1. < Mental Health

~ Retired, moved closer to kids, unhappy ~

Posted by Barb @amberpep, Oct 20, 2016

Hi folks .... well, here I am again ..... it's been another rough week, from almost every angle, and I'm no more adjusted to this new town/state than I was last time I wrote. I have been here for a year now, and I just hate it. But I don't feel like I can move back to where I was as my 2 girls who live in the area would be very disappointed .... and then the guilt would begin, for me. Like I'm sure I told you all in a previous message (and please forgive me for repeating myself) I lived in a condo in MD since my divorce 12 years ago. We were married for 40 years, and that was a devastating blow. I'd been home with our 3 kids the whole time, so my job skills were weak, but I was able to get a job at my church (at that time) as Asst. Children's Ministry Pastor.
I moved here - VA - because my girls were hounding me for years to move closer to them. Cynically I wondered if it was really for me, or for their convenience as I aged, but I avoided going down that road mentally. I see my girls about once a week, so far have not been able to find a part-time job, I had to have my precious pup put to sleep 2 months ago with congestive heart failure, there is no church in the area even similar to mine, now I am in the process of getting dentures and there have been more problems with that whole thing than I can even remember. The roots of the teeth demineralized and so must be cut out. Eating pureed food for months on end is not fun, for sure. Everyone says volunteer .... that's fine, but truthfully, I am just totally out of energy .... some days I don't even want to get up, and others when I do get up, I don't get dressed.
I have been going back to my therapist and Psychiatrist every other week in MD .... my girls ask "why?" They really don't want to hear it, don't get it, and I truly think they're afraid to know totally. When I even start to tell them, they immediately change the subject ..... on to something else!
Why did I ever move here .... for me? No. Truthfully, I moved here for my girls to make their lives easier as I age. I'm in excellent health now at 71, but it won't be that way forever. I'm just very, very unhappy and depressed ..... it's like sitting in a deep black hole, covered up with a cold wet black blanket ..... calling out for help and no one will stop. I have Bipolar II, I am divorced and my X lives down this way also .... we get along as well as can be expected, but just his proximity doesn't help me feel any better. He is a Narsassist - NPD - and is always ready and willing to let anyone within ear shot how much he is doing, how many groups he leads, how he does this and that ..... blah, blah, blah. Typical N.
I am so tempted to move back .... I own a condo which I am renting out presently, and which I loved. The comaradarie in the building was wonderful, and just walking my pup I got to meet all sorts of nice folks in the community. Everything was there .... my church, all my doctors, my friends, and my town, which I knew like the back of my hand after living in that area for over 30 years.
So, here I am, again whining about what to do. I feel rather "damned if I do and damned if I don't." If I move back, first it will once again be a big expense I can't afford, and it will be like a slap in the face to my girls.
To anyone out there who is retired and thinking of moving closer to their kids ..... be sure ..... be very, very, sure. I liken my move to yanking out an old tree from the ground and replanting it in another country, and then expecting it to thrive .... maybe it will, maybe it won't.
abby

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Barb | @amberpep | Oct 30, 2016
In reply to @amberpep "Well, I've been looking for a new pup to love. I'd really like what I had..." + (show)
@amberpep

Well, I've been looking for a new pup to love. I'd really like what I had before .... she was a rescue from a puppy mill ... a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, and just the most loving little thing. There's a Cavalier Rescue somewhere around here, but I can't seem to get them to respond to me. Maybe I'll call the place where I got Molly and talk to the lady who runs it. It would be a long drive, but well worth it. But then, there are so many little mixed pups at the pound who are waiting for a home. I just seem muddled in my head right now .... can't decide what to do even about a dog. Good grief!
abby

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Hi Rosemary .....yes, that's what I've decided I'm going to do. Some of those little faces are so sad, I'm afraid I'll come home with more than one!
abby

REPLY
berit | @berit | Oct 30, 2016
In reply to @amberpep "Well, I've been looking for a new pup to love. I'd really like what I had..." + (show)
@amberpep

Well, I've been looking for a new pup to love. I'd really like what I had before .... she was a rescue from a puppy mill ... a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, and just the most loving little thing. There's a Cavalier Rescue somewhere around here, but I can't seem to get them to respond to me. Maybe I'll call the place where I got Molly and talk to the lady who runs it. It would be a long drive, but well worth it. But then, there are so many little mixed pups at the pound who are waiting for a home. I just seem muddled in my head right now .... can't decide what to do even about a dog. Good grief!
abby

Jump to this post

Dear Abby,

I totally understand the "muddled-head" day. Who hasn't had one of those, or more than one, if truth be told? I had a wonderful therapist who used to say to me, when I was having one of my many muddled head days, "You don't need to decide that now." For me, that was a very helpful comment b/c I was quite good a driving myself crazy with worries/decisions/concerns that DID NOT need to be decided then and there, that were not urgent, that could definitely be put of until some time way into the future when i could better deal with them, or MAYBE, would never even need to be decided at all if i just let things take there course.

I am a firm believer that when it is right, all the pieces will fall into place. When you are ready for a dog, you'll go to the shelter and look for one. When you see the one that's right for you, you'll know it. When I first saw my rescue cat, I knew he was the one for me, even thought I looked at 4 or 5 others, had never had a cat before and thought I was a confirmed dog person. I just knew he was meant to be mine. He was 5 years old and he is now 14 years old. He is a "talker" with an opinion about everything and happy to share it with everyone who comes over.

Animal companions are the best. I don't think the breed even matters as long as the personality is a good fit. As Rosemary said, "just look, no pressure". When it's right, it's right. It will work out in the end.

REPLY
Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Oct 31, 2016
In reply to @amberpep "Well, I've been looking for a new pup to love. I'd really like what I had..." + (show)
@amberpep

Well, I've been looking for a new pup to love. I'd really like what I had before .... she was a rescue from a puppy mill ... a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, and just the most loving little thing. There's a Cavalier Rescue somewhere around here, but I can't seem to get them to respond to me. Maybe I'll call the place where I got Molly and talk to the lady who runs it. It would be a long drive, but well worth it. But then, there are so many little mixed pups at the pound who are waiting for a home. I just seem muddled in my head right now .... can't decide what to do even about a dog. Good grief!
abby

Jump to this post

My service dog, Barnabas, died suddenly in February, though the vet had told me a week earlier that he had years left in him. I still mourn. I decided to look at the shelters around my area, and found that a lot of the dogs were big, or pit bulls. But in March, I stopped by the Humane shelter in my town, and found Sadie, a 2 year old McNabb, and we instantly fell in love with each other. I've been training her to be my service dog, and she's doing wonderfully. I always recommend the shelter. So many animals need our love, and we need theirs.

REPLY
Barb | @amberpep | Oct 31, 2016
In reply to @amberpep "Well, I've been looking for a new pup to love. I'd really like what I had..." + (show)
@amberpep

Well, I've been looking for a new pup to love. I'd really like what I had before .... she was a rescue from a puppy mill ... a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, and just the most loving little thing. There's a Cavalier Rescue somewhere around here, but I can't seem to get them to respond to me. Maybe I'll call the place where I got Molly and talk to the lady who runs it. It would be a long drive, but well worth it. But then, there are so many little mixed pups at the pound who are waiting for a home. I just seem muddled in my head right now .... can't decide what to do even about a dog. Good grief!
abby

Jump to this post

What a wonderful story! That's what I'll do when the time comes.
abby

REPLY
Barb | @amberpep | Oct 31, 2016
In reply to @amberpep "Well, I've been looking for a new pup to love. I'd really like what I had..." + (show)
@amberpep

Well, I've been looking for a new pup to love. I'd really like what I had before .... she was a rescue from a puppy mill ... a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, and just the most loving little thing. There's a Cavalier Rescue somewhere around here, but I can't seem to get them to respond to me. Maybe I'll call the place where I got Molly and talk to the lady who runs it. It would be a long drive, but well worth it. But then, there are so many little mixed pups at the pound who are waiting for a home. I just seem muddled in my head right now .... can't decide what to do even about a dog. Good grief!
abby

Jump to this post

You are so right .... when it's the right time, I'll know it! That's funny ..... I always thought I was only a cat person, not a dog person. Well, Molly sure changed that! Now I'm both a cat and dog person!
abby

REPLY
Hirono Sekiguchi | @hironopiro | Nov 1, 2016
In reply to @amberpep "Well, I've been looking for a new pup to love. I'd really like what I had..." + (show)
@amberpep

Well, I've been looking for a new pup to love. I'd really like what I had before .... she was a rescue from a puppy mill ... a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, and just the most loving little thing. There's a Cavalier Rescue somewhere around here, but I can't seem to get them to respond to me. Maybe I'll call the place where I got Molly and talk to the lady who runs it. It would be a long drive, but well worth it. But then, there are so many little mixed pups at the pound who are waiting for a home. I just seem muddled in my head right now .... can't decide what to do even about a dog. Good grief!
abby

Jump to this post

@jimhd, thank you very much for sharing your beautiful story. I have a french bulldog too. Barnabas and Sadie are such lucky dogs because they became part of your life.

REPLY
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