No Longer a Caretaker. What am I?

Posted by billiekip @billiekip, Oct 26 10:55am

I read a suggestion about a book to read when I realized that I am no longer a caretaker. There really is no title for what I am. My husband has ALZ and hasn't recognized me for months, so I'm not a wife. On Monday I placed him in a Memory Care Facility 4 minutes from our home, so I'm not a caretaker. I am 80 and wasn't able to sustain my caretaking role as his ALZ progressed. I've reached out to people who have gone on the same journey, and they've said the placement was harder than the subsequent death of their spouse. Amen to that. I'm shredded. When I have visited, he gets up to leave with me and is totally agitated when he can't. I represent the key to the door, so I was asked to not visit for a week or more to help him get acclimated. As relieved as I feel regarding not physically taking care of him, I am wracked with guilt. We both have worked hard during our 57 years of marriage, and here I am in a lovely home, and he is in a room --overlooking a garden...but still just a room. This is an awful position. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I was treading water before as a caretaker, but now I feel like the guilt is a wave that has inundated me completely. If anyone else has taken this step and their loved one has come to accept the situation, I would appreciate some feedback. I am a wounded soldier sharing your trenches.

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billiekip | @billiekip | 2 days ago

First and foremost, get a notebook and takes notes on odd behavior. I can go back two years and realize I didn't see what was really happening. I thought our marriage was shaky and older people just bickered in their dotage. It helps to see your thoughts on paper; it gives you evidence when you see a physician. It keeps you from being gaslighted and from thinking that it your fault. This was all happening before a critical fall and a subsequent diagnosis of ALZ. Having the diagnosis was a relief because then I knew for sure I was dealing with a debilitating disease and not just a cranky old man. I am out of the caregiving role now that my husband is in a Memory Care facility. I visit most days for two hours. I look forward to seeing him now and can be the happy cheerful person I used to be. I like me better, and I'm sure he does too.