@gardenchef - Wow! Thank you so much for the thought & effort it took to make these available to us.
Unless I missed it, where did you find these helpful suggestions?
I also have to wonder how to protect oneself from the often dismissive, scoffing, belittling tones, and the nasty-chuckling that a narcissist can produce in response to someone trying to set boundaries and enter into a calm, "adult" discussion with them - especially when they (the narcissist) have absolutely NO INTEREST in giving any weight or validity to another's experience or ideas...which pretty much defines narcissists in general.
The belittling, and/or the knowledge (from past experience) that the belittling will likely accompany any attempt to suggest a different approach to something - is daunting. And the narcissists of whom I speak were expert at this.
I have much more (unfortunately) in the way of experience to share regarding growing up with narcissist parents, but I think one way to help each other is to share ways that have shown some success in interacting with these types of humans.
Also, though I haven't listened in for any duration for a while to his YouTube videos, I would like to heartily suggest checking out Jay Reid's series on Narcissism. http://www.jreidtherapy.com - I found his information a few years ago, and then began receiving links to his videos. Unless something has changed, this information is freely shared, and has been extremely helpful to me in the most basic way - putting into words what is commonly experienced by those of us having to grow up &/or live with narcissitic family members.
Seeing shared experiences in words, concise words that are so descriptive of the fundamental ways narcissists attack and the damage they create, coming from a psychotherapist (he's based out of the S.F. area), has gotten me through some tough times. Unfortunately, the pain of the lifelong experience of being around narcissists remains, and I find myself struggling with all of this in much deeper ways than I would have ever imagined at this late (mid-60s) stage of my life.
Still seeking a therapist experienced in helping Adult Children of Narcissists get beyond this prison before there is no longer any more time left. And, though this can lead to more anger than I care to unleash here, I do need to share how fundamentally it absolutely GALLS me that there is no accountability for this narcissistic behavior and the lives it has ruined. This places the burden on those of us who have lived it to try to ignore or reconcile this behavior, neither of which I'm sure are recommended for survivors (so far) of emotional abuse.
Welcome stories, additional links and shared strategies. Best to all who unfortunately find themselves in these situations, esp. if it is a family member, and they are in denial (of anything psychological), and thus unavailable for any hope of resolution.
This is the link to where I got the list of "35 Phrases to disarm the Narcissist". https://parade.com/living/phrases-to-disarm-a-narcissist
I also highly recommend to buy the book: It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People Hardcover by Dr. Ramani
I am 69 years old and have been in a narcissist relationship for over 45 years. My therapist says the Narcissist gets worse with age in which it has. It is a scary road and sad road to travel down. We have to stay strong and know that we are good and IT IS NOT US that is the cause of dysfunction.
I found your situation interesting and helpful in understanding narcissism. Especially the linked article from Parade. Thank you. I read about this personality disorder but it was broken up information. This article really summarized it well.
After reading the article I feel my husband has this disfunction however he is also an alcoholic. I've tried some of the responses listed but I know from past history they don't work when alcohol is involved. So I just walk away. I never knew there was a name/disorder for his behavior.
I'm just hanging in there for tomorrow. You never know what's around the corner. Thank you for the article.
Yes many alcoholics have narcissistic behavior especially under the influence.
What you are doing is called Grey Rocking I do believe. This is the first and easiest approached I have used with my husband and seems to be working quite effectively for me and my sanity.
It has been very effective for me. Here is an article on it: https://www.verywellmind.com/the-grey-rock-method-7483417
Just FYI...my daughters husband was an alcoholic and it came to a bad situation on Christmas Eve 2 1/2 years ago. We got him into AA the next day and he has been sober now for 2 1/2 years. He no longer has Narcissitic abusive behavior. Great dad, husband, and person. AA can be a transformation for many.
Know that we are all on your side!
Hi to all is survivors. I was in a marriage fro m age 16 to 52 yrs old. He was a narcist, very abusive mentally and phsically. He was arrested and did a jail sentence, not nearly long enough. It's been 12 yrs since he first was removed and still I can't get over it. I have a restraining order against him but he still managed to break it and gets away with it. It's been mentally and physically exhausting. I wish somehow I could move on but I can't even with years of counselling . I have very limited funds so here I am. Any advice...out there.
After 25 years of mental and done physical abuse from my stepdaughter my nervous system broke down and all of a sudden I started passing out and my BP was fluctuating like crazy. I’ve been treated by my GP, ENT, Cardiologist, Pulmonologist, Psychiatrist and Rheumatologist and now I’m getting ketamine infusion and have lost around 30 pounds in less then two months and can barely consume 300 calories a day. I too cannot shake this. I think I’m beyond help. My husband still has her coming to our home every holiday and two months in the summer . I can’t take it anymore. I also inflict self harm and my husband thinks I should just get over this.
After 25 years of mental and done physical abuse from my stepdaughter my nervous system broke down and all of a sudden I started passing out and my BP was fluctuating like crazy. I’ve been treated by my GP, ENT, Cardiologist, Pulmonologist, Psychiatrist and Rheumatologist and now I’m getting ketamine infusion and have lost around 30 pounds in less then two months and can barely consume 300 calories a day. I too cannot shake this. I think I’m beyond help. My husband still has her coming to our home every holiday and two months in the summer . I can’t take it anymore. I also inflict self harm and my husband thinks I should just get over this.
I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having with your stepdaughter. Since you say that this has been going on for 25 years, I'm assuming that the stepdaughter is an adult. Has her behavior gotten worse over the years or stayed the same? What is her age?
I see that you are being treated by a number of medical professionals. Are you also seeing a therapist? A therapist might be able to give you some ideas for dealing with this abuse. I would strongly encourage you, on a regular basis, to consider getting involved in talk-therapy with a good therapist.
I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having with your stepdaughter. Since you say that this has been going on for 25 years, I'm assuming that the stepdaughter is an adult. Has her behavior gotten worse over the years or stayed the same? What is her age?
I see that you are being treated by a number of medical professionals. Are you also seeing a therapist? A therapist might be able to give you some ideas for dealing with this abuse. I would strongly encourage you, on a regular basis, to consider getting involved in talk-therapy with a good therapist.
Yes she is 51 years old and my husband pays her cellphone bill, helps her with her mortgage and anything that she needs. I have been in therapy for over 15 years now and I’m still in therapy. I am also under the care of a Phychiatrist. Ketamine was suggested to me because medications have not worked so it’s my last resort. I’ve had 9 infusions now and I will continue to have one every month hoping that they will eventually help me. My current therapist had an appointment with me and my husband before last Christmas to voice her opinion to both of us that I should spend that Christmas with our son who still lives with us at our home and my husband should go and spend Christmas with his daughter and son up at her home in Colorado.
I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having with your stepdaughter. Since you say that this has been going on for 25 years, I'm assuming that the stepdaughter is an adult. Has her behavior gotten worse over the years or stayed the same? What is her age?
I see that you are being treated by a number of medical professionals. Are you also seeing a therapist? A therapist might be able to give you some ideas for dealing with this abuse. I would strongly encourage you, on a regular basis, to consider getting involved in talk-therapy with a good therapist.
Connect
Connect
Like
Helpful
Hug
This is the link to where I got the list of "35 Phrases to disarm the Narcissist".
https://parade.com/living/phrases-to-disarm-a-narcissist
I also highly recommend to buy the book: It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People Hardcover by Dr. Ramani
I am 69 years old and have been in a narcissist relationship for over 45 years. My therapist says the Narcissist gets worse with age in which it has. It is a scary road and sad road to travel down. We have to stay strong and know that we are good and IT IS NOT US that is the cause of dysfunction.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
5 ReactionsI found your situation interesting and helpful in understanding narcissism. Especially the linked article from Parade. Thank you. I read about this personality disorder but it was broken up information. This article really summarized it well.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsAfter reading the article I feel my husband has this disfunction however he is also an alcoholic. I've tried some of the responses listed but I know from past history they don't work when alcohol is involved. So I just walk away. I never knew there was a name/disorder for his behavior.
I'm just hanging in there for tomorrow. You never know what's around the corner. Thank you for the article.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsYes many alcoholics have narcissistic behavior especially under the influence.
What you are doing is called Grey Rocking I do believe. This is the first and easiest approached I have used with my husband and seems to be working quite effectively for me and my sanity.
It has been very effective for me. Here is an article on it:
https://www.verywellmind.com/the-grey-rock-method-7483417
Just FYI...my daughters husband was an alcoholic and it came to a bad situation on Christmas Eve 2 1/2 years ago. We got him into AA the next day and he has been sober now for 2 1/2 years. He no longer has Narcissitic abusive behavior. Great dad, husband, and person. AA can be a transformation for many.
Know that we are all on your side!
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsHi to all is survivors. I was in a marriage fro m age 16 to 52 yrs old. He was a narcist, very abusive mentally and phsically. He was arrested and did a jail sentence, not nearly long enough. It's been 12 yrs since he first was removed and still I can't get over it. I have a restraining order against him but he still managed to break it and gets away with it. It's been mentally and physically exhausting. I wish somehow I could move on but I can't even with years of counselling . I have very limited funds so here I am. Any advice...out there.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsIs he still mentally and physically abusing you?
After 25 years of mental and done physical abuse from my stepdaughter my nervous system broke down and all of a sudden I started passing out and my BP was fluctuating like crazy. I’ve been treated by my GP, ENT, Cardiologist, Pulmonologist, Psychiatrist and Rheumatologist and now I’m getting ketamine infusion and have lost around 30 pounds in less then two months and can barely consume 300 calories a day. I too cannot shake this. I think I’m beyond help. My husband still has her coming to our home every holiday and two months in the summer . I can’t take it anymore. I also inflict self harm and my husband thinks I should just get over this.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionHello @clregan2528
I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having with your stepdaughter. Since you say that this has been going on for 25 years, I'm assuming that the stepdaughter is an adult. Has her behavior gotten worse over the years or stayed the same? What is her age?
I see that you are being treated by a number of medical professionals. Are you also seeing a therapist? A therapist might be able to give you some ideas for dealing with this abuse. I would strongly encourage you, on a regular basis, to consider getting involved in talk-therapy with a good therapist.
Can you think about this?
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionYes she is 51 years old and my husband pays her cellphone bill, helps her with her mortgage and anything that she needs. I have been in therapy for over 15 years now and I’m still in therapy. I am also under the care of a Phychiatrist. Ketamine was suggested to me because medications have not worked so it’s my last resort. I’ve had 9 infusions now and I will continue to have one every month hoping that they will eventually help me. My current therapist had an appointment with me and my husband before last Christmas to voice her opinion to both of us that I should spend that Christmas with our son who still lives with us at our home and my husband should go and spend Christmas with his daughter and son up at her home in Colorado.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsShe has become more abusive as the years have progressed
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 Reaction