1. < Mental Health

Really struggling ... going back home if nothing changes

Posted by Barb @amberpep, Nov 11, 2016

I can't believe it ... I was just almost ready to post this, and my computer crashed. Anyhow, I think I've been through the whole thing about moving from MD to VA because my girls live down here and they've been wanting me to move down for several years. I'd been in MD 30 plus years and had my own condo (me and the bank). Well, I am so sorry I moved ... I'm obviously not a young chick (71), was divorced about 10 years ago which was traumatic, and since then I had a knee replacement and then 2 years later had to have a revision - which is having it done all over again with a new part. My dog died just about 2 months ago, and where I live is essentially a college town. The closest church like mine in MD is 1-1/2 hrs. away. Everything that was important to me, except for my family, is in MD ..... my neighborhood, my friends, my church, essentially my "nest."
I have Bipolar II with the emphasis on the depression. I never feel up .... "flat" is a good day. I have been struggling with some serious depression for months now and with winter coming .... well, it's worse. I still go up to MD every other week to see my therapist and my Psychiatrist.
My kids say, "get out, go do something!" That sounds fine, but I don't know my way around anywhere here, I have no money to spend - I'm in a debt consolidation program; they say "volunteer" ..... sounds good too but I can barely get out of bed in the morning. It's gotten so bad that when I wake up, I make a hot cup of tea and immediately take my meds., watch the weather and a bit of news until the meds kick in. Only then do I even care about getting dressed. My kids, of course, don't want to hear it. Like their Dad (well 2 of them anyhow), "just get moving" is the answer. Sure, I would if I could.
I hate it here .... I'm giving it til Spring and if nothing changes, I'm going home. I essentially live on S.S. and some money my son gives me each month, so I don't even ever fill the gas tank anymore. I don't use CC's because of being in the debt consolidation program, so I pay for everything with cash or a check. That's OK, I don't mind that, but none of this would have happened if I had stayed where I was happy.
Thanks for listening.
abby

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safetyshield | @safetyshield | Nov 17, 2016
In reply to @amberpep "I really haven't done that as there's not an actual newspaper for this area, believe it..." + (show)
@amberpep

I really haven't done that as there's not an actual newspaper for this area, believe it or not. Most things are found out by word of mouth. But, my girls and I are looking for another place for me to live which is closer in toward a more active and "community type" area. I am pretty far out of the range of "normal" things and I don't like that. Hopefully, when I do move down closer into the busier areas, there will be more to do. One thing I actually even thought of driving to Frederick, MD for is the St. Stevens Scottish Society of Mid-MD. I was very involved in that for several years and absolutely loved it. There is nothing down here even remotely similar and I actually thought of driving up to their once a month meetings; they have 2-3 a month when it's closer to May as they have a Scottish Festival, which I so much enjoyed being part of. I had a "heart to heart" talk with my oldest daughter yesterday, told her I was not happy and had thought about going back to Frederick. She really doesn't want me to do that so we're on the hunt for a new place closer in toward "civilization." There's also a better chance of getting a part-time job in that area as it's full of all sorts of little eclectic stores everywhere, and of course the big ones are there too, but I'd love working in a small glass shop, pottery place, etc. Anyhow, I've babbled on and I'm sorry. Guess you deduced that my family is Scotch - we're MacPherson's. Thanks for writing ..... I needed that today.
abby

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abby I thoroughly enjoy reading the good points that you bring up. So do not stop writing to me. Secondly I too like to live in places that are not the boonies. I used to live in a small time according to my definition. I liked that I knew most of the people and they had town picnics as well as a town pool. So I had chances to socialize. It's also been good for me to be near my family but not too close. Sometimes I just want to see them. And you are right I did guess that you were Scottish. I have a relative living in scottland but I have not visited there yet. In my town they do have festivals that recognize different nationalities which I enjoy trying the food and the activities that they have. I am also glad that you are able to talk with your daughter and letting her know how you feel. You know if you do not talk they will never know how you feel. So keep strong and keep in touch

REPLY
Barb | @amberpep | Nov 17, 2016

Hi there .... well, today my daughter and I looked at some apartments, which I couldn't afford. Monday there is another place which I could, but I've asked several close friends in Frederick, to be praying for me heartily. My neighbor, and my one and only friend down here, called me late this afternoon and asked if I thought some of my discomfort here was due to my X being in relatively close proximity. That hit me like a 2 x 4 because I'd had quite a round with him last week and he went into his typical narcissistic mode, once again making me feel like pond scum. And of course, now I think of all the things I "should" have said. I've also had a friend in MD ask me the same thing saying, "I wouldn't want to live near my X, and mine isn't even a narcissist." Wow, that really got me thinking ...... does that play more of a role in this than I thought? I know it's in there some, but could it be more? Narcissists have a way of demeaning everyone around them by their words and actions, and they come off looking like the "all knowing one." This situation was exactly that, and internally my insides coiled. I may have said this before, but when we divorced I had a sizeable inheritance from my Dad. I went with a Financial Planner who was recommended but who turned out to be a mini Bernie Madolff. Between that and the crash in 2008, it's pretty much month to month for me. Since I had the inheritance, when we worked out the divorce agreement, I did not ask for alimony, nor to stay on his life insurance. My lawyer totally disagreed, but I thought I wouldn't need it since I am not a big spender and had Dad's resources from when he died. Well, now here I am. My X knows what happened. I wrote him and very gently measuring my words, told him my situation and asked him if he thought he could help me out a little bit each month. WELL ..... he took off ..... I got "the lecture" .... he told me I was just making him feel guilty, and I should not have gone with that F.A. in the first place and if I'd have listened to him, blah, blah, blah. All this from a man who bought 2 acres, built a huge 2 story home, take one big trip every year with our son - England, Hawaii, etc. After that I got angry and we had some not so nice back and forth. He does not realize that after 40 years of marriage, staying home with our 3 kids and giving up my career, that I could have practically skinned him of everything he had. But, I wanted to be nice, and I didn't need it. I don't think it can be done, but I'm reading through my divorce papers and other legal documents to see if the case can be reopened since things have changed so much for me, and his attitude is the way it is. I know that sounds vindictive, and I am not a vindictive person, but gee it would be nice not to have to count every penny, and maybe actually be able to go to the Smokies this summer and whitewater raft. dilemma, dilemma I'm going to have to think more seriously about moving back to Frederick and my condo. Maybe I shouldn't be so close to him.
abby

REPLY
1 reply
safetyshield | @safetyshield | Nov 18, 2016
In reply to @amberpep "Hi there .... well, today my daughter and I looked at some apartments, which I couldn't..." + (show)
@amberpep

Hi there .... well, today my daughter and I looked at some apartments, which I couldn't afford. Monday there is another place which I could, but I've asked several close friends in Frederick, to be praying for me heartily. My neighbor, and my one and only friend down here, called me late this afternoon and asked if I thought some of my discomfort here was due to my X being in relatively close proximity. That hit me like a 2 x 4 because I'd had quite a round with him last week and he went into his typical narcissistic mode, once again making me feel like pond scum. And of course, now I think of all the things I "should" have said. I've also had a friend in MD ask me the same thing saying, "I wouldn't want to live near my X, and mine isn't even a narcissist." Wow, that really got me thinking ...... does that play more of a role in this than I thought? I know it's in there some, but could it be more? Narcissists have a way of demeaning everyone around them by their words and actions, and they come off looking like the "all knowing one." This situation was exactly that, and internally my insides coiled. I may have said this before, but when we divorced I had a sizeable inheritance from my Dad. I went with a Financial Planner who was recommended but who turned out to be a mini Bernie Madolff. Between that and the crash in 2008, it's pretty much month to month for me. Since I had the inheritance, when we worked out the divorce agreement, I did not ask for alimony, nor to stay on his life insurance. My lawyer totally disagreed, but I thought I wouldn't need it since I am not a big spender and had Dad's resources from when he died. Well, now here I am. My X knows what happened. I wrote him and very gently measuring my words, told him my situation and asked him if he thought he could help me out a little bit each month. WELL ..... he took off ..... I got "the lecture" .... he told me I was just making him feel guilty, and I should not have gone with that F.A. in the first place and if I'd have listened to him, blah, blah, blah. All this from a man who bought 2 acres, built a huge 2 story home, take one big trip every year with our son - England, Hawaii, etc. After that I got angry and we had some not so nice back and forth. He does not realize that after 40 years of marriage, staying home with our 3 kids and giving up my career, that I could have practically skinned him of everything he had. But, I wanted to be nice, and I didn't need it. I don't think it can be done, but I'm reading through my divorce papers and other legal documents to see if the case can be reopened since things have changed so much for me, and his attitude is the way it is. I know that sounds vindictive, and I am not a vindictive person, but gee it would be nice not to have to count every penny, and maybe actually be able to go to the Smokies this summer and whitewater raft. dilemma, dilemma I'm going to have to think more seriously about moving back to Frederick and my condo. Maybe I shouldn't be so close to him.
abby

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amberpep I have that in common with you. I have my own narcissistic brother living in the state as me. He was always a bully to me and would always put on this act that he was caring. But his actions were really louder than his words. When he went away to college it was the best years of my life. These people can try and put on a good act and usually fool those that do not leave with him or those not willing to believe what they see. Being in the same state Is to close even for me. But with my father here I had to come down. I think I mentioned this before sorry. Also my father has been talking more about his will making my brother executor of the estate. Like nothing bad can come of that. So I too am concerned if my brother will try and rip me off of the will, I know as executor he must follow the will. But as a bully I know he will not make it easy. I just want to be done with him and go on with my life. But we both have to live with reality and do the best we can. I do like your thinking and working out your concerns. Keep in touch

REPLY
Barb | @amberpep | Nov 18, 2016

Hi .... I don't want to be intrusive, but is your father competent to make all the decisions he needs to? If he is, then he surely must see that you are the one that lives there, helping him, and doing what needs to be done. But, I know how N's are .... if you don't know about them, you're easily fooled. My X has a sister who lived 5 miles away from their mother. His sister did all sorts of things for mother ... took her to doctors, shopping, bought her things she needed, etc. But, sister was the "one I never did get along with" (says mother) and my X was golden boy ...." he never gave me a bit of trouble!" Holy Cow! They really appear to be just so very wonderful, but that's all the cover of the book ..... the book itself isn't worth the time.
abby

REPLY
1 reply
safetyshield | @safetyshield | Nov 19, 2016
In reply to @amberpep "Hi .... I don't want to be intrusive, but is your father competent to make all..." + (show)
@amberpep

Hi .... I don't want to be intrusive, but is your father competent to make all the decisions he needs to? If he is, then he surely must see that you are the one that lives there, helping him, and doing what needs to be done. But, I know how N's are .... if you don't know about them, you're easily fooled. My X has a sister who lived 5 miles away from their mother. His sister did all sorts of things for mother ... took her to doctors, shopping, bought her things she needed, etc. But, sister was the "one I never did get along with" (says mother) and my X was golden boy ...." he never gave me a bit of trouble!" Holy Cow! They really appear to be just so very wonderful, but that's all the cover of the book ..... the book itself isn't worth the time.
abby

Jump to this post

amberpep my father is legally competent but emotionally he can only see the good in my narcissistic brother I do not live with my father just in the same city. My father still needs to treat me like a dependent for his need of self fullment. So now I look for my needs first and if time or if I have the will I go and see my father and occasionally see my N brother who still has good kids who are grown up and live on their own. So keep strong and move on

REPLY
Barb | @amberpep | Nov 19, 2016

Oh my, family setups can be so twisted and crazy making sometimes.
abby

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Barb | @amberpep | Nov 19, 2016

Hmmmmmm ............... "most days"

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