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amberpep
@amberpep

Posts: 627
Joined: Jul 02, 2012

~ Depressed about my move, missing former hometown ~

Posted by @amberpep, Dec 22, 2017

Good morning friends. Please let me vent a bit. I think some of you know my kids hounded me for 5 years to move down here (from MD to VA) to be closer to them. I didn’t want to move. I was only 3 hours away, a trip they or I can easily make, had my own condo in a town I loved and had lived in for 30 years. It was my nest …. doctors, church, good friends, knew my way all around and was very happy. Well, because I’m 72 I thought “well, maybe I should since I’m sure not getting any younger.” So 1-1/2 years ago I made the move. The first town in which I had an apartment I hated. So, now I’m living in a limited income apartment in Staunton, VA. The move cost me, what I consider a fortune, and I’m still paying it off – $11,000 for the move, and $3000 for the new carpeting I had put in my condo to sell it. I sold it all right, but since it was under water I had to pay the buyers $6,000. Go figure. Well, here comes Christmas – my most difficult time of the year – and I mentioned to my son that I was looking to find a rescue dog – a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. I had mine, sweet Molly, since she was 4 and at 11 she had to be put down because of the typical congestive heart failure. She was my pal, my friend, and just a little love bug. My son tells me “oh no Mom, you don’t want to get another dog. They’re so much work.” Really? Well, considering I have 2 cats and have for years, and have had a dog, live on the first floor, they would be so much work? How so? Molly has only been gone a year, and I miss that little face terribly. They are such companions and since I can’t seem to feel at home here, it would help get me out, take her for walks, meet some new people, and get some exercise, instead of sitting here on my fat tush all the time. Since it’s a limited income community, lots of people do not speak to you even when you say “hi.” My floor is OK – there’s 4 apts., but no one that I would be close to. I’m having trouble finding a church – I’m Western Orthodox and the only 2 Ortho churches down here are Eastern …. same beliefs, but very different worship styles. And, on top of that, my X-husband lives about 15-20 miles down the road, so he is “king of the grandkids.” (or so he thinks). I am very depressed about all this … my family is against my having a dog, I do not like it here at all (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been called “a Yankee”), and I just want to go “home.” I know my condo isn’t an option (sure wish I had not sold it), but someplace to rent. My two main reasons for not wanting to move down here were 1- I didn’t want to leave a place that had been home for all that time and I was very happy, and 2 – I did not want my kids telling me what to do. I told them before I moved that “Since the divorce, I have been very independent, and I intend to keep it that way as long as possible. I know the time will come when I will need more help, but that time is NOT now.” Oh my …. first Christmas, now this ….. what a depressing time of year. Thanks for listening.
abby

REPLY

@amberpep Hi Abby:

The holidays are difficult, especially when changes have occurred that do not seem positive at first glance.

How unfortunate that your son was not more enthusiastic about the idea of your getting another dog. It sounds like you are capable of caring for a pet and it would mean a lot to you.

What are your options now regarding getting a pet?

Teresa

Hi Abby,
Sorry to hear all this. I have trouble with this time of year myself. Honestly, if I was really that unhappy and if I could afford to…I would definitely go back to where I was happy. Life is too short to be miserable. You gave it a shot and it didn’t turn out as planned. I do have to say this…if you want another pet and can take care of one, you shouldn’t ask for permission. Dogs are wonderful companions!

Hi Abby, I do remember your posts about moving. and I am just trying to catch up on line. So you moved. I am 73 and I definitely faced issues that are hard because I am getting older and my husband is not in the greatest health. The only reply I have is to say that it is good to look inside your heart first, to guide you. You actually did this before you made the move, if I am recalling this correctly.
I see a grief counselor and I will pass on her advice to me. I am thinking about moving to Houston for various reasons. But I moved here to Colorado just 14 months ago from North Carolina. She told me that there is no “right” answer to whether I should move. But there is a “right” question. Am I moving from a position of DESPERATION, or am I moving from a position of STRENGTH.

@georgette12

Hi Abby, I do remember your posts about moving. and I am just trying to catch up on line. So you moved. I am 73 and I definitely faced issues that are hard because I am getting older and my husband is not in the greatest health. The only reply I have is to say that it is good to look inside your heart first, to guide you. You actually did this before you made the move, if I am recalling this correctly.
I see a grief counselor and I will pass on her advice to me. I am thinking about moving to Houston for various reasons. But I moved here to Colorado just 14 months ago from North Carolina. She told me that there is no “right” answer to whether I should move. But there is a “right” question. Am I moving from a position of DESPERATION, or am I moving from a position of STRENGTH.

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@georgette12

I know this response was for Abby, but those questions about motive for doing things are just great! Thanks for sharing those pearls of wisdom!

Teresa

Abby,
A general comment…do what makes you feel good and at peace. Your desires are very important and should be respected.
I’ve spent most of my life and still struggle with the “pleasing others” syndrome. For me, it is a way that I can assure myself that if I do what others want of
me, I will have their love and acceptance. What I’ve found out as I’ve lived my life is that this belief is a bunch of “crap”. It seems I always end up giving up a lot and not getting much of anything in return. It’s hard to change this belief though as most of the reinforcement I have gotten throughout my life has been related to what I can do for others. I would really like for people to like me for me (whoever that is). I just feel like if I don’t have a purpose (and this has always been in the helping field), there’s no reason for me to exist. I’ve been able to deal with this most of my life because I have devoted myself to my work, which involved helping others. However, now, due to physical and mental health issues, I’m unable to work. This has been extremely difficult for me and has taken a huge toll on my mental health ( I deal with major depression and mild anxiety). The only way I’ve been able to cope is by volunteering. I’m convinced if I did not have the responsibilities I have in my various volunteer roles, I would’ve gone off the deep end by now.

Sorry, I got off the point somewhat, but maybe my experience will help someone else who’s experienced losses in later life (death of loved one, unemployment, inability to be mobile, etc.) can think about volunteering as a way to deal with grief, loneliness, lack of sense of purpose, etc.

To everyone who reads this, I wish you peace and contentment in the new year.
Sharon

@sharlynn62

Abby,
A general comment…do what makes you feel good and at peace. Your desires are very important and should be respected.
I’ve spent most of my life and still struggle with the “pleasing others” syndrome. For me, it is a way that I can assure myself that if I do what others want of
me, I will have their love and acceptance. What I’ve found out as I’ve lived my life is that this belief is a bunch of “crap”. It seems I always end up giving up a lot and not getting much of anything in return. It’s hard to change this belief though as most of the reinforcement I have gotten throughout my life has been related to what I can do for others. I would really like for people to like me for me (whoever that is). I just feel like if I don’t have a purpose (and this has always been in the helping field), there’s no reason for me to exist. I’ve been able to deal with this most of my life because I have devoted myself to my work, which involved helping others. However, now, due to physical and mental health issues, I’m unable to work. This has been extremely difficult for me and has taken a huge toll on my mental health ( I deal with major depression and mild anxiety). The only way I’ve been able to cope is by volunteering. I’m convinced if I did not have the responsibilities I have in my various volunteer roles, I would’ve gone off the deep end by now.

Sorry, I got off the point somewhat, but maybe my experience will help someone else who’s experienced losses in later life (death of loved one, unemployment, inability to be mobile, etc.) can think about volunteering as a way to deal with grief, loneliness, lack of sense of purpose, etc.

To everyone who reads this, I wish you peace and contentment in the new year.
Sharon

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Thank you all so very much for writing … I just got home last night from about 5 days in Frederick. I stay with a girlfriend when I go up. She lives in the opposite end of the city than I did, and I no longer have the temptation to “just go and see how my condo looked” obviously not from the inside, just the street. I did that 2x and decided it was just a stupid thing to do. It’s not mine anymore, so Barbara, get over it! No, I didn’t want to move down here – it was purely out of duress, but I’m finally beginning to feel at home. It’s so obvious to me that both of my girls, who live down here, are so glad I’m here, it would be like kicking them in the teeth if I moved back. They are so sweet. I ask for nothing, but they just see things and do them. While I was in Frederick, one of my girls came and took care of my cats for me, washed a sink full of dishes (I didn’t ask her to do that!, it’s just the way her heart is), and tidied up a bit. She also told me that she hid a “little something” somewhere in my condo to see if I could find it. It’s been 2 years now, and it’s been a rough, long haul, but I think I’ve finally gotten over the hump. I’ll always love Frederick and have wonderful memories of it, and if it ever became necessary, I would go back. But, I do think the sting is gone. And I owe that all to my girls ….. they have been like real angels to my soul and heart.
abby

@amberpep Abby,

The ability to adjust to new situations is a gift and a blessing. I’m glad that you found a way to do that! Best wishes to you in 2018!

Teresa

@sharlynn62

Abby,
A general comment…do what makes you feel good and at peace. Your desires are very important and should be respected.
I’ve spent most of my life and still struggle with the “pleasing others” syndrome. For me, it is a way that I can assure myself that if I do what others want of
me, I will have their love and acceptance. What I’ve found out as I’ve lived my life is that this belief is a bunch of “crap”. It seems I always end up giving up a lot and not getting much of anything in return. It’s hard to change this belief though as most of the reinforcement I have gotten throughout my life has been related to what I can do for others. I would really like for people to like me for me (whoever that is). I just feel like if I don’t have a purpose (and this has always been in the helping field), there’s no reason for me to exist. I’ve been able to deal with this most of my life because I have devoted myself to my work, which involved helping others. However, now, due to physical and mental health issues, I’m unable to work. This has been extremely difficult for me and has taken a huge toll on my mental health ( I deal with major depression and mild anxiety). The only way I’ve been able to cope is by volunteering. I’m convinced if I did not have the responsibilities I have in my various volunteer roles, I would’ve gone off the deep end by now.

Sorry, I got off the point somewhat, but maybe my experience will help someone else who’s experienced losses in later life (death of loved one, unemployment, inability to be mobile, etc.) can think about volunteering as a way to deal with grief, loneliness, lack of sense of purpose, etc.

To everyone who reads this, I wish you peace and contentment in the new year.
Sharon

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@amberpep — I’m so glad to see that some of the darkness of the move is lifting, It’s also wonderful to hear how your girls do thoughtful things for you and really want you nearby them. My mom left her friends across the country and started her business over near my sister and me 14 years ago, and I count it as a great blessing.

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