the future, but having a “Lifetime Guarantee Contract” offers peace of mind security to us as we age, as well as help immediately available when needed. I hope this helps you make this important decision for you both. Best wishes…