I survived suicide attempts

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I'm inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don't want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

I have several things I can do. Read the Bible, pray, acknowledge the thought, remember the reasons I want to live, and right now, wanting to see our daughter's first baby, due in March. I think that all of the cognitive therapy I've received over the past ten years is finally taking hold.

Jimhd- Since I was 12 I have read my Bible- and now at 71- lives to serve through two wars and I served as a chaplain at 9/11 for NYPD- from Phoenix. I say that (ONLY) because I have never found life to be easy, always hard and a real challenge - I believe no where does it say God says it's going to be easy, or there would be no need for faith-thank for you sharing, it has helped me already by your words and your endurance. JJ

Jim- thank for your courage in sharing about a hard subject-suicide, I believe Jim that many more people think about it than we've ever know- life today especially is hard( harder than the 50's-in my book anyway) The young soldiers I work with tell me, they feel no hope anymore in America- that they would rather be with their buddies in Iraq or wherever, why -because it's their family and I do understand, has been my family for 44 years plus, and I don't find the same caring spirit than I have in the Military. Yet-we have such a raise in suicide, the Army is the highest, and then the Marine's are second " combat troops-mostly infantry soldiers and Marines" They see the worse of humanity- and then come home to " what is for the most part- no purpose, no order, no one looking out for the other person. it's all about them-has you have heard many people say I'm sure. But, we both know there are good people in every city- but sometimes we have to look a little harder and be the first one to speak out and show kindness to those who are hurting, or even hold the door for someone-even if they don't say thank you. If I can share with everyone - there is " I believe one of the best books ever written about Suicide" The author was a Russia/Jewish Man to came to LA, Calif. in the mid-50 to become a medical doctor at UCLA, but after a few years and hearing so much about the raise then in suicide- he decided to do both and became ( The founder in suicide prevention- as a Doctor in Psychiatristry) . He has written many book about the subject and taught at UCLA and Marian University in WI, The book have read and re-read many times is titles: "Suicide As Psychache" about the loss of innocent an the mental pain that is connected to the thoughts of suicide. AS a Chaplain for the last 38 years I have counseled many soldiers and police officers ref: to suicide, No please don't think -I'm an expert- that is a big NO and not possible anyway, I believe the only One who can really see inside a person and their mind is God and only God. But we all should be alert for those who maybe hurting so much that their way out of the pain is suicide- we all need a life line " all of us, doesn't matter who they are or we are- or what profession- we need each other and to be able to listen and never judge. The pain in our minds-can be just as real as a serious Illness. Your thoughts. Johjames

Thanks for the invite Colleen. The only thing that keeps me from the brink now ( I was revived from my last attempt) is worrying that if I screw it up I could suffer terrible brain damage.....this would be on top of my current physical disability caused by CRPS. My late husband, as you know died in late May from a "surprise" diagnosis (just 6 weeks previous to) of colon cancer, pulled me from the brink, the last time.
P.S. While I do respect everyone's faith choices, and I am happy that they have that to turn to in their time of need. I am not religious myself, and I hope that you respect that as my choice.

Overwhelmed, I'm really sorry about your husband and the loss that it affects in and around your whole life.I'm sorry you are suffering from so much of what I would call-Heavy Trauma: and it would be hard for anyone to carry it alone; Yes, my faith does help me in times of such pain and feeling alone where no one seems to really care- and even with faith we still need the human touch and listening ear. Many call it a " life Line" which is that person we can trust with out lives and trust with are deep secrets, of pain and the feelings of just giving up on life- because of the mental pain and the lack of purpose and real hope. But know whatever you believe or not- people care about you and we don't want you to feel alone or that there is no options left. There is, and people and friends have to step up and hold your hand as long as it takes- until the hope of innocent and purpose begins to surround you again and it can and will with time and having others help carry your burden. You are in my prays and I hope you know I'm not nor anyone I would bet is in anyway judging or listening to your needs any difference and the important of now feeling alone. Make sense I pray. JJAMES.

Jim, I believe by talking about suicide out loud and with other people- that in itself is a positive step. Jim, when you can- take sheet of paper, sit down in a quiet place where you won't be bothered by other people or noise, write down on the front sheet- the reasons you believe would lead you to suicide and try and write down why? And than on the back page, write down what you would like to do with your life- is there a goal that's important to you? are you meeting with other people for fun-just to talk and have coffee( for example) think about why you would really want to die, if there something that is overwhelming that you can fix it- if not- have to asked for help for anyone- that's hard for allot of us, as a Chaplain and former Infantry Soldier, I feel weak at times asking for help-as I should be able to answer my own questions about depression and why I feel hopeless. I want to be able to serve again somewhere- and when you have to retire- for most anyway-it's leaves a big hole in your life, your day, your purpose- you ask your self is life over and now I'm worthless and can't offer anything to any body. You train in the Military everyday and you see soldiers at Walter Reed for example, pray with them, talk with their family and their children- being able to help them with lodging and toys- food and transportation- then all of a sudden- they hand you your discharge - and the next day you don't put on the uniform and there isn't PT call to run 2 miles( well-that one I can pass on) but my point is depression. If you don't mind me sharing with you about the man of God ( Elijah,) he had been in a major battle against Gods enemies and was on the run- a man to showed and lived his faith( A man of great faith the Scripture tell us, yet all of a sudden he became very tired and fearful of those chasing him and fell on his knees and prays that God will take his life- that he didn't want to live anymore under such circumstances- he really wanted to die( but God wasn't angry or called him weak or anything negative- He said lay down, sleep and the angels will bring you food and drink until you are rested and ready to re-join the ranks. I don't know Jim if any of this helps- Your worth more than you might think or feel right now. But please know your not alone. JJames````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

Overwhelmed I also hope you find comfort and support in conversations

johnjames this task you are asking jim to have you used before with others and what has the outcome been, reading what you wrote was interesting to me and I am curious about its history and response

Over,

When I was first suicidal, I wasn't dealing with any significant pain issue. Depression took a nosedive, partly because of slander and libel, directed at me. A few messed up women constructed false rumors about me in the tiny town we were living in. I was already depressed, and the circumstances, added to the chemical imbalance in my brain, dumped me into a deep, dark hole. Being in that place, I experienced all of the symptoms of clinical depression, hopelessness, worthlessness, irrational thinking...

Suicide began to appear to be the only way out, and I believed that it was the rational solution. I knew the cliché, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but being in that place, words didn't have any effect on me, of course.

As I said the other day, what keeps me safe now are my family, my faith and therapy. Even so, I do have times when I find myself too close to the brink, as you put it. My wife is glad that I'm safer now, so she doesn't have to worry every day about becoming a widow.

I've been a follower of Jesus all my life, and yes, that does give strength during the hard times. But it isn't religion that gives me hope and peace and a reason to live. Religion doesn't produce those things, at least not for the long term. Relationship is the only thing that can do that.

Spirituality is part of who we are as humans. I'm sure you already understand that. People who take care of the spiritual part of them do it in a variety of ways, some more effective than others. I don't regret having followed Christ as my spiritual source. His Spirit living in me gives me the hope that I need to keep living, and he gives me the assurance that regardless when or how I die, I'll spend eternity with him in Heaven, wherever that is.

Anyway, I'm glad that you expressed your respect for people with "religious" faith. I respect others whose faith is different from mine, as well.

I'm very sorry that you live with such intractable pain. I hope that each of us finds some level of relief.