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1947
@1947

Posts: 11
Joined: Sep 22, 2016

Struggling with pain and teenage boys

Posted by @1947, Oct 4, 2016

Hello. I’m 49 years old and I have 4 boys 23-15. I’ve been stuggling with a back injury since January. I’ve been off work since July. I’ve noticed my 17 yr old and 20 yr old (who still lives at home) don’t really like me and don’t like to talk with me. It breaks my heart and I cry everynight. I just don’t know what to do. Well off to another cry session.

REPLY

Hi @1947, Pain can be so debilitating, not only physically, but also mentally. I’m bringing @liz223 @callalily74 @sandytoes14 and @amberpep into this discussion.
1947 – have you told your doctor about your extreme sadness? Have you considered talking with a counselor?

Hi …. I’m so sorry you have such severe back pain. Have you been to a doctor about it? and followed up on his/her recommendation?
Yes, sometimes our kids can really treat us hatefully …. for reasons only they know. But, take heart, just continue being a good Mom, don’t let them get away with disrespecting you, but try to find out what’s bugging them. They may or may not tell you at the time, but just let them know you’re there if they want to talk. It’s hard to tell what goes through our kids minds sometimes. I went through a bit of that with my 3 – although (and this IS important) I would not allow them to disrespect me, but they could disagree, challenge my opinion, and basically treat me as they thought they were ….. an adult. Well, they’re now 45, 43, and 33, and they are all great kids, doing well, and couldn’t be more kind and sweet to me. So, don’t be discouraged.
Is it possible that they are tired of hearing about your back and depression? Sometimes, in our own neediness and wanting someone to talk to, we use our kids …. not a good idea at all. That builds resentment and the attitude in them of “oh just shut up already.”
I really encourage you to see a therapist to begin to get help with your depression. He/she well may also want you to see a Psychiatrist for medication to help you through this. Do not hesitate to go …. you are the center spoke in your family wheel and if it’s not turning right …. well, it’s a pretty lumpy ride. I well remember 20 years ago when my family doctor suggested I see a Psychiatrist for some serious depression …. she wisely said that “she didn’t handle these meds., it takes a Psychiatrist who knows what they’re doing” ……. very wise on her part. I thought to myself “OMG, A PSYCHIATRIST …… and then all I could think of was a big sign across his/her head saying “WEIRD.” Weren’t they all? Well, no, they aren’t.
Please my friend, get the help you so desperately need, both for your back and your depression. A good therapist can also give you some help regarding your kids in addition to helping you.
Take care …. keep in touch,
Abby

Thank you for you advise. I have been to a dr and i have a herniated disc and i am in the process of getting a surgical consult. I feel that i missed so much of my kids lives because of work that now that i am not working i have more time to be a mom and be involved. However it is very difficult to get them to open up and talk which is what hurts the most.

Hi there ….. OK, so now we’ve got the back problem figured out …. but what about the rest?
Abby

@1947 I see that @amberpep said some of the things about your kids that I would agree with. Do you have a minister or a counselor nearby that you can see? The YMCA offers mental health on a sliding scale if insurance or payment is a problem. I started a post https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/what-distracts-you-from-the-pain/ I hope you check it out and get some ideas or tell us what you do. I like to listen to music, color and do deep breathing. The less we think about our pain helps how we deal with it. Remember when your kids were little and they would fall down and get a little boo boo? You examined it, kissed it and if it wasn’t a real big one, your little one would cry anyway? I did everything I could to distract my (then) little one so he would stop crying. Dealing with pain is very similar. The more we dwell on it, the worse we feel. Now this doesn’t mean that we don’t have pain, it’s redirecting your focus even for a short time.

Jen

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