Placing a loved one in a facility?

Hi @bayviewgal, reading your message I can almost hear your heart breaking over the situation and the decisions you are facing. I'm sending hugs first. You're asking really good questions! These are the questions to help you make the best decision with the information and realities at the moment.

To help you connect with other members who have been where you are now, I moved your post to the caregivers support group
- Caregivers: Dementia Support Group https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/caregivers-dementia/

I'm also tagging a few other members who have been where you are now, like
@fwentz @virginianaeve @cuyler @dollyme @centre @cec75 @ann16 @pattyinal @shirleymac. They too faced similar emotions and asked many questions about doing the right thing, Questions like:
- Once finding a placement for your loved one, how did you deal with the emotions?
- How do you deal with the guilt?
- How did you break the news to your loved one?

You must accept that he is not the man you married, he is a person with a broken brain and he will never get better, only worse.

My stepmother has FTD, we started noticing something was wrong 12 years ago and sat back and observed as my stepfather kept saying it was her hearing as he was almost totally deaf and in very poor health, he couldn't understand what was going on with her.

We moved them from AZ to FL where we are, placed them in AL, he died 3 years ago, we kept her in AL for another year or so, we then had to move her to MC as she was wandering around outside and jumping into dumpsters, bringing lots of treasures back to her room.

She is now unable to identify who I am, yet she will go out with me, she still trusts me.

Your husband is young, he can live for a very long time, SM is 86 and in good physical health for now, however that can change overnight as the brain is no longer sending the right messages to her body, the subconscious mind is the controller, the conscious mind just does what it is told, breath, walk and so on.

No need for guilt as you are doing the right thing for the both of you, guilt is a self-imposed emotion that serves no purpose it will keep you stuck and resolves nothing.

Feed your sub-conscious mind a positive thought every night such as "I know that I am doing the right thing for my husband" do this every night, when the sub-conscious mind accepts it as truth, your conscious mind will accept it and you will no longer feel guilty. Read some books on the sub-conscious mind, it will help you.

You are in over your head, you are in the burn out stage, it is written that some 40% of caregivers die before the patient themselves.

Several ways to handle this, tell him that you are going on a vacation and that you need to take him to the home for a short period of time, stay away for a week give him time to acclimate to his new surroundings, he will want to come home, wherever that may be, many are thinking their family home when they were children is their home.

Or just be truthful with him and move forward. I do not know the man so it is hard to say what is the right thing to do.

Moving my stepmother from AL to MC was a breeze, I took her out to lunch, my brother moved her, when she came back she wasn't the least bit upset, she thought she was in her same room as before.

I am sorry about this but IMO you must do what is best for the both of you. Keep posting it will help.

Sending support your way.

Bayviewgal,
My wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease 12 years ago. I cared for her at home for 9 years and then it became clear that it was necessary for her to go to a care facility. She was unsteady on her feet and there was a risk of her getting hurt if she fell and I could get hurt as well. It was best for both of us from a safety standpoint to make the move.
I was in a men's only caregiver support group for many years. The moderator, whose wife had had Alzheimer's before she died, said that he has heard from many caregivers who have placed their loved ones into a care facility that "I wish I had done it a few months sooner." I realize that a caregiver will tend to delay such a difficult move until it becomes imperative but sometimes it might be easier to make the move before it becomes a real crisis. But I understand that you face a 60-day period before you know the results of you application.
As far as feelings of guilt, I would encourage you to have compassion for yourself. Treat yourself as you would a good friend of yours who was in the same situation. I'm quite sure of one thing; you have done the best you can.
One possible way that might help breaking the news to your husband might be to have his doctor or a member of the clergy or someone else tell him it was best. (This is brainstorming and may not be useful.)
One thing you can do to help your husband is to take good care of yourself. Maybe a friend or neighbor could be a companion with your husband for a few hours while you can get away for errands, appointments, or just to get a bit of a respite. You might also check with Catholic Family Services. They have volunteers who want to help people in need and you don't need to be a Catholic to request help.
Here's a tip: When friends, neighbors, or relatives say "Is there anything I can do for you?", it's probably not a rhetorical question; they really may want to help. BE READ|Y WITH A RESPONSE! It may be hard to answer on the spot but if you have thought about it in advance you might say be a companion for a few hours, bring a casserole sometime, take my husband for a ride, or something else.
I will be sending good thoughts your way!
Frank

When I reached the point of accepting AL admission for my husband, his doctor, who he very much trusted, said to tell him that “ Dr. ___ says you need more support for now”- emphasis on “for now”- its true and leaves the door open that maybe not forever (although we all know the dementia will get worse and the need for support grow). My husband accepted this, repeated by me as needed, and would tell other people this.
When it’s time to make the move, ask someone to take him for a drive, go to a drive-through (Dairy Queen, Dunkin Donuts,etc) so no need to get out of the car, keep driving, while waiting for your text to come to the facility. Meanwhile, you and a helper (the guy who cuts our grass helped me) move familiar items, clothes, etc and set up the room. Then meet them at the facility. The staff will be ready to greet him, they’ll make a nice fuss, you can be there as a familiar person, wait for the next meal and accompany him to the table, greeting his table mates, and then quietly exit as they will engage him. Don’t wait for a one on one exit, as for him it’ll be like being left as a kid, at the schoolhouse door. The facility suggested I visit twice weekly for an hour or so, which has worked out great- it’s helped him tremendously to adjust.
Be prepared to be surprised at how he will soon enjoy the opportunities for socialization- my husband attends no activities, but he loves the “teasing” interactions with the young female staff. He’s part of a “guy group” now- 4 guys- three with dementia, one with a stroke who leads the group- they gather and laugh and laugh. He’s identified two other Navy guys by their ball caps and finds his way to them in the large living room. I almost felt like crying when I realized how isolated he was at home with just me.
When choosing a place, I was told not to look for chandeliers, but for a “nice” vibe. We live in a rural area and most of the staff are country girls, who call him “Pap”, he loves it.

@bayviewgal and all caregivers,
This article was in the New York Times recently. It talks about the feelings of caregivers and what might make the transition easier.
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/03/health/dementia-spouses-nursing-homes.html
Does any of this contribute to your possible decision? Will it make it easier or harder for you?

After I my wife had been moved to an adult care center because of the progression of Alzheimer's Disease, at times after I had visited her I felt like I had left her alone and I felt sorry for that. Something that really helped me at that time was something I learned from the Buddhist practice of "Metta". I would, in my mind, send to her good messages like the following:
May you be at ease.
May you be at peace.
May you be well.
May you be free from worry.
May you feel joy.
May you be free of fear.
There came a time when I noticed that often when I visited her, her hands felt cold when I held them. So I added another line; May you be warm.
I always felt that she "heard" these messages that I sent and that it was comforting for her.

You should not feel guilty about this. You are thinking very clearly and you can’t do this all, you need help and I pray he qualifies for the financial help to have him taken care of. I was able to hire 3 nursing assistants for my Mom but they only worked 4 hours maximum and not daily so it was still very difficult. Do what is best for him and please please you must take care of yourself because your stress will increase to dangerous levels. Again, you have nothing to be guilty about.

Thank you for sharing; great article!

Thank you SO much for your very helpful advice in many areas of your message!! It is very encouraging with how to handle this transition that I'm going to be taking on. I've been playing scenarios in my head how to "leave" him on the first day and I liked your suggestion on setting up his room and sticking around for a bit. I'm being as positive as I can and I know deep in my heart that this is the best thing for him and me.
Love, hugs and prayers to you

My mom has Alzheimers and it's helpful to read the different challenges dementia presents to caregivers. Mom is 93 and stays with us and one thing is that awareness of her condition will often cause her to cry. I tried different things but found that words were less effective than a simple kiss on the forehead. I also use it if she evers gets agitated as I think at the core of alot of stuff is feeling as if she is being met with a challenge that she can't process & simply a kiss reassures her. But everone is different; I just realized that her main challenge is keeping things familiar when nothing is changing around her. Thankfullk a small gesture helps with that.