Conflicts between a mother and her 32-year old son who moved back home

We've had our son move back home which was supposed to be for about three months and he ended up staying over a year. He treated us with the utmost respect, and helped his Dad and I when we needed help. We wanted to put down more loam on our lawn therefore we rented a small tractor and our son did all the work. He ate supper with us and then usually retreated to his room. The only thing I didn't like was his messy room but he kept the door shut all the time that way I wouldn't have to look at it. He now has his own apartment, and is doing quite well on his own. He also paid us rent, it wasn't much but it was what he could afford at the time.
Now my daughter and granddaughter live with us but they are only here four times a week at night so it's no big deal. I love having my granddaughter here. She is eight and is in school so I don't see her very often. My daughter has a full time job and we rarely see her.
It sounds like to me that your son is not taking the breakup of his marriage very well, but that doesn't mean that he can abuse and disrespect you. It's your home, tell him if he doesn't change his ways that he can leave. I would never take that kind of behavior from any of my children (we have three) and they know that when I say something I mean it.
If your son is going to change and become a better roommate ask him when he plans on moving out. Also, he should be paying rent even if it's only for you to save for him so he can move out. Also, I'm sure this is effecting your health. I understand how much we want to help our children but not under the circumstances you are living under.
Good luck, and keep in touch.

Leslie

Thank you for your reply. You are absolutely right regarding this arrangement. I have asked him and even demanded that he moves out asap. He continues to say that he will as soon as he can afford to do so. He also says that I am throwing him to the curb. No parent wants to hear that remark. My husband died suddenly 8 years ago. That was one year after we moved to AZ. I have maintained the property alone all of those years. I try not to become emotionally dependent on anyone. There are times when staying emotionally strong becomes difficult. I am really trying hard to be a strong woman but added stress is very difficult. Yes, it does affect my health and my happiness.

Hello @marilyn1942, and Welcome to Connect,

Thank you for sharing your story; you must be feeling so frustrated, and sad with this interaction.
@lesbatts has given some great advice and suggestions; I also wonder if your son feels vulnerable, or 'powerless' about his situation, and is reacting by lashing out in anger so as to feel in control of things?
Sometimes, verbally recognizing the cause of low self esteem, or acknowledging how hard this may be for him too, can make a difference.
What you shouldn't do is assume blame for his problems or shortcomings; you have to take care of yourself first, so that you can take care of your family.

@marilyn1942, have you thought of getting your son to see a counselor? A neutral mediator, sometimes, may be able to reduce tensions and anxieties and, hopefully provide a solution that neither party may have thought of.

Wow, you are right on the mark. I am so grateful for your comments. I think you are right but I never thought through how he must feel. I feel certain he does feel powerless and vulnerable. His divorce nearly destroyed him. I watched him sink into severe anxiety attacks time after time. I suggested that we see a counselor but at that time, he did not accept my advice. I was extremely worried. I don't know how to explain it, but when he is emotionally upset because of a relationship gone bad, he likes me to go on road trips with him and then hurries home to contact his former partner and invites them over for dinner. Then he becomes hostile with me and I never interfered in his decision. Maybe he feels comfortable hurting me because he knows that I will forgive him. We agreed to see a counselor. The trick is, finding one that accepts both of our insurance plans. I feel so sorry for him yet his verbal abuse to me is hurtful.

Maybe it would help you to see a counselor for advice on how to deal with your son if you can't go together. My daughter is mentally disabled and lives with me. It is a struggle st times because she wants to be an adult and make her own choices. But at the same time she wants/needs help with some things. The boundary line is constantly moving. It can be very frustrating and tiring. I see a counselor once a month and when I need to get advice I ask him. It helps to have an outside party give input. Good luck to you and I pray your son will find his way in life.

Both my son and I have put our relationship on hold until he was temporarily able to try to re-establish his relationships with two women who were impossible to please. I think they viewed his life as trouble free because of his wonderful education, travel experience and possibly the community where we reside. Many, many people tell me that when they enter our home and community, they see wealth. That is not a true assessment. My late husband and I worked extremely hard to be able to retire in AZ. In many ways, I wish that I never left the East Coast. We live out here completely alone. Our relatives are back in PA and we miss them. I don't think it is possible to move back East without the help of my late husband. Moving from coast to coast is difficult and I am getting older. It is also very expensive. Hopefully, we will find a way to return "home" and perhaps life will be good again. We both miss our family very much. My son and I are arranging counseling. He is a good guy and works for a great company. We are both at fault and people like you help us to see our way to a better life. Thank you. I love mayo and you guys. Don't leave me yet!!!!

marilyn1942 I am sorry for the problems that you are having. I can relate to leaving my state of birth and moving to where my parents live. I miss the people that I lived near and just the area itself. But I have found new friends and ways to spend my time. My mother passed away recently and she really hated to leave her home to live closer to her son and his kids. I think for as long as she was away she was always sad and missed her old home. I am glad you and your son are getting counseling to work out the issues that are important to you. Change can be good or really traumatic either was it is what we do right. Keep in touch

Hi Marilyn,
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband, that must have been a shock. I've lost a lot of loved ones in my life but I couldn't imagine losing my husband. Do you have any friends or family you can talk with? I know you mentioned that you didn't want to lean on anyone emotionally but you should have at least one close person that you can confide in.
I know you've asked your son to move out and he refuses to. If things get bad tell him you will call the police to have him removed from your home. Also, you could ask him to please change his ways that, way he can stay a little bit longer but give him a move out date. He's most likely spending all his money and not saving for a place to move into. Perhaps you can ask him to give you so much money a week that you will save for him to move out with. I wish you had some support for yourself, that would probably help you with your mental well being. Good luck to you and I hope everything works out for you.

Take care,
Leslie

Maybe you can get some family out in Arizona to help you move back east. It sounds like you are homesick, I know I would be if I left my family behind. Just a suggestion.

Leslie

I am so sorry that your daughter has disabilities. It must be very difficult for both of you. How old is she? Frustration and fatigue are horrible to deal with. Both my son and I are looking forward to finding a counselor that is a good fit for both of us. We have to do our homework and find the right counselor. I know you understand what I am saying. God bless you and, if you can, please stay in touch.