Sexless Marriage (when one partner is ill)

Ok thank you. I know that there is so much conventional wisdom available and so much advice like go to couples counseling right there at the click of a mouse that it makes people feel that sex must be pretty far down their spouses list of priorities. Or maybe the issue must be pretty complex that the spouse can not take a second to absorb some of it especially if their spouse is someone with a masters degree in a health profession.

I think the short answer is yes these marriages exist. I think we should cut people some slack with our judgements about how other people love their spouses.
I think a lot of couples figure out how to muddle through the complexities because they value, loyalty and friendship.
It makes me sad though that when someone has such a heavy cross to bare and they try to solicit a little advice, and undoubtedly some people will heap their own baggage right up their on top in the form of thoughtless value judgements.

For some people it’s a touchy subject because they never learned about it when they were young in a manner that was educational and meaningful. There’s more than one way to skin a cat, so to speak.

I think your advice is trite and ignores the issue. Of course the person is trying exactly what you are saying if they are still together, but in the course of 10, 20, 30 years, there are going to be lots of tests.
Maybe the spouse who is married to the ill person is more than willing to stay with the person they married but the ill person is overwhelmed with feelings of guilt that they are denying their spouse a chance to be fulfilled.
But guilt is too thin of a description of the emotions. I’m sure there is a range from deep feelings of worthlessness to anger at having to be in the situation at all. I mean “why me”.
I suggested a solution and everyone dismissed it as deviant behavior.

Ok I am going to say it; I am going to go out on a limb, throw a Hail Mary and go for broke.
I have a controversial solution for lack of sex in a marriage because I have ADD.
I am not just throwing ADD around as an excuse for loosing my keys.
I have a profound deviation in brain functioning that affects my short term memory.
You need your short term memory to process information and you need to stage information to organize your thoughts.
With ADD you can not recall where you put what you just learned to complete the whole thought so you have to go back and enter it again.
It takes me longer to process what I am hearing. I have to work very hard to learn.
I have to take good notes and then organize the words later.
The result is that the data is spotty. If I am not careful, my perception o

Having an undiagnosed mental illness tends to jade people of my generation and makes them distrustful.
I call it a mental illness because I am trying to put my money where my mouth is.

As a healthcare worker I am trying to end the stigma of mental illness, and like someone who has bipolar disorder, Autism or schizophrenia through no fault of their own, I have a deviation of my brain functioning that puts me at a disadvantage.

I earned an Associates in Liberal arts at the junior college while working full time but it took me 10 years.

I changed my academic plan multiple times so I had college prerequisites trailing out in many directions.
I settled on the Liberal Arts degree because I thought I should cut my losses and just get something with all those credits.
I thought it would look good on a resume that I finished something.
I had to take even more “interesting person” classes and ending up with about 150 college credits when I only needed 90 something.
Also I repeated some of the hard sciences classes because I failed or barely passed so I graduated with a 3.0 GPA.

I then decided to become a registered nurse. Many of my credits did not transfer so I went a full two years and earned 96 credits (give or take, I can’t keep track of the details because I have ADD). I actually went 3 years and 6 months because I had to repeat a class.
I chose not to seek help by claiming a disability.
Ironically I am a bleeding heart and support the ADA in theory.
The stigma that I created in amy head may have been worse than society’s.
I overheard how many people felt about “special rights”.
They spoke candidly in front of me because I did not look disabled. I did not want the stigma of “playing the victim card”
In hind site I know that it just seemed like people resented anyone who proposed or sought protected status because they were the loudest.
I didn’t want the stigma of being someone “playing the victim card”.
I never went to a demonstration and saw people with signs or bullhorns
so in my world the people whose opinion counted were the people in the break room at work.
So with a
I did and better looked at the manifestations of my problems with school, jobs and life and thought that ADD was a nice politically correct term for stupid (I have since adopted Forest Gump’s mother’s definition of stupid).
I thought giving
amphetamines to everyone enhances their focus and energy so in my head that meant I am just plane slow.
awesome parents and the public schools made valiant efforts to help me.

I am not complaining that they did not know as much as they do now because every technical advancement leads to changes that present brand new challenges.

I agree with what you are saying. Saying I’m going to tough it out because I love them is fine if you mean it.

Not having temptation is going to be a little harder but manageable.

But there is so much more going on usually in peoples minds then some of the responses acknowledge.
There are different expectations and perceptions involved.
Talking about it is key but if you can’t even perceive the same situation the same then it is almost impossible to talk.
There is also resentment and I am not necessarily talking about the well person blaming the sick person for their lack of sex.
Being human, the sick person may resent the well person for bringing it up because it is their loss too and they have to contend with that plus feelings of inadequacy.

I do not doubt that people who say they are together, happy and still in love with no sex are sincere. I think it is beautiful.

I just think that people should not be condemned for having thoughts that they are not ready to live out their days without sex.

So nice of you to judge me, you are lucky, you’re failed back and a woman past menopause is a perfect fit for a relationship to continue. My wife has been dying of cancer for 15 years. Her time is near. Our relationship has suffered from the ravages of chemotherapy, kidney failure, heart failure. All to stay alive. The sex was over a long time ago. I knew that women would judge me, but another man. Good luck l hope your back gets better.

@mikem8, I regret that you feel judged. I'm confident that the recent messages shared come from a place of kindness and caring, and not a place of judgement. We only have words on the screen to communicate our experiences, thoughts and support. Without the benefit of tone of voice or body language sometimes the messages may be interpreted incorrectly.

Everyone's situation is different. @heisenberg34 shared his situation, which is not yours. You and your wife's situation has been extremely challenged by illness, treatment, and staring the end-of-life in the eye. Mayo Clinic Connect is a place where you can talk openly about topics that are often taboo among our family and friends. I commend you for sharing how the ravages of cancer and the resulting sexless marriage have affected your health and wellbeing, especially your mental health, as you continue to love and care for your wife.

Yes. I wrote a long story about lack of sex in my own marriage.
I am going to write it again to explain things better.
I hinted that there were things about both of us that factored into our story.
I knew it would just get longer if I went into all of it.
In the story I forgot to mention that I felt like she was running out my clock out.
I think I made a pretty
good effort at not being vindictive despite being frustrated that she did not understand how miserable I felt some times.
The issue is partially resolved on its own due to a lot of reasons.
If you saw my comment I ended it with a suggestion that might have helped or made it worse but I think it warrants a discussion.
I suggested that having a same sex surrogate to talk to but also masturbate with might be a way to take the edge off.
Lots of people weighed in but the reception was mostly unfavorable.

Well Johnny
That was the most interesting of all the notes I read and I enjoyed your candor and vulnerability.
I have like you gone through the anger stages and settled on peace in the valley.
I think it’s so much effort these days I would rather deal with just me, that’s enough.
Life is messy I personally can’t see complicating it anymore.
Good luck I’ve turned to prayer and the Rosary. Man will always disappoint you.
Tony