Estrangement Grief: Anyone else going through this?

Estrangement is defined not by a tape measure but rather by being shut out, cut off, not wanted...

My son and I were estranged most of his adult life. Once he cleaned up from his addiction, we started to form a new relationship but not talking often. You couldn't say much to him without him starting an argument or yelling at me.

At 35 he got a girlfriend who believed in the latest trend in therapy which is if you think a person is toxic (who knows how they define it) then you just cut them out of your life. I agree if that person created havoc with alcohol or violence, but this was not the case in our house.

He got back into drugs and wrote me a terrible email last year and this year he died of a drug overdose. I had hoped one day we'd have some kind of relationship but now it's final. We will never know why he made his decisions or what happened, no way to apologize or reconcile.

The loss is brutal and there is no where to turn in my town. My family knew him so they understand the situation, but it's hard to describe to others. We all lost out on so much we should have had.

My daughter cut all ties with me and her siblings since 2020. I don’t know where she is. She purposely erased herself from all kinds of social media. I am worried sick about her. I lost all purpose in life. I am so depressed.

Easy to say, but hard to do......I find the AA philosophy
a helpful reminder. Consider the things you can do something about but know there are some things you can not do anything about & pray to know the difference. Also consider seeing a therapist & consult your family physician
if you are depressed.

Family estrangement is def a type of grief.
It can be all encompassing and create big time anxiety.
Grief is an expression of love and when you lose contact with a loved one via death, dementia, estrangement it certainly causes grief.
It effects every aspect of one’s life and takes up a lot of time hurting.
I’m sorry and I know how it feels.
Btw, if things do get a bit more comfortable one day the relationship usually is never what it was. We grow from our hurt and grief and that changes us.
Bless you

Yes, grief without closure. It’s quite painful for me. My daughter is almost 30 and she’s cut me off for the last 10+ years. I only have touch with her through Venmo. That might not last either soon. She’s quite hurt over how I had to leave the country for a long time. She feels abandoned and deeply hurt. I wish I could talk it out with her. I pray that the Lord will take care of her and bless her. I can’t change the past but always want to. It’s so hard to let go, but there’s no room for me to do anything. It’s very frustrating and at times exasperating. It’s the ultimate test of patience. I wish you peace in the struggle.

I completely understand your situation. I was an addict (which happened due to self-medicating when my ex took my kids away). I've been sober a little over seven years. My 29 y.o. daughter and I have always been close and I pretty much raised my three grandchildren (while in active addiction). So three years into my recovery, my daughter got pissed about me mentioning her parenting, and I haven't gotten to see or speak to my daughter or my grandchildren in almost five years. I've become a workaholic so I don't have to "feel" the pain because I NEVER want to turn back to self-medicating with drugs. I cry all the time too! My two youngest children were told a bunch of crap and they're now adults but still haven't wanted to see or speak to me either. When I got sober, I poured myself into being a better person (spouse, mother, daughter, grandmother, etc) than I have ever been and some days I feel like why do I even give a shit?! I pray to continue to have hope that things will change but some days are definitely way harder than others!

It’s like mourning the death of a child who is still walking the earth!
I am going thru it as well and I am so sorry you have to endure that pain!
I have had quite the opposite result, where you are working harder so as not to think about it, I am paralyzed by it and I can’t seem to put one foot in front of the other. You are not alone 🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽

I wasn't raised to cut off family or friends if I didn't get what I want, or if someone upset me. I have had other people do this to me too. A niece, a friend when I was in my 30s, and my brother who never talks to anyone but his adult son and 4 th wife. How can someone live with the pain of cutting off a person in their life? I know it's dif for dif people. Hugs to me and you all who have exp this. Jill

I came from a mother who would cut people off completely, without notice, and for the slightest reason (excuse).

So I wasn't too surprised when she did it to me.

I'll be honest: it was kind of a relief.