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What about Me?
I am so tired, tired of dealing with all the groaning, moaning all day, every day even through meals which is making me not want to prepare meals or eat with H.
I understand he is scared as he has some understanding of what is happening to him mentally, but geez, it is not my fault. He gets mean and yells at me, publicly, like I am a child!
Friends are kind, but as others have said, we - him - are just not fun any more. I know some are afraid this will eventually happen to them. People we really don't know have tried to take advantage of him.
Heck, his middle daughter tried to get him to change his will to her favor when he was in the hospital last year. This daughter he really hasn't seen in almost a year, no birthday card or Father's Day card to him.
I understand the Calvery is not coming, but darn, it sure is difficult as more and more things go on. I am feeling very lonely.
Keeping up the house is difficult. We are just $300 a month from being eligible for various assistant programs.
The above-mentioned daughter has now started lying about me to her sister and brother. I have always had a good relationship with his eldest daughter since her and her father reconciled (over her changing religion before I met her, which no one in the family understood). The last few times I have talked to her she has been frigid at best. Seems the middle daughter is putting things out there that I am stealing their inheritance among other things.
This just floors me. I have had enough and don't need this with his family on top of everything going on with him daily. The door is starting to look pretty good right now and I can guarantee you that none of his adult children will help him out. None of them has done anything for us in the, oh, last 31 years, whether we needed help or not. His son has hit us up for $$ over the years, and the middle daughter's sons always have their hands out.
The truth be told, when I married their father some 31 years ago, he had a decent job but really had nothing. I had a house that was over 50% paid for, a paid off car, furniture. At that time he had just finished paying child support for his youngest son, who came to live with him after the child support stopped.
These people are starting to scare me. Right now I know what his will says, but I am afraid that if he gets enough pressure, he will cave to them.
This is part of me dealing with being his caretaker. It scares the begesus out of me. I did talk to a lawyer but I can only do things with items that are mine. It is not like we have a lot, just the house, the 8 yr. old car, and my furniture with a few pieces added.
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@kartwk, I think it’s a lot about expectations. When a person has cognitive decline the brain is not able to function properly. As dementia develops, the ability to correctly state facts is diminished. Their sentences may be nonsensical or like word salad. Older memories may stay for a long time or gradually fade. I wouldn’t expect accurate information or facts about history.
Everyone is different, but most people eventually have severe communication issues. Does your husband repeat things a lot? If not, I’d be prepared for it. It is one of the most challenging traits about dementia. Staying calm and patient when someone repeats something over and over dozens of
times with no memory of what they have said is not easy. I’d try to find a person who doesn’t suffer with these challenges to communicate everyday. Otherwise, it will really bring you down.
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5 ReactionsI know how frustrating this can be. My DH used to do that too. When I finally realized he is as certain of his version of events as I am, I was able to resist the urge to convince him of the truth. I realized he was unable to participate in the robust conversations we used to have and I looked to friends and family for that. With DH I simply agreed with his take on things rather than risk making him feel like I was gaslighting him. It took me some time but eventually I would simply say something noncommittal like "Wow" or "interesting ", because, ultimately, it didn't really matter and his brain could no longer reason. My mental health improved once I accepted this new reality. I know it's hard at first but becomes natural pretty quickly.
I hope this helps. You're not alone. I'm glad you are here and reaching out for help. There's lots of support on this forum.
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7 Reactions@jehjeh
Thank you and it does help. I just started noticing how frequently he is starting to do that. Before it was occasionally. This and his freaking out about going to the Doc. Thursday (my doc.). I drove but he was getting all confused about where we needed to turn etc. That freaked me out. We have been going to this facility for 2 years so it is not a new place.
He is taking out the garbage right now and I am laughing to myself wondering if I should start considering having a tag on him that gives his name and where to return him to? Now, part of me feels bad even thinking that. It's tough.
Hopefully I will be able to get a diagnosis on him the next time he starts with his round of doctors.
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1 Reaction@celia16
Celia16 - Do they just keep repeating it the same way, or the same thing, different versions?
@kartwk, both ways. My cousin would get anxious when at the doctor or ER. She would tell me, I love you sooo much. She’d say it about every few minutes for hours. I acted as if every time was the first she had said it. My dad did something similar. He’d call me into the living room where he had his recliner and tv to tell me, call the barber shop in the morning. I need a haircut. He would repeat it dozens of times all day.
Then there were stories of things that never happened. They might tell various versions, with some having slight truth. With my dad, he had delusions people were stealing his things. He’d complain about it dozens of times over and over during the day. Each time, he thought it was the first time he had mentioned it.
Other times, my dad could tell a story of something that happened many years ago with amazing accuracy. Even knew his PIN codes and ss# until near the end. The mental capacity was very varied. Eventually, the body became immobilized by the dementia.
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3 Reactions@celia16
Thank you for that insight. I’ve been wondering about my dad, who has not been diagnosed with any cognitive decline but at 94 and having been through a really tough year of health issues and loss of loved ones, I am seeing more and more inconsistencies. I’ll start thinking he is having some issues, then he will remember something mentioned a couple weeks ago and ask about it. Good to know that there can be inconsistencies. I especially notice it when he is trying to digest something new to his health or financial/insurance issues—but then he will have amazing clarity in some other area of life that is less emotional for him. Your post helps me today a lot! Thank you!
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1 Reaction@kartwk don’t feel bad for thinking about an ID tag. Not a bad idea if it gets to that point. If I’d had the option when I was caring for my dad who had Alzheimer’s I would have put an air tag in his clothes. I once lost him in a mall restroom that tuned out to have a 2nd exit in 2008. I was absolutely freaked out by the possibilities of where he could have gone. All was good- he had sat down outside of the other entrance in a different alcove, and was enjoying people watching. To this day that was the most raw fear I have ever experienced, and I have been through some stuff .
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