Anyone else feel crushed at the thought of losing a loved one?

Posted by playgdough12 @playgdough12, Sep 28 9:23pm

I’m in my 40s, unemployed due to disability, and living with my 93-year-old adopted mother, who is in the late stages of vascular dementia. I don’t have children, friends, or a partner, so she is truly all I have.

It’s painful and frightening to watch her decline, and I often feel crushed by the thought of what life will be like when she’s no longer here. The weight of loneliness and isolation ahead feels unbearable.

I don’t always know how to express these feelings, but I wanted to reach out in case others have been in a similar situation and might share how they’ve managed to cope.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

celia16 | @celia16 | Sep 29 5:55am

That’s a lot to manage by yourself! My goodness I don’t know how you do it. Is she on Hospice? They offer free benefits to the family with counseling and support. You can look online for their benefits.

My cousin had vascular dementia for 6 years, two in hospice. I regularly met with the counselor who was so helpful. It’s also available after your loved one passes away too.

Are you physically able to go to a gym? Our Y has programs for people of all abilities and it offers social programs too. Lots of nice people to interact with and grow friendships.

I know some churches that have grief support weekly meetings. You can check your area. I think there are virtual meetings too on various sites.

It’s so good you are reaching out. No doubt there are others in similar situations.

ocdogmom | @ocdogmom | Sep 29 1:12pm

I hope you keep reaching out to this website to share your feelings and fears. This is a safe place to get support and perhaps some helpful ideas about your situation. Please remember that you are not alone. So many of us in this caregiving situation can understand what you are going through. Hang in there, my friend.

dederickve | @dederickve | Sep 29 8:17pm

Please know that others understand. I have no children of my own. My husband has family from his first marriage. I think so much of how alone I will be, if something happens to him, first. I know it isn’t something I should think about, that way. I may be the first one to pass. I am sending you a hug in my mind and heart.

judimahoney | @judimahoney | Sep 30 11:56am

Hello:
I know it won't address the thought of losing your Mom, however what if you started interviewing your Mom, and asking questions about her life (hopefully recorded too for future viewing).
It's challenging to pre-mourn someone, isn't it?
All the best.

standinginfaith | @standinginfaith | Oct 1 2:36am

It's so hard to lose someone..I don't have any children.. had one husband pass .dropped dead with a heart attack ..we were alone.. (he had children..ohh soo mean) then next husband (I signed a prenuptial this time) He had liver ,kidney and lymph node cancer.. ohh he was my life!! And it took him a year to go.. 21 days alone with him on hospice in the TV room..I was more prepared having gone thru the death of a husband previously..like giving away his clothes before he was gone.to his friends.. and making a list of "to do" (he was a 100% DAV Vietnam veteran) ..so he passed and we were alone.. but not alone.. he looked so bad I just yelled "Jesus please help my man" and a bright white light show in the room and he was gone.. so we are never really alone.. I just lost my Mother at age 95.. we weren't close and my little sister facebooked me..while I was at my new gastro dr appt "Mom's not long for this world"..and when got out I messaged her (she was at the beach in NC..Mom was at home in Cincy..I live in OK) and when I got home and was arguing with the urologist about the 1.7 cm kidney stone I was passing.. anothe facebook message ..Mom just died".. whew!! Disturbing!! .I think talking with her about herself and her memories and perhaps recording them would be a great idea!! I had a "mother's day card from Dave that I played every year til it work out.. he said "Happy Mother's Day Mommy..and had all 8 dogs barking at the same time on it!! (he said that was alot of work..) Recently I asked my Mom how she and my Daddy met (he passed 2 years ago a month bfore his 99th birthday) and I was so surprised at what she said.. I wanted to see a wedding, never had seen one and my friend's boyfriend need a date..lol!! Married almost 72 years.. remember.. she will always be in your heart.. and God hold your right hand with his righteous right hand...I will pray for you!! ..and remember.. the is no time limit on grief..it's ok to be upset now and later. you love her!!

tracidw | @tracidw | Oct 1 8:24am

There are some great support groups where you can meet online, like zoom, once a week. HFC offers several for caregivers. You are not alone. One thing that helps me is to remember what Mom would like - she didn't want to live completely out of it like she is now. I already griever her because she is no longer the Mom I once knew. It's one big heart hurt for sure.

Hoping you are able to pull up some good memories to ease your current grief and fears.