Depression & self criticism because of conflict with family member

Posted by junkartist @junkartist, Jun 5 2:18pm

I’m am really low. Medicine, cbt therapist, and hotline keep from the bottom. Result of a conflict with my daughter which she insists she can only handle online in writing. It started last November with her being offending by some things I don’t remember saying because it was many months old and angry with me for offering to pay for her dental work. We got through that mostly by saying I’m sorry many times and them giving up. Things okay until after Christmas celebration, then she was “quiet at me “. In March I had another blast from her because I sent her a gift with an apology note. She would not take my call when I wanted to talk to her about it. So, I sent her a text that was probably too confrontive in standing up to her.

Now she is quiet again. I am plagued by self criticism and hatred. I go through memories of everything that was stupid that I said or did.

I do take a bike ride every day, and make time for art and writing to keep from being overwritten by cleaning and dehoarding. Thanks for listening.

Your daughter has an issue not you- just work on being the best you can be – sometimes family can be too toxic for your wellbeing – who else will take care of you

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@junkartist . My son is quiet now also but his son12 ,son is concerned about his school He goes to a charter school and some won,t survive . I know this is upsetting to my son wondering what will happen I want to help him but don,t know how to give them both some relief without interfering.

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@bookysue

Your daughter has an issue not you- just work on being the best you can be – sometimes family can be too toxic for your wellbeing – who else will take care of you

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Thanks that's a good way of looking at it.

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@lioness

@junkartist . My son is quiet now also but his son12 ,son is concerned about his school He goes to a charter school and some won,t survive . I know this is upsetting to my son wondering what will happen I want to help him but don,t know how to give them both some relief without interfering.

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Yes, it's a fine line that I have crossed. Part of my challenge is letting go and letting her be an adult.

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@junkartist I am also depressive and have anxiety. I am so sorry about your daughter. I know it's hard and all you can do is pray if you do pray. I have a son who has bipolar 1 and is a professor, but can't teach. His wife is controlling him and we have no contact with them. I haven't seen my granddaughter since she was 3 and she is 8. His wife got her tenure at Duke, but they are in NYC now and she does teaching and research at Columbia.
The other grandmother lives in Chicago, so when Marlowe is visiting her we skype with her, but the last was New Years. I send Marlowe cards, but they have to be sent to the other grandmother and then she forwards them to Marlowe. I don't even know my sons address. I do know he has been suicidal before. His wife is good to stay with him, but I feel she's part of the problem why we don't have contact. So, I understand what you must be going through. I have had many tears, but it has been years now, so I have adjusted and just pray that he will come home one day. They are both to smart for their own good.
I hope things get better, don't give up. If she would go to counseling with you would probably help or just you go.
I am leaving for Mayo and having a back fusion surgery on Tuesday. So if you respond to me I won't be able to respond back. Once I get home hopefully I will be sane enough to answer you, but I will be on 2 pain pills and valium.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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@junkartist Being active physically always helps release pent up emotions, and energizes you to tackle things. Little steps at a time. It is key to remember there are more players in all this than just you. Please do not figure you carry the entire burden yourself. Would it feel better if you could write in a journal, just write letters to yourself and your daughter, talking about how you feel, how you are affected from all this? Do not send the letters, rather it is an exercise in letting go of negative. I have found this works for me. Yes, everyone is different, and it sounds like you are reaching out to hear others' ideas for coping. Try the journaling, and see what happens, won't you, and let me know?
Ginger

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@bookysue

Your daughter has an issue not you- just work on being the best you can be – sometimes family can be too toxic for your wellbeing – who else will take care of you

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I think you are right. My daughter needs some space and it is hard to let go and let her be an adult. I'm feeling better today. It helps to "talk" to people who understand.

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@lioness

@junkartist . My son is quiet now also but his son12 ,son is concerned about his school He goes to a charter school and some won,t survive . I know this is upsetting to my son wondering what will happen I want to help him but don,t know how to give them both some relief without interfering.

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I have realized that I can't offer help to my daughter. She has to work it out herself.

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@gingerw

@junkartist Being active physically always helps release pent up emotions, and energizes you to tackle things. Little steps at a time. It is key to remember there are more players in all this than just you. Please do not figure you carry the entire burden yourself. Would it feel better if you could write in a journal, just write letters to yourself and your daughter, talking about how you feel, how you are affected from all this? Do not send the letters, rather it is an exercise in letting go of negative. I have found this works for me. Yes, everyone is different, and it sounds like you are reaching out to hear others' ideas for coping. Try the journaling, and see what happens, won't you, and let me know?
Ginger

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In quarantine, I have gotten the habit of taking a bicycle ride every day. It helps a lot to settle me down. I need to do more since I am on the path to losing weight. During quarantine, i drifted towards comfort food. Journaling and writing letters is a good idea. But, as a professional writer, I am reluctant to write down all these negative feelings. So, maybe i should destroy the letters or journal pages afterwards. I have learned something from this experience with my daughter because it makes me look at the way I treated my parents from a different perspective. Thanks for the good advice. I'll let you know about the journaling.

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@junkartist

In quarantine, I have gotten the habit of taking a bicycle ride every day. It helps a lot to settle me down. I need to do more since I am on the path to losing weight. During quarantine, i drifted towards comfort food. Journaling and writing letters is a good idea. But, as a professional writer, I am reluctant to write down all these negative feelings. So, maybe i should destroy the letters or journal pages afterwards. I have learned something from this experience with my daughter because it makes me look at the way I treated my parents from a different perspective. Thanks for the good advice. I'll let you know about the journaling.

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@junkartist Seeing you mentioned being a professional writer, do you mind telling me the general field you write for? I think you might find writing down negative feelings, or letters to yourself/daughter, will be a challenge, at first. But persevering, you'll look back and realize how you feel better, even in slow increments. That is where you will see the value. For me, writing has long been a part of my life. It never ceases to amaze me how 26 letters and accompanying punctuation, can be turned and twisted. Being able to and willing to take a deep look at a personal strife can be exhausting, so please be gentle on yourself. We are always here on standby to lend support!
Ginger

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@gingerw During these times we are in ,I,m going to take up writing my feelings I think it will be therapeutic .

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@lioness

@gingerw During these times we are in ,I,m going to take up writing my feelings I think it will be therapeutic .

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I agree, Lioness.
Writing helps us sort our thoughts.
I have begun a Gratitude journal. Too often I think what is going wrong, what I missed, what I have sacrificed. This journal will remind me of all that is going well, all that is positive. It will force me to think of all that is good, and recognizing the good in others.
(OK, I might add a few complaints! After all I am human 🤫

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@helenfrances Also I,m tried of looking at my same pictures Think I,m going to get my family album out and change pictures that are on my walls Since I can't get out look at old memories ❤️😍

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@gingerw

@junkartist Seeing you mentioned being a professional writer, do you mind telling me the general field you write for? I think you might find writing down negative feelings, or letters to yourself/daughter, will be a challenge, at first. But persevering, you'll look back and realize how you feel better, even in slow increments. That is where you will see the value. For me, writing has long been a part of my life. It never ceases to amaze me how 26 letters and accompanying punctuation, can be turned and twisted. Being able to and willing to take a deep look at a personal strife can be exhausting, so please be gentle on yourself. We are always here on standby to lend support!
Ginger

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I have ben a freelance journalist, good at interviews and I've written over 30 short plays. In retirement I am working on a full length play. Job- wise I've been a historical society educator.

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@helenfrances

I agree, Lioness.
Writing helps us sort our thoughts.
I have begun a Gratitude journal. Too often I think what is going wrong, what I missed, what I have sacrificed. This journal will remind me of all that is going well, all that is positive. It will force me to think of all that is good, and recognizing the good in others.
(OK, I might add a few complaints! After all I am human 🤫

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I'm giving a try at sticking to it.

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