At what point are you considered alone forever?

Yesterday was my 90th birthday. I am still amazed that I have lived so long. It turned out to be a lovely day, but I am under no illusions that all days will be like that. I have mentioned in some previous posts that I am awkward around people. So I have now made a decision that I am not going to try anymore. I have a couple of friends in my community and that will have to be enough. At this point I realize that even though now I am healthy things will start to go downhill and there are not many more years ahead. But that's okay. I had a wonderful husband and we travelled so I have been to so many places around the world. Now is my downtime and when it comes I will be ready.

. I’m 66 now. But I knew at age 50 I’d be alone forever. After 2 bad marriages, and countless failed relationships, I’d had enough of trying to find someone. I can truly say I don’t believe I was ever loved as I should be.
Am I lonely, yes! But the thought of being vulnerable again scares me, and the idea of dealing with someone’s quirks , routine, social chitchat and general BS exhausts me .

I truly hope you have thought long and well on your statement, "I am awkward around people," as the reason for not bothering to have more than your current two friends. I say this out of my extensive interest in and around the subject of 'friends,'

So this is how I look at your statement: One can say I am awkward around babies, around noisy crowds, even funerals and pets and tattooed heavily, or with Down Syndrome++ ... and I will still have no problem understanding and agreeing with that statement of yours.

The reason I feel unease with your words is simply because depending upon one or two close friends to fill up our need for friends in our current society is too inadequate. I think the consensus is five close friends whom one could call for help whenever that need arises.

So my hope is that you did dig deeper when you say 'because I feel awkward.' It's the quality of the reasons behind that I find missing and therefore it troubles me because you might say later : But why did I not flesh out What did 'feeling awkward' mean when I already Have Two (people) friends, whom I Enjoy spending time with?

In the end it's Your life and You have to be fully satisfied with Your decisions, as we all need to, to have a practical understanding of how one's life can be measured as 'good enough/not bad' a measure I set for my life knowing well the constraints I must live it within.
I Wish u Well,

As for myself, I'd give away happily ten hours each week for five friends. Yes, I work for developing friendships many hours each day

I am so very sorry that you are having difficulties in your relationship. My wife and I have both done counseling individually and during some difficulties, we did get in couples counseling.

It absolutely helped.

I know that many many people are resistant to getting into counseling, so I know that may not be possible.

Another thing you can try, if he won't do it, get in counseling yourself and with your counselor discuss the relationship and see if there are not ways to repair it some.

So, I would not give up on it, not just yet. As far as his disconnect and inability to connect with you deeper. I think it is possible to make progress in that arena. And the solutions might be very very simple. Finding his heart through the difficulties of life? He may need a certain kind of time, a kind of warm up period for his heart to engage? Oh, who knows, he may like talking about the old neighborhood and that awakens the spark in his eye and after a few minutes of talk about that, he is generally more open.

But, you know, there may be keys to bringing that nice heart to the fore. And, you know, the idea would be that the conversations with the therapist might open up some ideas for you.

So, you know, help him win his heart back...not just for you, but for him also. Anyone disconnected is lost and in pain too.

As far as what you wrote:

"And I certainly ruminate on my contribution to this dynamic, as I have ruminated all my life, wondering why I cannot find the kind of deep, soulful connection I crave, while looking in every possible way for it. And, especially like you said so clearly: "I can truly say I don't believe I was ever loved as I should be". "

True confession here....I am a former monastic. And I still think a lot, through that world. The only reason I mention it is that, I am not sure folks quite understand that, in the monastic life, we are searching for that kind of connection...through God. And the point being, it is a life long search. Very difficult. And whether you are searching for that kind of love and connection in regular society or the monastic hill...either way is going to be, you know, the major work of your life.

I think we hear so many wonderful stories about life, we presume that the search for the deepest connection is just a walk in the park. And, in my experience with myself, my monastic friends and in life, in general...that journey is very very hard work, for us all.

And, I also think, the vast majority of marriage relationships, romantic relationships, also struggle for that kind of deep connection. I don't think it comes easy to anyone.

Now, the point of that is not to say...oh, well, we are all cursed and life is doom. No. The point of that is to try and much more deeply respect the bits of connection we do get...and to keep working for more.

And to not discount the bits of connection we do get...as valuable to us as they are. Whether that is with a nice pet, a friendly conversation with a cashier, a card from a relative, whatever.

Take it all in. View it all as a gift from the universe.

Get out, do some volunteer work and connect with others that way. For me, that always is an injection of hope and joy.

As far as deep spiritual experiences of connection? What we are taught in the monastery is that the basic foundation and seed of all deep spiritual experiences is peace. Now that is an easy word to type, but its meaning is broad. And it certainly means a level of patience that few of us engage. That is a huge secret. Within deep patience is accepting of all things.

One saint wrote: be like the earth, absorbing the entirety of all misery in calm acceptance.

That kind of deep patience and maybe even the word "long-suffering" allows our consciousness to glean depth that is always there, but we just "walk by."

Where is the gold?

This is the question that we all ask ourselves.

And most often the answer is...right in front of us...and all the time..but we have not allowed ourselves that deeper dive...because it is very nuanced or maybe fragile even. And we just keep walking by it.

Generally that is the case with folks. Certainly with me. I know it is not an issue for others. But with others, obstructions to the deepest spiritual feelings are just other issues.

One great saint fell into deep connection with God, watching the beauty of some geese flying overhead.

Another fell into deep connection with God, watching a tree in the wind, in winter.

Is it just a tree? But, like a painter, take a deeper look at its lines, its bark, the nuances of color.
And then, apparently, the saint could go deeper still.

This is part of the meaning of "be still and know that I am God." That if we still our anxieties and energies and nervousness and on...and come to great calmness...God that is always there, starts to show....

I don't know if this is waxing didactic. I have brain damage from carbon monoxide poisoning. Not easy for me to connect with others anymore. Trying to share, not preach.

Anyway....best wishes to you and hubby.

I happily lived alone most of my life. I was ok and very happy with that. I met a man, 16 years younger than I in 2009 and we lived together- a hard adjustment for me- until last month when I had to throw him out, reason unimportant. I am 70 now, no relatives, sisters, brothers, daughters or sons. I have never felt so alone but worried more that if something happened to me there is nobody to take care of my pets and I need to stay healthy every day for t he rest of my life. They are all I have now.

@sharonmcnight I am 72-years old and I live with a partner. He and I have both carefully worked with an attorney to plan our wills. I figure at some point I will be alone and while it will be a huge adjustment I know I can get through it.

I volunteer in the animal shelter and welfare community where I live. I don't have any family in the area where I live. I do have a brother and niece who are in California but that's far away from where I live in Michigan.

We see so many pets come through shelters because their person became very ill, went to assisted living residences, long term care facilities, or passed away. For this reason I included my pets in my will. I thought this out carefully with my attorney while revising my will. Michigan law allows for pets to be included in a trust so you may like to check in to that in the state where you reside.

I named an executor who I trust to carry out the wishes in my will and trust.

I don't refer to my pets by name because I may have other pets in the future or my current pets may be gone (through death) by the time I die. I name friends in my will who have agreed to care for my pets should something happen to me. I talked with these friends ahead of time in order to come to an agreement and I've left funds in my will to care for my pets. I also state in my will that none of my pets can be surrendered to an animal shelter.

I am saying all of this because if you are like me you consider your pets to be your family. I want to stay healthy for as long as I am able and to have my pets by my side.

Here is some information from the Best Friends Society on Estate Planning for Pets:

-- https://bestfriends.org/pet-care-resources/estate-planning-pets-preparing-will-or-trust

Thank you so much! That isn't the issue as much as becoming ill, maybe needing a medical procedure, etc. I cannot be laid up for a single day now as these guys will not be properly tended to, let alone the cleaning I do and tending to them before even starting my day. I have been rescuing for many, many years. Thanks for your compassion with the animals!

I have a diagnosis of PTSD due to child abuse. I have been made to feel that I am inadequate as a person, therefore I am awkward. I have had counselling. But I didn't leave home until I finally had the courage to do so in my middle 20's. Still, though, I feel different and other. I am better when I get to know people on a one on one basis. So at this time I only have two friends. I have a couple of other friends who are further away. We still keep in touch via email and phone, but that is my life. I do not measure my life. I am at the end now. So it is what it is.