Transition time is difficult

The phase that one's abilities are not what they were is so difficult. And I am sure it is harder for some than others. I am sorry for the added anxiety of 'let's pretend' adds to the problems you must handle. My revelation that politeness would never keep him safe was the extra bank charges for transfers from a savings account to a checking account to cover checks about to bounce. In the three months it took to unravel the steady drift of his mind, it became apparent I had to step up and forget about hurting his feelings. We have always lived peaceably. Drama is not our style, but on the day he decided to take back the reconciliation of the checkbooks, I tried to reason. Well, you know where that gets you. I didn't know I had it in me, but I yelled, "Never". I would not let him undo hard work. He had to accept that I was in his corner. And, insistence to not gracefully give up his jobs, would only leave us both unsafe. All at raised decibels. I think it shocked both of us. -- Like your husband, my husband was a capable man. He was a manager for a tech company, built two homes, wired them both, and maintained our present house while clearing my honey-do list daily. But I have taken over all I once relied on him to do. In the past years, I have supervised the installation of a sprinkling system, a whole house generator, a new roof, and leaf gutters. Had the house painted and found lawn care people and tree removers. New carpeting throughout the house required a month of staging. A garage door opener has replaced the one that died, and the out-of-code mailbox is no more. In its place is a bigger one that accommodates medium-sized packages. It was a lot of work, but everything done was with the vision of keeping us safe, keeping us in our home, and making life easier. -- At first, I was wary of consulting my husband. I would assess his mood and the time of day and ensure I had information to share that put his mind at ease. It has taken patience and some missteps, but he seems content that I am now the majordomo. Yesterday was my 87th birthday, and I am still learning. -- I often had sneak conversations on the phone with workmen or discussed an issue on the porch for a pre-meeting meeting. Take the workmen into your confidence and assess them of the reality of your situation. They will be allies. Take notes. And ask questions over and over until you understand how a system works. You are paying them for service. Let them serve. The transition will be hard, but with your loved one's safety at stake, as well as your own sanity, the only thing to do is take charge. Best of Luck, GloRo

We have always (OK, ALMOST always) had a wonderful, equal relationship. Household “chores” were based not on gender, but on whatever needed doing (and his talents are more finance oriented than mine!) this “Let’s pretend” stuff is not working for me. Thankfully, I am a very patient person…slow to anger unless someone gets angry with me first, which has happened a few times of late. I will draw on that patience and the knowledge that I come from a long line of strong women.
I’m so sorry you had to have raised voices about the transfer of power re: checkbook, but as you said, it was necessary to keep you both safe.

Sometimes things seem so “normal”, so “like it’s always been”! Other times, not so much.

You not only sound wise but strong…and able to look at things pragmatically. I will take some advice from this post, for sure!

Be well and stay strong, GloRo! And Happy Birthday! I hope you did something for YOU.

2me@2me Yes, transition IS difficult and I too am thankful I have found a place here to get advice and suggestions that we need during this journey that we are all going through. For the first couple of years I felt that Tom and I were the only ones going through what we were going through and then I found this group... and what a relief it was to see that we are NOT alone in this.!!!! It just comes at different times and stages. Now that I look back I was saying too much about things, cuz he wouldn't/couldn't understand and then he'd get upset or frustrated or agitated so then I backed off on those conversations and just give him little bits of info and that has worked out much better for us. It was a difficult transition because we always had great conversations, whether significant or otherwise and I miss those cuz I have to think if i'm making the right decision. My husband also has aphasia so that makes its more difficult cuz he can't express his feelings or say what he wants to without it being frustrating for both of us, And what worked maybe a couple months ago isn't working this time, and so yes, transition is difficult but i keep telling myself that I love this man with my entire being and will do anything to make it easier for both of us, but mainly for him. So don't give up and come here when you need to. I live in a somewhat remote/rural area so getting to in-person support groups is difficult because there's nothing real local and I have to travel at least 30-45 minutes away , so i am glad this support group is here. 🙂
It's taken me 3 years ( Tom is 63) to realize that i need to take time for myself and do things by myself and that has been hard because we did alot together and I miss him terribly so yes, transition IS difficult.
Big big hugs to you!!! I know you're doing the best you can and yes we'll make mistakes on the way but just think of your loved one and what they must going through and as long as we're here for them for whatever they need,
we'll get through this... at least that's what i believe deep down in my heart because I love Tom with my entire being and will walk 1000 miles for the love of my life.
Thinking positive thoughts for you!!!

Dear bayviewgal,
Thanks so much for this! Yes, I’m finding I need to say less about things that we always used to discuss or consult each other about.
I’m surely not going to give up; sorry if anything I said implied that. We have been married 50 years, and he is my very best friend.
Yes, you do need to carve out time to do things for yourself, and kudos to you for knowing that!
I do need to allow myself to make mistakes…there is no manual for navigating this, as we are all different as is each situation.
Hugs back to you, and thanks for your heart-felt note! Best wishes…hope to see you again on here.

My journey into this rabbit hole started in earnest a year and a half ago when symptoms worsened to the point I thought my husband was having mini strokes. I was terrified and it took 6 months to see a neurologist for testing to learn we were dealing dementia and aphasia not strokes. The fear of our unknown future was almost unbearable. Looking back, I realize this had been slowly coming on for years and we (mostly me) have learned how to live with changes, the fears, the desperate attempts to keep him going at the best level possible. My ability to deal with it all changes daily but the love and memories I have for this man keep me going and the smiles he gives me are a great reward. Finding the support here has been life altering and I thank all my sisters and brothers for your holding hand. Let us all remember that someone out there is feeling our same pain and we can help each other. God Bless you all!

I feel you and you have to care also for yourself we as caregivers go thru it all get some help from a family member u need it I hope there’s someone to help in my case it’s me my husband works I telephone care of my mother-in-law with dementia no clue what stage she’s in I think muffle good luck to you dear

Your comments and insight reassure me that this journey doesn't have to be so lonely. My husband and I will celebrate 54 years of marriage in August. The past 9 years I have seen him change. He is very kind until he's not. He's more easily agitated and can be very difficult to deal with. I am learning the word "okay" works best during those times otherwise it escalates into a shouting session between us without any resolution. He's been diagnosed with MCI, however I believe he is progressing to dementia. His father, aunt and cousin were all diagnosed with alzheimers. Thank for allowing me to share my story. Bless all the caregivers and patients dealing with this challenging disease.

@peggypierce
Congratulations on your 54 years of marriage! It’s so difficult, watching one you have loved so much for so long change before your eyes…and I fear we are in the same situation…the neurologist doesn’t see it, but he doesn’t live with the situation, either. My husband’s sister and cousin died of Alzheimer’s, so this is very scary for him as well. Take good care of yourself, and come here when you need to! Thanks for the suggestion of just saying “okay”…sometimes less is more.

Get your ducks in a row. NOW. My husband always did the finances, but when I started to see thing go awry, I told him it was my turn. Math is not my thing at all, but, trust me, you need to start doing your family finances. The ALZ ball will pick up speed downhill; you will have no time, energy, or fortitude to take on finances then. You will be amazed at what you are capable of doing when you have no choice B. It is a dance of not going too quickly or too obviously. Be at the helm before possible paranoia kicks in, and he thinks you are pulling a fast one over him. Start out with him as your "mentor" and have him show you what bills need to be paid, planned for, and a general overview of the financial year. I changed to Schwab banking which has no brick and mortar building; all is done online. The plus was that when we moved closer to family, the bank came with us, and I didn't have to regroup all over again. I'm 80 and learned to deposit checks using my phone. I was pretty tickled with myself over that one. You can get cash anywhere and if there is a charge for the service, Schwab will pay it for you. Consolidate your credit cards to no more than 3. I have two credit cards and one Schwab debit card. Get a notebook and insist on being at doctor visits and all interaction with outside services and take notes. Downsize and simplify your life as best you can. Just handling your husband will become a fulltime job, so tackle your learning curve as quickly as possible. Atta girl. You can do this.

billiekip, I particularly relate to your comment that the "ALZ ball will pick up speed downhill." That is happening to my husband, particularly since we recently moved from our home to an independent living apartment where assisted living is available in the future if needed (which I'm pretty sure it will be). This was part of our mutual decision that he was losing cognitive and executive function ability faster than anticipated. Nevertheless, challenges remain. Luckily, I have always paid my own credit card bills and have instituted automatic payments as much as possible. We also have an estate plan and are co-trustees on most all accounts. The one stumbling block is that his retirement investments are in two big online mutual funds that make full access almost impossible unless you are legally declared an agent to manage the account. We are working with my financial advisor to arrange that before it's too late!