Not Incontinence but bathroom messes and clothes soiling

That sounds extremely stressful and frustrating. My dad is starting to have bathroom mishaps, but is able to clean himself. When he can no longer do that, we’ll seek placement. I realize that is an individual thing.

Resistance to care can be a huge impediment to a person remaining in the home. I know that my cousin was somewhat resistant when I placed her in Memory Care. The staff there were trained and they never had any problems with her. At the regular Assisted Living she refused to bathe, shower or change clothes. At Memory Care it went quite well and she allowed them to handle all her hygiene care, as she was fully incontinent.

Have you tried playing music when you try to clean her up? The Memory Care staff often played music when they showered the residents. Also, promising a special treat sometimes helps, if they will cooperate, there’s ice cream or another treat they enjoy.

Good luck with everything. I might discuss it with her doctor and explore the options. It sounds like a situation that isn’t sustainable without much more help. I hope you can get help. That’s a very intense situation. So sorry.

@spolson53 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! I’m so glad you found the site and felt comfortable enough to start a discussion. Sounds like a horrible situation you’re in. I agree with @celia16 who gave you the idea to get help from her doctor. Let’s also hear from other members.
What are your thoughts about the problem?

Thank you for sharing. This last year I have had some of these issues with my husband. The best that we do is using body wipes but that too is a struggle. Changing clothes is a fight. He prefers having day clothes on to sleep that way he eliminates having to change his clothes when he wakes up in the morning. It seems when I reach a point of tolerating some of his actions a new one pops up.

My heart goes out to you; dealing with bathroom issues can be incredibly frustrating. My husband is incontinent and wears diapers 24/7. He dislikes being wet, and that has been his motivation to manage the situation. When he resists the need for modifications, along this journey, it creates an opportunity to address the challenges he faces.
1. I use a laundry sanitizer for every load now for urine smells
2. Some stool accidents are too bad and I just toss them. It's an investment in me.
3. I clean the machine out at least once a week, or more as needed, with bleach on the self-clean cycle.
4. I need to be creative with getting him to cooperate with changes. Like, they make absorbent pants, panties, etc, designed for this.
5. My spouse can't wipe himself, but he doesn't want to smell, so he allows me to wipe him. Maybe make it something that your wife would value or see as important to her regarding cleaning up etc?

My sweet hubby has many accidents every week. He is only 69, in great physical condition, but his mind is aging faster than his body. The incontinence is daily. Because he is so mobile, he has to be followed everywhere in the house. Sometimes I am just too tired and will sit for an extra few minutes arguing with myself about getting up to check on him. Invariably, when I don't, the consequences have been unforgettable....as he forgets where the bathroom is, thinks he is sitting on a toilet when he is beside it, in the corner of the hall, in my closet, in front of the dresser, etc. Or he poops and realizes that he jas done something bad and takes off running through many rooms - tracking it EVERYWHERE. That has at times created a three hour mess (or longer) to clean, sanitize and wash to include trying to persuade him to get a bath. I have cried, screamed, been unkind to him....all to amount to a huge regret because he was always the cleanest person, and he can't help what he doesn't remember.
I have bought large packages of body wipes and they are in every room, along with depends. I purchased a carpet shampooer and have cleaning/sanitizing supplies within reach. The best thing I purchased was several small garbage cans and many boxes of sturdy trash can liners. They are all over the place. He will urinate in them at times and at other times I grab it and hold it in front of him or under him (depending on the position he has assumed...it is okay to have a chuckle here) as it is often impossible to get him to go to the bathroom. I have pushed him onto the toilet and even stood with him. There are gloves everywhere, and he will usually let me wipe him. The worst part is when he wipes himself and thinks he has tissue in his hands when he doesn't. So I keep his nails trimmed very close and hand sanitizer and hand sanitizer wipes everywhere. If he won't let me wipe him, then he does smell and I wait until the moment arises and he will get a bath or let me wipe him. I have thrown away clothes and shoes. Those are replaceable. I bought several sets of very affordable white towels from Sam's Club. They can be bleached and also thrown away. Everything with urine or poop is washed separately and i use lots of laundry sanitizer and laundry machine cleaner. I can replace carpet one day, throw away other things, but I can't erase the memories of being impatient...so I work hard to love, to hold, to reassure, and to ask God for strength to get through the many challenging moments in this journey. Please forgive any errors....writing this quickly because he is moving and I need to follow......hugs to all of you. This journey is a bit easier because of this group.

That’s a lot of work and stress…that’s for sure. It sounds like it is not sustainable. Will help come in while you are at work?

I have read about clothing that is designed for people who have dementia. It fits them and connects in a way that prevents them from removing their trousers. So, their waste will stay in their pullups and not go on the furniture and floor. I never used them, but read about some who did use them for their loved ones.

I hope you can get some relief. Do you know what condition is causing your husband dementia?

I am a retired teacher, so I am here. We do have an AMAZING caregiver that comes in for 30- 40 hours a week. The VA helps us pay for his services. When help is here, I go see my 97 year old dad (who fell and broke his hip a week ago - another long story as he is not in grest health which means the hip cannot be surgically repaired) and help take care of him....and run a few errands in between. It is hard, and sometimes very lonely, but I am grateful for excellent health and help in our home. As long as my health holds out - we will keep this course and still hope the Calvary will show up.

Best wishes to your father as well. Falling seems to be inevitable with very advanced years.

I will add that caregiving that is very stressful may take a toll on the caregivers health. I read about it for years and then bam! It happened to me. It’s a real thing. I’m trying to give it up. It’s admirable, but a very high price to pay.

I agree with you. I know I am paying a very high personal price - but the options for memory care in our area are kin to a psychotic thriller. We would have to move very far away to make that happen. For now, we are okay...but it is comforting to know others do care amd are concerned.

I'm so thankful that I found this forum. I have been looking at other forums/websites for some practical experience, knowledge, and tips from other caregivers, but couldn't find one that discusses "real life" issues and how people are dealing with this very difficult area. I can relate to alot of the comments/stories, but have found it interesting how others have similar but yet different manifestations of loved ones in the different stages of Dementia/Alzheimers. My wife of 43 years, began showing signs of memory loss approximately 12 years ago...she is now 72. It has been a very slow progression, but the last two years, things have definitely changed. Her bathroom issues started about a year ago, but now we are having some of the same things happening that others have described, with incontinence. She wears adult diapers all of the time now, due to the. . inability to sometimes not know when to go to the bathroom. We are attempting to get my wife on a bathroom schedule, but not always successful. Trying not to be too graphic, but she doesn't know how to clean herself, when she does make it to the toilet, so I now have to wipe her, when she lets me, but the diapers kinda do the wiping. It sounds like from other posts, that alot of caregivers are dealing with the same thing, although some have it ,"much worse", which I'm sorry to hear. We can no longer go on any extended car trips, for fear that if she did have an accident, I wouldn't be able to get in a "women's bathroom", to help her. I have learned quite a bit from others, so thank you for all of your experiences. We also, have a healthcare lady for approximately 4 days per week, which is a big help, but my wife will not allow her to change her diapers or give her showers, ( which I now have to physically get into the shower to make sure my wife gets clean)....as I'm sure others have experienced that she does not want to get a shower.
My wife has begun the constant talking, using correct words, but totally unrelated, and this has started to be a struggle for me. Her neurologist did prescribe Seroquel several months ago to try and help with morning shaking, but the biggest positive is that it does cause her to sleep. We started on 25mg, and sometimes that helps, but not always. I now use 50mg, and most of the time it does help. Sleep comes and lasts for up to 8 hours or more.
I don't like to use medications, (which I would imagine, most don't like to do), but, as we know, we are treating symptoms, not necessarily trying to cure anything. The sleep/quiet times are welcome after several hours of nonstop incoherent talking/asking questions.
Our family did consider a Memory Care several months ago, when the incontinence began, but I decided it wasn't quite time and are trying to keep her at home for now. Sorry to be so lengthy, but I will certainly be open to suggestions and look forward to reading what others are doing. Praying for patience, strength, and wisdom.