I survived suicide attempts

( Overwhelmed)- and that is sure what life feels like most of time, at least if we live mostly ion the road of depression-it will feel that way. Even as a Chaplain for 45 year -I have many days dealing with depression/PTSD. In short what helps me in reading of the Psalm's, and siting eye ball to eye ball we a really good friend- not just a passing friend, but a real friend and let it out, as well as the tears and the focus of what you feel is bring you down to such a place -as depression or Despair , I'm not asking what you believe or what church you attend, doesn't matter for me, God matters to me-can I tell Him what I feel, in no uncertain words- I think He is big enough to handle our depression. JJAMES. God Bless you my friend.

I like this JJames. I don't know how to do old.I will be 68 in April. I don't ask anything of my children even though
their dad left, he is not well, physical plus mental. Doesn't change the isolation factor for me. I just thought I would choose
quality of life not quantity. I spent 3 hours with Christ followers this morning and if I had not I don't know if I would
have made it through the day. They are real, not just caring a name "Christian" which anyone can do.
They understand and have those same thoughts and can help deal with it without Bible bashing, as some call
it. Just because a person is in church doesn't make him a christian. Ya know the devil, it is said sits on the
front seat at church. I listen to David Jeremiah, now and I have to hear it over and over. God loves Me and He Always
Will in the darkest pit in whatever the circumstance. This may not make sense, but we all struggle and God knows
and if you seek Him he has promised you will find Him.

My ex spouse was supportive at the beginning of my medical situation last Feb. everyone was........... and now it is totally
different, everyone left Always remember the church is like a hosptial for sick people that mind set will free you from
being hurt. It is our culture.
I can tell you for a fact in my case the constant mental anguish from the rejection of a spouse is worse than being
alone. The mental rejection pain would have killed me. That would have been Satan's way to finish me off. "Screw Tape Letters" C. L. Lewis

Liz- I can relate to what you have written and you are spot on : when you said the rejection of ones spouse is far from overwhelming- one feels so alone- Thank God He is there for us, when no one else if. CS Lewis is awesome, I always try and remember what God said- I will never leave you or forsake you- as the world does, in my prayers jjames

LIz. all I say- is Amen, and Amen. God knows we don't need a sermon from someone- but unconditional love and grace. jjames

I finally figured out how to get to this group. We've been a quiet bunch.

I'm supposed to get a spinal cord stimulator implant soon, and the first step was to have a psychiatric assessment. I met with the pain psychologist, and I really click with him. Trouble is, he's booked out for 3 weeks, and it's still a week to go before I can see him again.

I've been going through a rough patch the past month or two, more depressed, and having more thoughts about death. I know I really need help right now.

Our daughter is going to have a baby girl around March 19. My wife is flying out on the 7th to be with her, and she'll be gone for a month. Our daughter lives in New Hampshire right now, so far away from Oregon. I'm thankful that her husband is being transferred to Alameda, CA, in July, which means we'll get to see them much more often. Right now, that's what is keeping me alive.

Time for me to get to sleep. I'm trying to get over a cold I've had for two weeks.

Jim

Hi Jim,

It's been a while. I was looking for you before X-Mas. Wondering how you were doing. I just feel you and I seem to be walking a similar tightrope. I did not realize that you were waiting to have SCS surgery. That was my last and only hope to alleviate my CRPS pain. Originally I saw the Neurosurgeon who appeared to be really nice. Following a review of my file (I had, had ketamine infusion treatments a year earlier which did not work) & a few more questions and a physical assessment he had me get a MRI done so that he was prepared with a clear view of my spine. After this was done he said that we would set a date for surgery. Unfortunately, for me the process changed whilst I was waiting for my SCS surgery. As you mentioned, part of the new process here in Canada now entailed a psychiatric assessment amongst other things now stretching out the process and justifying more jobs etc. in an already stretched healthcare system!
Also unfortunate for me was the fact that the woman in charge of the new Pain Centre did not even believe in CRPS.
Long story short...I was denied the SCS surgery. I was told that I had something wrong with me but it was not CRPS (but she refused to treat me even though she acknowledged that there was something definitely wrong with me). She did not refer me any where or offer me next steps. This was ridiculous especially since we have public healthcare so there are no other options once I walked out the door. That particular hospital is the only one in our province that offers that surgery. Ultimately I went back to the Neurosurgeon since he had confirmed my diagnosis (he was probably the sixth doctor to confirm). He kept bringing up more things for me to do in order for me to have the surgery. Finally, I confronted him about it. I told him he was just playing games with me. One of the things that he said was that I needed to deal with my depression. I told him that the reason I was so depressed was because of everything that this CRPS has done to my life. He accused me of yelling at him and I said that I was not yelling, I may be getting loud though. So I apologized for that, but I got the feeling that he was just really angry with the fact that I dared confront him. As with many "brain surgeons" I believe he was a narcissist. I asked my family doctor for the report that came in from him and as I suspected he mentioned not only that I had yelled at him (of course no mention of my apology). Then even more shocking was the fact that the last three visits he had sent my family doctor reports saying that he denied me the surgery. I guess he expected my family doctor to say something, which he did not. So finally in his last report he entered a whole whack of lies that basically covered all of the acceptable reasons that a doctor was allowed to "fire the patient" . This would ensure I would not, could not go back!!!!!!
Three things have since transpired. 1). The head of the Pain Clinic retired. 2).My husband died and finally 3). My Neurosurgeon is in jail.....for killing his wife and shoving her in a suitcase, driving north and sticking the suitcase under a bridge near a river!!! Apparently, he was abusive to her... She was also a very well respected doctor. They had three young children, which I feel terribly for.
But I am so tempted to go and see him. Mainly because a few patients are down at the courts supporting him because he operated on them & changed their lives. Unfortunately, they haven't seen the real him as I have. Although, I know that even if he had operated on me and it worked, I would be thankful, however I would NEVER support him.....He is more than likely a murderer.
I got to experience a little of the "other side of him".

So Jim you see yourself being able to let some of that depression go if you are able to get the SCS surgery soon? Is it mainly rooted in the pain or is there more to it?
I will be your cheerleader and support Jim (maybe that will be some support for me....knowing that you will soon get relief).

Hang in there for us Jim!!! Plus hey you are going to have a new baby granddaughter soon. Is this your first?

Oh, my! You've been through a lot! I'm fortunate to have a good team of doctors, with the possible exception of the scs surgeon, whom I haven't actually even met. They lose records that my doctors send and have never returned my calls. My wife is flying out on the 7th, and will be gone for a month, so I may have to put off the process until April. I don't know of any doctor having lied about me. That's incredibly unethical! Your experience sounds like a good story line for a reality show.

I'll leave yet another message with the scs doctor this afternoon.

I know that chronic pain is contributing to depression and other mental health issues, but the pain didn't get bad until maybe 3 or 4 years ago, and I've been treated for major depression for around 13 years. I've been working through a lot of things over those years.

Please remind me what CRPS is.

Thanks for your supportive words.

Jim

Hi Jim,

I have actually suffered with depression on & off since I was 13. Unfortunately, it is only now that they are really speaking about mental illness
and investment in our Healthcare System. The couple of psychologists that I saw were terrible, not to mention the fact that you had to wait for weeks in between appointments. My closest attempt was ridiculous. They had to bring in a doctor out of retirement in order to just release me....Nothing much else was done.
Frankly I know the end will come soon for me. I cannot handle my Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) much longer. I am on maximum dosage for my meds. I know at some point the pain meds will no longer be effective for me. I already am experiencing this with my breakthrough pain meds. I started out only needing to take one 8mg pill when I experienced breakthrough pain and now I am up to 6 x 8mg. = 48 mg. and I am only prescribed enough for a maximum of 10 per day. So once I have one episode of breakthrough pain I do not have enough for a second or third etc. Not only is the pain getting worse, it is spreading throughout my body. I am not sure how much longer I am going to be able to get around with just my canes and scooters. My husband use to be my support and now I have none. My daughter, while not the best support she was the closest to me and she has now moved to Nova Scotia (by the Atlantic Ocean).
I already spend many nights crying in pain. Nights seem to be the worst. I speak to my husband's urn when I can barely take it any more.
It is very frustrating as well when there are so many doctors that have never heard of my condition or don;t believe in it. Every time ( I have had to
be taken to the hospital by ambulance around 3 times in the last few years ) I get in the ambulance they ask me about my condition's name over and over again. Then they get to the hospital and say the same thing to the doctors. They also are alarmed at all my meds. especially my pain meds. They treat me like I am some sort of a junkie and ignore me practically for hours. Before my husband would show up and be my advocate. I just am sick of having to endure living like this. I don't even have anything to look forward to any more they are not working on any other treatments here right now and even if they were they won't try the SCS surgery on me. Not to mention I do not have much energy to fight the fight any more. If the shoe were on the other foot I bet they would be on the operating table in a hurry.
Jim I am sorry that you are dealing with so much but please fight to get the surgery done. I am sure with the pain you are experiencing potentially off the table, it may not rid you of your depression but I am sure that it will lessen it to some extent.
Now it is my turn to be very tired and try to get a little bit of sleep or at least close my eyes to rest them.
Keep in touch Jim. Please.

I've not had doctors take my pain or conditions lightly. As soon as I say the word suicide, or tell them where my depression is, they listen. Once I get started with a therapist, I've always been able to get weekly sessions, and more often if things were intense. I've been told by doctors to call them if I need to talk, as well. One real challenge has been that unless I work with the hospital behavioral health, I can't find any therapist because they don't take Medicare clients. That is true for any doctor. They can accept what Medicare allows and not charge me for anything above that, or they can choose not to accept Medicare allocations, which means either self-pay or having other health insurance.

I hope that you won't get to the place where you can no longer live with the plan. None of us want to get to that point, though I understand how that feels, having been there, with emotional pain rather than physical. Now it's a combination. Even though I'm at the point of overdosing, I am still at peace because I know that I'm prepared to transition to heaven. Without that knowledge, my feelings of hopelessness would be much, much worse. If you don't understand what I'm talking about, I can be more specific.

I just got a call from the doctor's office, and have the implanting of the trial scs scheduled for April, after my wife gets back home. Now, at least I have something to look forward to.

I bought some new used wheels and tires last week, and I need to paint them down in my cellar, so I should get to work on them.

I'll be praying for you, and I would welcome your prayers.

Jim