No Longer a Caretaker. What am I?

@billiekip You are still a wife, still a partner. This now falls under the aspects of the vows "in sickness and in health". Please don't forget to take care of yourself, too.
Ginger

Billie - agree with the previous comment. You are still a wife
and caregiver. You lovingly sought to provide a better level of care for your spouse. I would recommend a CBT therapist for you to help ease your thoughts of guilt.
Also,
I am considering that step for my Mom who has Mixed Dementia/Alzheimers. It must be very tough to make the decision- but it is a sound and loving decision to make.

Bless you for all you have done to keep you both together, but the care is no longer possible and you need a life too. I hope someone says that to me someday.
My husband is still doing ok most of the time. He has MCI that is progressing. We just put our deposit down for a new independent living apt under construction to be completed in 2026. It is part of a CCRC with all levels of care. Eventually he will need memory care but I am hoping to keep us “together” as long as possible in the new apt. My fear is he will progress faster than its completion and he would not be able to enjoy it with me.
We would still be “together” except in different living spaces but within the same complex.
Right now I have help a day or two a week and I know I will need more. And I will have help there.
You have done what you can and you will continue to be there for your husband but as his partner and favorite companion.
I know guilt is part of this and can’t tell you to stop feeling but if it’s at all helpful, you are still taking care of him by getting him the best care.
57 years of marriage is quite a journey and the love story continues with a different twist.

I haven’t placed a spouse for care, but I did place a relative. I was responsible for my cousin’s care, after she got dementia. After seeing it was not possible for me to care for her in her home, I found an excellent Memory Care facility. Caregiving does not end after placement. There are many responsibilities that continue. She relied on me a lot and my visits were vital. I will say that much of the strain of daily hand’s on care is relieved.

I was fortunate in that I never felt guilt over the placement, only pride that I had done the right thing. Caring for someone 24/7 solo who has substantial need just isn’t feasible. It’s not fair to either person. I realized what she really needed and arranged it.

I hope you will feel better as you get a chance to adjust Some people with dementia settle in and seem comfortable, but others might not. I observed many residents with dementia over the six years I cared for my cousin. I found that sometimes with dementia a person might not be able be content or happy no matter where they are. Meds can help, but it’s not always apparent. I learned to temper my expectations.

After a couple of weeks, my cousin thought she was living in her new apartment and liked it a lot. She adored her new friends there, though they didn’t really talk to each other.

I am an 81 year old wife caring for my husband of over 45 years who has ALS. He is 93 and so the downhill progression is slow. I am so grateful for that. But , I am stuck in our condo 24/7 as he refuses a PSW and none of his 5 kids and wait for it, 9 grandkids will help me. In fact, I have to bug them to come and see him. Today his middle daughter and one adult grandson are coming. for at most one hour! No issues with him, it’s me, their stepmother they dislike. Back to your issue. At our ages we can’t do what we did two,years ago, or even a year ago. Being a caregiver has risks for,those who love and will not abandon their loved ones. But you will be no help to him or anyone else if you allow yourself to be run down or become ill. Stress can be very serious or even deadly for senior seniors. Guilt is a useless emotion as it takes us no where. Making thoughtful decisions, is the answer. Both your husband and you are in a transitional phase. Try to accept it slowly, and learn to reject all the negative thoughts that fly through your brain. I personally honour and respect you. For as my story will tell you, I know that the journey you’ve been on and are now on, is so very hard. G-d bless you and keep you safe.

Billiekip I have been following you on this path for quite some times with love and admiration for your strength, commitment, love, and desire to do the best you can for the man you love dearly! You are as close to superwoman as I have seen and there is no guilt to ever be played on superwoman’s shoulders! You need a break just as the home suggested so your husband can grow into the comfort of his new surroundings and you need a little vacation to rest, breathe, and regroup. I have often thought ahead of myself about what we will do when living together is no longer right and that fear is real but at 80, your job is not done - it is just changing and I know you are strong enough to evolve to the change. I am praying for you. As trite as getting a pet may seem for company, even a fish which takes very little care may bring ng you a living focus during this transition and give your self time to rest and live another day❤️

I hear you.

Years ago I heard my husband tell a dear friend who's mother had just gone into memory care that perhaps her job, her role now, was to bear witness.

I was pushing to move to our next home, so that we would have time to enjoy it together. Unfortunately, we only had 5 months together here...and it was a stressful time. The quick drive over to my husband's facility helps me to feel more connected. The more often I go there, I am getting to know the caretakers and know, for sure, that he is in good hands. My guilt is dwindling, but the profound sadness may never go away. I think your plan is a good one. I hope your husband's MCI slows down and gives you plenty of time to make friends as a couple to sustain you when he needs more care.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I've had dogs and cats in the past, and no, I don't want to take care of them now. I'm flat out of nurture. 17 years of teaching elementary school and then caring for my husband has depleted my cache for now. I do have a house plant named Roxy. I am evolving as a life partner but also as a person. I so appreciate you and all of the people who take the time to share on this site. It has been so helpful and uplifting to me when I've felt depleted. I've reached acceptance of the situation and have no doubts about moving my husband into professional care. Now, I am working on my own health and finding small treats and surprises to bring to my husband to brighten his day. People can do hard things.

You got this girl!!!