Turned 54 yesterday and seriously struggling in a sexless marriage

My wife is in full blown menopause...I'm 58..the sexleess thing is awful...I myself have a high sex drive...might happen once a month anymore...I try to be patient and understanding...its tough..I know on her ..and myself..wish I knew the magic answer...just wanted to let you know...your not a lone

I wonder if you two are speaking directly to each other about this impass in your relationship. Often it is helpful to have a third party to help a couple address new and challenging issues in a relationship. Have you been able to find a well trained therapist to help?

It’s a missed opportunity for both of you. Timing for a knee replacement was probably necessary or insurance wouldn’t have covered it. Her doctor should not have done it unless all less noninvasive treatments failed. The surgery is very painful. One knee at a time and then you go through it all over again for the other knee. It’s a lot of physical therapy, hope she’s getting it. If she missed her doctor’s appointment, that to me sounds like a red flag. Think about going with her for her next appointment and tell her you want to go with her because you care about her. Sorry, you may offered this for her missed appointment. I didn’t have knee replacements done, but my husband did. It sounds like she may be very depressed. I would be too… I’ve been there. She may feel bad because she knows she is letting you down physically and emotionally. When you both have or have had medical issues it puts a toll on you both and your marriage. I really thought that my husband wouldn’t be able to handle my new medical issues after surgery last week at Mayo Rochester. It was difficult not only because we live in Florida but also emotionally and physically challenging for me. I know it was for my husband also which made me feel even worse although though he never mentioned it. He reminded me today that our wedding vows were for life. My husband did have a double knee replacements. He found a physical therapy assistant who comes to our house when she gets off work. She kicks his butt for an hour, but it has helped him so much. It’s a slow recovery. At first I didn’t think it was necessary but mentally and physically I believe it is. Your wife sounds like she may just want to give up.. I don’t know the whole story, Maybe she needs to speak with her primary care physician or a mental health counselor. My past experience would be to see my primary care provider. My husband put off his surgery for stage 2 prostrate so I could have my surgery done first.

menopause? This can have a huge impact on a woman's libido and sense of self. And equally important menopause can cause brain fog, lack of energy, sleep problems, pain during sex, etc.
If this is a contributing factor there is help. Her physician can either refer her to an excellent gynecologist or other professional who has specific training in helping women through this huge transition.

@bknight189

Welcome to Mayo Connect, as you can tell from responses, you are not alone in dealing with this issue. The lack of desire for sex can be both physical and psychological. Hormonal changes can have lot to do with it. I recommend she talk to her primary provider or better yet, make an appointment with a gynecologist. If you live in area where there is a large medical center, they may have other specialists. At Mayo Rochester there is a Menopause and Women's Sexual Health Clinic: https://www.mayoclinic.org/departments-centers/menopause-womens-sexual-health/overview/ovc-20487915

It can be an embarrassing issue to bring up with a provider, but if she is willing to pursue, there is help.

Is she willing to discussed this with anyone ?

@bknight189
You are getting some excellent suggestions from those on MCC.

I echo those suggestions. Just know after menopause this is not ucommon. My wife had same issues. What we found was other ways to be intimate than sex.

Now having said that seeing a counselar could help benefit both of you if both are you are willing. Also talking to your doctors about this could also have some prescription type recommendations. What I am saying is reach out to the mental health and physical health experts as the problem you are experiencing is not uncommon. You need to know that and not feel it is unique to your or your wife feeling this way.

This is a tough one. If the problem was with you I would recommend taking 5mg of Cialis daily. Unfortunately that would make your problem worse.
After menopause many woman find sex to be painful. Suggest she try a lubricant to make it less painful. Maybe she could discuss it with her doctor.
Another option is to go together to a marriage counselor. You don’t want to become brother and sister.
Good luck to you.

I went through menopause early. I had some depression before but it exacerbated it. I take anti depressants. My depression is gone The sexual side effects to the antidepressants are real. Intercourse hurts even though I take an inserted hormone and lubes. Still trying to figure it out. I am 65 years old. Feel bad for my husband but I do try but it’s hard on both of us. I wish I still had the sex drive

In addition,if appropriate, both a man and a woman can explore hormone replacement.
My husband is 72 and I am 76. Both of our libidos had become almost nonexistent. We were both unsatisfied with this and sought hormone replacement.
My husband has a testosterone pellet and cialis I have an estradiol and testosterone pellet as well as an estradiol vaginal cream. It has been a great benefit to our intimacy and in many other ways
It is good to feel more alive and engaged.

I was put on "hormone therapy" for prostate cancer, which is chemical castration. The loss of both testosterone and estrogen (yes, men have some) really tanked my libido but lots of foreplay still worked, it just took a long time. Does your wife give you ANY physical affection? Do you cuddle, hold each other, sit against each other while watching TV, etc. Hormonal changes are REALLY difficult as I learned the hard (or not hard 😃) way.

Sometimes there are problems in a relationship because the high libido partner expects physical affection to always lead to sex and the low libido partner doesn't want to give physical affection because they know this. When this has happened to me (as the high libido partner), I learned to just be physically affectionate with no expectation of sex and, surprise surprise, this started leading to more sex. Not always, but often.

Physical affection (not necessarily sex) is really important to most relationships, otherwise you might as well just be friends. Maybe start by something as simple as just holding her hand.