Hi folks …. well, here I am again ….. it’s been another rough week, from almost every angle, and I’m no more adjusted to this new town/state than I was last time I wrote. I have been here for a year now, and I just hate it. But I don’t feel like I can move back to where I was as my 2 girls who live in the area would be very disappointed …. and then the guilt would begin, for me. Like I’m sure I told you all in a previous message (and please forgive me for repeating myself) I lived in a condo in MD since my divorce 12 years ago. We were married for 40 years, and that was a devastating blow. I’d been home with our 3 kids the whole time, so my job skills were weak, but I was able to get a job at my church (at that time) as Asst. Children’s Ministry Pastor.
I moved here – VA – because my girls were hounding me for years to move closer to them. Cynically I wondered if it was really for me, or for their convenience as I aged, but I avoided going down that road mentally. I see my girls about once a week, so far have not been able to find a part-time job, I had to have my precious pup put to sleep 2 months ago with congestive heart failure, there is no church in the area even similar to mine, now I am in the process of getting dentures and there have been more problems with that whole thing than I can even remember. The roots of the teeth demineralized and so must be cut out. Eating pureed food for months on end is not fun, for sure. Everyone says volunteer …. that’s fine, but truthfully, I am just totally out of energy …. some days I don’t even want to get up, and others when I do get up, I don’t get dressed.
I have been going back to my therapist and Psychiatrist every other week in MD …. my girls ask “why?” They really don’t want to hear it, don’t get it, and I truly think they’re afraid to know totally. When I even start to tell them, they immediately change the subject ….. on to something else!
Why did I ever move here …. for me? No. Truthfully, I moved here for my girls to make their lives easier as I age. I’m in excellent health now at 71, but it won’t be that way forever. I’m just very, very unhappy and depressed ….. it’s like sitting in a deep black hole, covered up with a cold wet black blanket ….. calling out for help and no one will stop. I have Bipolar II, I am divorced and my X lives down this way also …. we get along as well as can be expected, but just his proximity doesn’t help me feel any better. He is a Narsassist – NPD – and is always ready and willing to let anyone within ear shot how much he is doing, how many groups he leads, how he does this and that ….. blah, blah, blah. Typical N.
I am so tempted to move back …. I own a condo which I am renting out presently, and which I loved. The comaradarie in the building was wonderful, and just walking my pup I got to meet all sorts of nice folks in the community. Everything was there …. my church, all my doctors, my friends, and my town, which I knew like the back of my hand after living in that area for over 30 years.
So, here I am, again whining about what to do. I feel rather “damned if I do and damned if I don’t.” If I move back, first it will once again be a big expense I can’t afford, and it will be like a slap in the face to my girls.
To anyone out there who is retired and thinking of moving closer to their kids ….. be sure ….. be very, very, sure. I liken my move to yanking out an old tree from the ground and replanting it in another country, and then expecting it to thrive …. maybe it will, maybe it won’t.